Destroy Me

Tis Over.
has always been.
each forever scars my very wrist.
scars my existence.
love-sick.
Over who that chose the opposite leaving me?
fending.
choking.
razors between us are separating.
please fill the gap,
pull in this broken wound,
hold it close ever so tightly and kill not to let forever slip away.
this is it for us who are deserted.
us who are searching,
pleading,
for the end to set us free.
will it ever set me free?
the scars don’t disappear to you my dear,
they drape of  me as though you must’ve been to fear.
a last kiss sent falling to shards like the pane in my window.
shattered to you.
a last love grained into sands oleander.
For you may only understand if you are the one i write this to,
each breath you take creates a poem,
love.
each smile spread across your face breaks me,
makes me.
You Destroy me.

phone check

Phone Check!

Phone Check 

Heart wreck. Quick recover. Freak undercover. Four-play. Argue ALL day. Emotional display. Clarity. He instills in me. #1 concern ME. He loves me. He loves me I think.. a lot. Yeah right. He loves me most. No question. ALL-in love. Close overdose. No I guess. No hesitance. No I suppose.

A complete YES.

He holds my heart next to his. In his chest. Heartbeat. Sound check. My safe place. My save face. He is home. Intertwined bodies through a wormhole. Connected souls. Through prison phone. Everything about everything. He knows. Ruler of right. Apology of wrong. Forgiving of ALL. My obsession. ALL or nothing. He adores me. He glorifies me. Our love-story out does any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so surreal. Outsiders think it’s make believe. He is the man. MINE. I’m not jealous I’m territorial with Mine. I am his lady. His partner. Significant other. His queen. His wife. His bitch. His baby. He knows my triggers and wholly accepts me as me. My off the chart level of bipolar crazy. He rubs my ass and spanks me. HARD. Over fifteen years he’s fluent in my DNA genetic matrix chart. He knows my favorite cock-tail. A splash of cream. I scream as he sedates me with his tongue. His voice. His words. His energy keeps me forever young. I age backwards. Zero to a Hundred in .2 seconds. He tranquilizes me in one sentence. Hypnotized. He always brings me back. That is a fact. Even if it causes him to almost break his back. His little monkey always attached. Needy. Greedy. He rarely complains. But, in an instant he will attack. He’s my everything. My crooked halo. My golden wings. No question we sold my platinum flawless wedding ring. Attorney fees. Do what we must. It’s ALL or nothing. It’s ALL about us. He calls the shots. Star player. I fully trust. I lust in love. Compulsive crush. Mad and deep. I kick and buck only when my gut flames up. Fire. Passion. I stand my ground. He respects my being. His perfect queen. He straightens my crown. He stands down. His crown jewel. He always listens. My greatest gift. My biggest wish. My absolute. I salute. HIM. I belong to him. I am his. 34.Qh8#. (NO) Stalemate. WIN-WIN. Dynasty.

knows me better then I know myself

sex-phone-9806He knows the inflections in the tone of my voice. He knows if I’m smiling or crying silently. He speaks me fluently. And when I cry myself to sleep I feel him. Holding me. Maybe I’m delusional. But, I feel his presence as I back my body up into him. I can smell his scent. I feel his beard against my neck. I wake up recharged. Maybe it’s because, when we fall asleep our mirror images meet amongst the cosmos and stars and as our avatars fill our space in beds. We can’t sleep. Take the pain away. We go through the motions and count down the days. The closer it gets the more I miss him. I check fbop daily just to see if this mission has an early completion. My heart I keep extending. Lately it’s got the best of me. I inhale my clients problems. I loan them my breath to help them breathe. I’ve had more than a handful tell me that hush goes into their therapy expense category. On Sundays I detox. My entire body physically hurts. I take my job home and receive so many texts I can’t keep up with my life. It’s taking away from my duty of being the perfect wife. But, he knows me so well. He helps me through the flames as I’m lost in hell. I follow his voice. He is my addiction. Understands the affliction. Suffering and self sabotage. Reminds me I’m worthy and of ALL my gifts. He encourages me to write. To regurgitate the suffering inside. Flush the Hushed life I lead. The thought of not having him I can’t even conceive. I’m so fucking tired of taking the lead. Some days I’m beyond tired of being strong. As the days get closer I dream about becoming a mother. My clock ticks louder with each day. I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I could have a mini us. But, no fear took over and that gift was flushed. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I live with that pain everyday. His kindness and patience is how I self medicate. My fingers move so fast. I don’t even know what I’m typing. I do a spell check and publish the pain inside me.

