Heart wreck. Quick recover. Freak undercover. Four-play. Argue ALL day. Emotional display. Clarity. He instills in me. #1 concern ME. He loves me. He loves me I think.. a lot.Yeah right. He loves me most. No question. ALL-in love. Close overdose. No I guess. No hesitance. No I suppose.
A complete YES.
He holds my heart next to his. In his chest. Heartbeat. Sound check. My safe place. My save face. He is home. Intertwined bodies through a wormhole. Connected souls. Through prison phone. Everything about everything. He knows. Ruler of right. Apology of wrong. Forgiving of ALL. My obsession. ALL or nothing. He adores me. He glorifies me. Our love-story out does any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so surreal. Outsiders think it’s make believe. He is the man. MINE. I’m not jealous I’m territorial with Mine. I am his lady. His partner. Significant other. His queen. His wife. His bitch. His baby. He knows my triggers and wholly accepts me as me. My off the chart level of bipolar crazy. He rubs my ass and spanks me. HARD. Over fifteen years he’s fluent in my DNA genetic matrix chart. He knows my favorite cock-tail. A splash of cream. I scream as he sedates me with his tongue. His voice. His words. His energy keeps me forever young. I age backwards. Zero to a Hundred in .2 seconds. He tranquilizes me in one sentence. Hypnotized. He always brings me back. That is a fact. Even if it causes him to almost break his back. His little monkey always attached. Needy. Greedy. He rarely complains. But, in an instant he will attack. He’s my everything. My crooked halo. My golden wings. No question we sold my platinum flawless wedding ring. Attorney fees. Do what we must. It’s ALL or nothing. It’s ALL about us. He calls the shots. Star player. I fully trust. I lust in love. Compulsive crush. Mad and deep. I kick and buck only when my gut flames up. Fire. Passion. I stand my ground. He respects my being. His perfect queen. He straightens my crown. He stands down. His crown jewel. He always listens. My greatest gift. My biggest wish. My absolute. I salute. HIM. I belong to him. I am his. 34.Qh8#. (NO) Stalemate. WIN-WIN. Dynasty.
He knows the inflections in the tone of my voice. He knows if I’m smiling or crying silently. He speaks me fluently. And when I cry myself to sleep I feel him. Holding me. Maybe I’m delusional. But, I feel his presence as I back my body up into him. I can smell his scent. I feel his beard against my neck. I wake up recharged. Maybe it’s because, when we fall asleep our mirror images meet amongst the cosmos and stars and as our avatars fill our space in beds. We can’t sleep. Take the pain away. We go through the motions and count down the days. The closer it gets the more I miss him. I check fbop daily just to see if this mission has an early completion. My heart I keep extending. Lately it’s got the best of me. I inhale my clients problems. I loan them my breath to help them breathe. I’ve had more than a handful tell me that hush goes into their therapy expense category. On Sundays I detox. My entire body physically hurts. I take my job home and receive so many texts I can’t keep up with my life. It’s taking away from my duty of being the perfect wife. But, he knows me so well. He helps me through the flames as I’m lost in hell. I follow his voice. He is my addiction. Understands the affliction. Suffering and self sabotage. Reminds me I’m worthy and of ALL my gifts. He encourages me to write. To regurgitate the suffering inside. Flush the Hushed life I lead. The thought of not having him I can’t even conceive. I’m so fucking tired of taking the lead. Some days I’m beyond tired of being strong. As the days get closer I dream about becoming a mother. My clock ticks louder with each day. I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I could have a mini us. But, no fear took over and that gift was flushed. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I live with that pain everyday. His kindness and patience is how I self medicate. My fingers move so fast. I don’t even know what I’m typing. I do a spell check and publish the pain inside me.
This was a really tough weekend. I’m under the gun. I can’t even fathom the thought of having some fun. He says I’m wound so tight. I need to loosen up. I don’t know how. I’m on a money chase. I’m doing my very best to grind with grace when lately all I feel is rage. I’m back to my fuck you pay me mentality. My kindness taken for weakness is what I feel in me. I sip my baileys and contemplate. How I plan to win this race. Because, nobody remembers second place. I’m here to win. With him. I have the right to remain silent. I’m ALL in.
