Just Existing..

Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.

Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.

Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.

I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.

Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”