This was a really tough weekend. I’m under the gun. I can’t even fathom the thought of having some fun. He says I’m wound so tight. I need to loosen up. I don’t know how. I’m on a money chase. I’m doing my very best to grind with grace when lately all I feel is rage. I’m back to my fuck you pay me mentality. My kindness taken for weakness is what I feel in me. I sip my baileys and contemplate. How I plan to win this race. Because, nobody remembers second place. I’m here to win. With him. I have the right to remain silent. I’m ALL in.

hearts on fire

LADY RY
ALL IN – I DO

In my head. Need to be crawling into bed. I’m plottin’ on over drive. Slick. SHIT. I know.. where this mind-state gets.. me. Trouble or a double-UP. Fuck. Yup… I’m trusting my gut.  YNOT? RYNOT. ALL day. Wheels spinnin. My smile on. Grinning. Ear to ear. The taste of your lips sooo near. FUCK. DripStain. I love that kinda pain. Top secret. Switch. Loyalty is returned. I try to behave.. I really-really do… but, when there are so many options what’s a girl to do? Now that’s one glorious mind fuck. I never run outta luck. I got the heart of a hustler. The face of an angel. I write my own story. I blaze… in clouds of glory. I smoke solo. Han solo and Princess Leia. My love.. Yoda. May the force be with you. And also with you. I restore. Brainstorm in these Portland rain storms. Dream create galore. These basic bitches can’t compete. I smile first. No compete – Clause – Applause. I’m a billion dollar bitch. I’ll infect you with you my energy and you will never be quite the same. Life is a test. Life is a game. I never lose. Either I win or I learn. And a Queen always protects her King. Assessment report came back insane. Fuck that label rx game. I’m brilliant at this poker game. My life pressures turned my flawless. Hearts on fire. I gave up with out a tear.I knew what I was sacrificing and that sacrifice won me sixteen years. Talk about something real. That moment was raw. REAL. Off my finger. Moments flashed before my eyes. Whip-lashed my mind. On bended knee at Fernando’s Hideaway flashback on E you stunned me with your forever vows and a ring so perfect you silenced a salsa club rowdy crowd. I wore it true. True to you. And when it was time. I knew what I had to do. I slid it off… Placed it on that white mans velvet cloth. I watched as he removed stone by stone. Inspecting. Complimenting. Eyes twinkling. Off this lick. My heart hardening. Poker face. Fuck you. Pay me. Cold cash in hand. I always recount my money. I handed it to the attorney and told him bluntly to save his A$$. My clock is ticking and I need him back in time to impregnate me and feel our baby kick. I work hard for a cause. I work hard cause I’m hard.

Yet, I love you and you’ll feel it. You’ll judge me and I’ll absorb it. Morph it. Into strength you’ll walk away with. Skin therapy. I will meditate and replenish. Lightening speed. Lightening struck by me. Electrified. Touched by an angel. A stranger. You tell ALL your secrets too. Kindred hearts. Connected by a thirty minute session. I feel you. I’m listening. I’m transferring. I computing. I’m diluting the nonsense and sending you on your way with substance. You don’t even realize until it fully absorbs. But, I do… in your profound yelp reviews. My crazy serious loving impression will leave you in question? I got you. I’ll never share your secrets. You’ll come back for more cause I’m a mysterious soul. Bonnie and Clyde. Jay and Bey. Kim and Kanye.

Tony ♥ Ry. Dynasty. Monumental. Together we are our temple. Longest standing. Commanding. Duel respect.

