At thirty-five. I’ve lived a few lives in this lifetime of mine. Wild Wind, Billets Doux, Love Letters, Imagine Me, Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card, Hush Tan. ALL have made me who I am. I grind with grace. I grind like I’m a contestant in the Olympics race. It’s taken me until now to gain the courage to merge the characters of each of these chapters of my life. ALL of these businesses began with a dream. A glimmer of hope inside me that came to light. Mostly red. Hush Tan turned green and I have been fiercely on the GO. The sole bread-winner. I carry a heavy load. So many ask me how. Ask me why? I’ve chosen to live my current life. My “why” is quite complex. Every business I’ve ever started came from love. Has to do with love. Love is who I am. It’s what I wish to sprinkle ALL over the world. I’m currently doing it soul by soul. Inspiring. Lifting. Listening. Comforting. Dis-comforting. Then bringing them back with a laugh attack. This is my therapy. “Hush” has taught me more about me then any other singular chapter in my life’s work.
I’ve learned to trust. Have faith. Work harder than I’ve ever worked before. I’ve learned how to be alone. Not take on self-pity. I’ve learned to LEARN. Educate myself on everything and figure it out on my own. Sacrifice. Lots… and lots of sacrifice. I now know independence. I know what it feels like. I’m a solo business owner and a prison wife. I’m a dog mom. I’m a homemaker. I’m a cleaning woman. I’m a book-keeper. I’m a daughter and daughter in-law. I’m a step-mom, granddaughter, sister, aunt and cousin. What I’m not much of is a friend. I’m a great acquaintance. I have not mastered friendship. I can’t figure it out. I’m private. Yet I’m an open book. I don’t have time and people take that personal. I work a gazillion hours per week. I have four facebook, twitter, instagram and email accounts. Which ALL receive a mass messages. I’ve been reluctant to merge my lives. I’m now ready and realize. This is who I am. And to be successful. I can no-longer keep up with the divisions, the characters. I’m ALL-in. This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH.
My brother once said to me… which I’ll never forget. I said to him over that recorded prison call.. What if my clients find out who I really am? He said, are those clients you’d really want anyway? I said, right now I need every client I can get. He said, that is not true. You just need a few who are loyal. He then went on to say… Mahriah it’s normal for people to judge. It’s what we do. It’s our instincts. We judge everything and everyone. For instance, the guy on the corner holding the sign. We say to ourselves should I give him my last five dollars? Does he need it more than me? Even though he looks so clean?? We must judge. It’s when we pass judgement. That’s when we lose. We should never pass judgment on one another. We should never condemn another. That is wrong. We judge. We do-not pass judgment. It took me a long time to understand the difference and process that. I said isn’t it the same thing?! He said just think about it.
I did think about it. A lot.
My clients and I talk about everything. It’s a vulnerable position to be standing naked in front of anyone for up-to an hour. If they ask me a direct question. One thing I’m not is a liar. I’ve alluded to where my husband is. But, if they directly ask me. I’ve told a few. Which was not easy for me. Anxiety flutters through me. Will they pass judgment on me? Will they be afraid to pay with their credit card? Do they think I’m a bad person? Do they still trust me? What do they think of me? Do they think I’m beneath them? Will they come back? Will the word get out?
My brother said are those clients you would want anyway? They tell you their truths. Trust you with their pain. Do they deserve to know yours? Where do you draw the line of professionalism?
He’s absolutely right. I’m ready to merge my lives. #HUSH (now… you really know) #FREEDOM
Wrenching. Stench of terror. Despair. Scorned. Violently awake. Shaken. Shook. Crooked. Steep creep. Can’t. Won’t. Refusal. Refute. Futile. Denial. Cry. Pain. Shame. Infamous. STRESS. West. Longing for a bullet in the chest. Peace. Serene. Rest. Left.. Question.. Everyone. I’m the crazy one. Emotionally challenged. A beautiful wreck. With an elegant neck. Train wreck. Expectations.. Exasperated. Breathing on a ventilator. Unbalanced equator. Abuse. Used too. Abuser: Self made. Hatred. Shapeless. Darkness. Cartwheels in a past life. Distant eyes.. Lifeless. Shouted out. Permanent pout. Dazed. Unconfused. Forever bruised. Deep purple, cobalt blue. True. Real. Raw. Tell me have you seen her..? A fragment of what’s left of her.. Being.. Cream.. Dream… of that girl.. I used to know. Pure like winter snow. Darkened by contaminated guilt.. Spilled milk. Crowd control. Floored. In the corner. Holding my knees. Daggered. Watch my heart bleed Out. Crouching tiger. Hidden dragon. Drip drop. Tick tock.. Stop watch. Gods clock. Road block. Violation. Destination.. Space station.. Ready for take off.