In my head. Need to be crawling into bed. I’m plottin’ on over drive. Slick. SHIT. I know.. where this mind-state gets.. me. Trouble or a double-UP. Fuck. Yup… I’m trusting my gut. YNOT? RYNOT. ALL day. Wheels spinnin. My smile on. Grinning. Ear to ear. The taste of your lips sooo near. FUCK. Drip–Stain. I love that kinda pain. Top secret. Switch. Loyalty is returned. I try to behave.. I really-really do… but, when there are so many options what’s a girl to do? Now that’s one glorious mind fuck. I never run outta luck. I got the heart of a hustler. The face of an angel. I write my own story. I blaze… in clouds of glory. I smoke solo. Han solo and Princess Leia. My love.. Yoda. May the force be with you. And also with you. I restore. Brainstorm in these Portland rain storms. Dream create galore. These basic bitches can’t compete. I smile first. No compete – Clause – Applause. I’m a billion dollar bitch. I’ll infect you with you my energy and you will never be quite the same. Life is a test. Life is a game. I never lose. Either I win or I learn. And a Queen always protects her King. Assessment report came back insane. Fuck that label rx game. I’m brilliant at this poker game. My life pressures turned my flawless. Hearts on fire. I gave up with out a tear.I knew what I was sacrificing and that sacrifice won me sixteen years. Talk about something real. That moment was raw. REAL. Off my finger. Moments flashed before my eyes. Whip-lashed my mind. On bended knee at Fernando’s Hideaway flashback on E you stunned me with your forever vows and a ring so perfect you silenced a salsa club rowdy crowd. I wore it true. True to you. And when it was time. I knew what I had to do. I slid it off… Placed it on that white mans velvet cloth. I watched as he removed stone by stone. Inspecting. Complimenting. Eyes twinkling. Off this lick. My heart hardening. Poker face. Fuck you. Pay me. Cold cash in hand. I always recount my money. I handed it to the attorney and told him bluntly to save his A$$. My clock is ticking and I need him back in time to impregnate me and feel our baby kick. I work hard for a cause. I work hard cause I’m hard.
Yet, I love you and you’ll feel it. You’ll judge me and I’ll absorb it. Morph it. Into strength you’ll walk away with. Skin therapy. I will meditate and replenish. Lightening speed. Lightening struck by me. Electrified. Touched by an angel. A stranger. You tell ALL your secrets too. Kindred hearts. Connected by a thirty minute session. I feel you. I’m listening. I’m transferring. I computing. I’m diluting the nonsense and sending you on your way with substance. You don’t even realize until it fully absorbs. But, I do… in your profound yelp reviews. My crazy serious loving impression will leave you in question? I got you. I’ll never share your secrets. You’ll come back for more cause I’m a mysterious soul. Bonnie and Clyde. Jay and Bey. Kim and Kanye.
Tony ♥ Ry. Dynasty. Monumental. Together we are our temple. Longest standing. Commanding. Duel respect.
To your life of nine to five rigid consistency. It’s okay. I’ll be that ray.. my light will never dull. I know. I’m full. On me. I earned this shit. Title: BOSS BITCH. Here hold my dignity real quick… I’ve got some sketchy shit to do. Never been a good girl. Raised in the hood girl. Chameleon upbringing. Racial division. Traumatic confusion. Hampton’s to New York City Lights. Beverley Hills to Toronto skies. Palm Beach to Oakland streets. My situations pretty situated. My intentions remain pure. However sketchy. I walk a fine line. When you’re a prison wife together you walk that line.
I’ve been away for quite a while. I completely lost my passion for writing. I’ve been blocked. Just lately… I have felt the intense urge to begin writing again. A hunger within me. If you’ve followed my memoirs from the beginning. You’ve seen me at my darkest hour. And although I shared so much. I was still incredibly guarded. Paranoia. It did destroy me. My last post years ago. And now I write. STRONG. blessed. Progress-ion. A new frame of thought. I am still on my journey. A husband in prison. I grind daily. On a mission. For a better life. I’ve swallowed my pride. Learned to walk again. One step at a time. My confidence is back. I’ve earned that. My journey is one which should be shared. If you knew me… in this outside world. You might be surprised by my story. I share it with few. Where do I begin telling you what I’ve been up to?