To your life of nine to five rigid consistency. It’s okay. I’ll be that ray.. my light will never dull. I know. I’m full. On me. I earned this shit. Title: BOSS BITCH. Here hold my dignity real quick… I’ve got some sketchy shit to do. Never been a good girl. Raised in the hood girl. Chameleon upbringing. Racial division. Traumatic confusion. Hampton’s to New York City Lights. Beverley Hills to Toronto skies. Palm Beach to Oakland streets.  My situations pretty situated. My intentions remain pure. However sketchy. I walk a fine line. When you’re a prison wife together you walk that line.

 

This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH

PicsArt_1375128074029At thirty-five. I’ve lived a few lives in this lifetime of mine. Wild Wind, Billets Doux, Love Letters, Imagine Me, Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card, Hush Tan. ALL have made me who I am. I grind with grace. I grind like I’m a contestant in the Olympics race. It’s taken me until now to gain the courage to merge the characters of each of these chapters of my life. ALL of these businesses began with a dream. A glimmer of hope inside me that came to light. Mostly red. Hush Tan turned green and I have been fiercely on the GO. The sole bread-winner. I carry a heavy load. So many ask me how. Ask me why? I’ve chosen to live my current life. My “why” is quite complex. Every business I’ve ever started came from love. Has to do with love. Love is who I am. It’s what I wish to sprinkle ALL over the world. I’m currently doing it soul by soul. Inspiring. Lifting. Listening. Comforting. Dis-comforting. Then bringing them back with a laugh attack. This is my therapy. “Hush” has taught me more about me then any other singular chapter in my life’s work.

I’ve learned to trust. Have faith. Work harder than I’ve ever worked before. I’ve learned how to be alone. Not take on self-pity. I’ve learned to LEARN. Educate myself on everything and figure it out on my own. Sacrifice. Lots… and lots of sacrifice. I now know independence. I know what it feels like. I’m a solo business owner and a prison wife. I’m a dog mom. I’m a homemaker. I’m a cleaning woman. I’m a book-keeper. I’m a daughter and daughter in-law. I’m a step-mom, granddaughter, sister, aunt and cousin. What I’m not much of is a friend. I’m a great acquaintance. I have not mastered friendship. I can’t figure it out. I’m private. Yet I’m an open book. I don’t have time and people take that personal. I work a gazillion hours per week. I have four facebook, twitter, instagram and email accounts. Which ALL receive a mass messages. I’ve been reluctant to merge my lives. I’m now ready and realize. This is who I am. And to be successful. I can no-longer keep up with the divisions, the characters. I’m ALL-in. This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH.

My brother once said to me… which I’ll never forget. I said to him over that recorded prison call.. What if my clients find out who I really am? He said, are those clients you’d really want anyway? I said, right now I need every client I can get. He said, that is not true. You just need a few who are loyal. He then went on to say… Mahriah it’s normal for people to judge. It’s what we do. It’s our instincts. We judge everything and everyone. For instance, the guy on the corner holding the sign. We say to ourselves should I give him my last five dollars? Does he need it more than me? Even though he looks so clean?? We must judge. It’s when we pass judgement. That’s when we lose. We should never pass judgment on one another. We should never condemn another. That is wrong. We judge. We do-not pass judgment. It took me a long time to understand the difference and process that. I said isn’t it the same thing?! He said just think about it.

I did think about it. A lot.

My clients and I talk about everything. It’s a vulnerable position to be standing naked in front of anyone for up-to an hour. If they ask me a direct question. One thing I’m not is a liar. I’ve alluded to where my husband is. But, if they directly ask me. I’ve told a few. Which was not easy for me. Anxiety flutters through me. Will they pass judgment on me? Will they be afraid to pay with their credit card? Do they think I’m a bad person? Do they still trust me? What do they think of me? Do they think I’m beneath them? Will they come back? Will the word get out?

My brother said are those clients you would want anyway? They tell you their truths. Trust you with their pain. Do they deserve to know yours? Where do you draw the line of professionalism?

He’s absolutely right. I’m ready to merge my lives. #HUSH (now… you really know) #FREEDOM