Is this ALL a lesson to see what I’m made of? Crumbling. Numbing.. Mind blowing.
Think it’s only natural I’m crashing. Running hard. Running on fumes. Keeping you out the loop. Sadness, despair, surrounded by suicidal thoughts.. Lifelines taking mine. Trickling toxicities into u. Us. Rush Rush.. For what? I feel so stuck. Afraid to move. Afraid to get into a groove. Everybody frozen unsure what to do. I don’t know how to play chess. What I would do to lay in my safe place.. Your chest. Ohhh boy this has been a massive clean up. Life such a mess. What’s the longevity.. In ALL this sadness. Cracked out drama. No giggles, no smiles. I check them at each and every door. No, my my my system has gone haywire to bogged down for a restore.
Restore to what? To who? Life getting the best of me, us, u have left my heart bruised. No more shades of soft bubble gum pink. I’m black and blue. Attitude sad, frustrated hint of rude.
Dude, get it together. Disheveled and beautiful.. dark angel. Keep working on polishing your halo. I’m not ready to exit. Even with the mess I’m in. I still see my life as blessing and.. I have work still to be done. Just tired, exhausted.. A ton of boxes to unpack. Memories.. Getting the best of me each road I travel down I check myself in the rearview.. Little me. Big frown. Chin up. Hair down.
No plan. Crumpled map. Yet, I know this city. That’s right. I just don’t know this me. Contaminated. Searching for a vaccine. A cure.. Praying with ALL my heart for a miracle. A voice of reason. A new season. A palate to taste at ALL. Living off fast food.. Darkening my mood. No fuel. No desire. I miss my inner fire.. Screaming so loud sound like a whole children’s african choir.
Heavy, heavy, heavy. No ultimately I will be okay. I have strong faith. In me, in us. In who you are. I’m in the battlefield. Signing up.. I knew for certain would leave scars. Now, im in the driver’s seat.. No more copilot for me. Driving dangerously at high altitude speeds. ALL out of character for me.
My destiny will be what it’s going to be.. Doesn’t mean it’s not just about to kill me.. While I’m slowly… Slowly.. Rebooting. Choosing.. Running olympic speeds from the guilt. Afraid of sunlight in possibility I may melt.. Just playing the cards I have been dealt. I’m the hold card. One of the toughest cards in the deck. Shuffling and demanding a reshuffle. Accused of counting cards. I’m intelligent but not that so.. Just watching, listening and analyzing waiting for an open door. Need more time for what’s in store.. Your ALL I got. Never forget the power you possess. My guide on this ever so lonely quest. Wish I had a little one for a nightlight. Someone to hug and hold me and to tuck in at night.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. I’m praying for a miracle. Please reciprocate. Double or nothing. Split them. I can’t help. I’m a loyal bitch. This is who I am. I have been ALL in from the shuffle.
Scrapes, bruises, broken heart.. Never ending scuffles.. I’m still breathing. I’m still standing. Ch’in up. Just could use.. A clue. Never forget my love and compassion is my greatest virtue..
Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.
Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.
Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.
I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.
Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”
write or not to write? what is your question? to love or not to love. Do you know the definition? love seeker truth speaker i am me… mysteriously checking you out so high, high in the sky i fly effervescently consciously at ease please believe in the power you possess on this quest energy electricity magically ignites take flight I see with only my third eye this new world begins to take shape unconsciously conscious I awake completely aware of my blessed fate seeker of truth I chose like Jesus rose from the ground rich in beauty intense and profound truth in raw form love is. i am.