Thank you for all the encouraging messages since I stopped writing. Through email, facebook and twitter. I appreciate you. My life was quite dark when I originally began this blog. It was my refuge. My way to release the rage, sadness, emptiness inside. You witnessed my nervous breakdown. You witnessed my rawness. My ending and new beginning. My life had collapsed beneath me and I had no idea how to fix it. Stop it. Accept it. Embrace it. I wanted to die. I wanted to DIE.
So, much has transpired. Eventually I shut down completely. I hated myself in such away. What I had become. But, still I did not completely give up. God never left me. Ever. I have witnessed more in my 35 years then most will ever see. I moved away from that magical strawberry scented beach town. Where I used to write. I love that place. I believe the sound of the ocean saved me. I was so high… not on life. Trying to escape the misery. But, the time came and I knew I had to leave. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. Going back to my hometown. Home the furthest thing I felt. My grandpa. My rock. Fell ill. It was time. Time was ticking. This move would change my life. My brother was missing. Mastermind was gone. They took him. Again. I spent every single dollar on lawyers, marijuana, and never-ending bills.. while I wallowed in my self-pity. I promised my grandpa I would never forget him. I knew what I had to do. That time had come. My high gone. Rawness. Realness. Hollowness. I was frail. Meatless. Bones. A walking ghost. I slept on the floor. In my car. Not my new BMW. I lost that too. I had myself and my little dog. He is my constant. I faced humans who I share the same blood with that despise me. Frown upon me. Share the same air in the same room. Yet will not speak. I faced them. I faced them ALL. ALL by myself. I held my head. I stood my ground. Alone. Ready for battle. Ready for anything. Whispers. Snickers. Looks of disgust. I sat there. I stood there. And I was proud. I was silent. Lethal in strength. While each domino fell.
My brother surrendered. He was home. He was safe. He was back. My brother. My twin soul. My mirror image was back. My grandfather could rest. He was so tired. He was so ready. My brother was safe. My grandfather let go. For me three traumatic blows. At this time I witnessed miracles. Miracles that no words can describe. Feelings of intervention from the divine. My heart forever changed. I could never view the world again the same.
We awaited trial. Court rooms after court room. I’m losing ALL my men. Mastermind. My Grandfather. My brother. My stepson. My nephew. I am all alone. But, I have my constant. I have Capone. #TBC
Wrenching. Stench of terror. Despair. Scorned. Violently awake. Shaken. Shook. Crooked. Steep creep. Can’t. Won’t. Refusal. Refute. Futile. Denial. Cry. Pain. Shame. Infamous. STRESS. West. Longing for a bullet in the chest. Peace. Serene. Rest. Left.. Question.. Everyone. I’m the crazy one. Emotionally challenged. A beautiful wreck. With an elegant neck. Train wreck. Expectations.. Exasperated. Breathing on a ventilator. Unbalanced equator. Abuse. Used too. Abuser: Self made. Hatred. Shapeless. Darkness. Cartwheels in a past life. Distant eyes.. Lifeless. Shouted out. Permanent pout. Dazed. Unconfused. Forever bruised. Deep purple, cobalt blue. True. Real. Raw. Tell me have you seen her..? A fragment of what’s left of her.. Being.. Cream.. Dream… of that girl.. I used to know. Pure like winter snow. Darkened by contaminated guilt.. Spilled milk. Crowd control. Floored. In the corner. Holding my knees. Daggered. Watch my heart bleed Out. Crouching tiger. Hidden dragon. Drip drop. Tick tock.. Stop watch. Gods clock. Road block. Violation. Destination.. Space station.. Ready for take off.
Is this ALL a lesson to see what I’m made of? Crumbling. Numbing.. Mind blowing.