Breaking point. I lie here at 2:55 am. While the rest of the world is asleep. My insides in painful knots. My nerves and nails completely shot. Unhappiness and pain all around. Life so intense, in surround sound. Yes, my heart is made of glass. Fragile, under strenuous conditions I’m wearing fast. Today my last day of wearing a mask. I’m tired and tired enough to say it aloud. I am only in control of myself. This morning I am making a personal commitment to myself.
“I promise to love me first.”
Love.. as a whole is affecting me in ways only I truly know.. I understand love on a deeper level. I understand what it feels like to fight with ALL my might. I do not have the Midas touch. .
It’s taken me 32 years to “believe” that from this moment forward. I love myself enough to remove myself from anything that causes me heartache or pain. Not because I don’t care. Because, I’ve taken ALL I can bear. No longer accepting misery. To toxic to the air I breathe. The consumption takes over me. Becoming apart of me. Zapping little energy left in me. Spreading like wild-fire to ALL I love. No matter what. I am done. Enough is enough. It is me that I have to begin to love. Because at 3:14 my day is long over.. And it is still difficult to breathe. It is I that must nurse my heart. Wipe my tears. Cut through tension. Dissect the definition of perseverance. No longer running interference. No more. I stand my ground. This is my breaking point. Sound. No more face to face. I have said what I’ve said. Nothing more to say. This is me saving my life. A broken heart piecing it back together part by part. Some of them on back order. Foreign.. I love myself enough to say I’m worth more. Misery, discontent, hellbent. No more.
Think it’s only natural I’m crashing. Running hard. Running on fumes. Keeping you out the loop. Sadness, despair, surrounded by suicidal thoughts.. Lifelines taking mine. Trickling toxicities into u. Us. Rush Rush.. For what? I feel so stuck. Afraid to move. Afraid to get into a groove. Everybody frozen unsure what to do. I don’t know how to play chess. What I would do to lay in my safe place.. Your chest. Ohhh boy this has been a massive clean up. Life such a mess. What’s the longevity.. In ALL this sadness. Cracked out drama. No giggles, no smiles. I check them at each and every door. No, my my my system has gone haywire to bogged down for a restore.
Restore to what? To who? Life getting the best of me, us, u have left my heart bruised. No more shades of soft bubble gum pink. I’m black and blue. Attitude sad, frustrated hint of rude.
Dude, get it together. Disheveled and beautiful.. dark angel. Keep working on polishing your halo. I’m not ready to exit. Even with the mess I’m in. I still see my life as blessing and.. I have work still to be done. Just tired, exhausted.. A ton of boxes to unpack. Memories.. Getting the best of me each road I travel down I check myself in the rearview.. Little me. Big frown. Chin up. Hair down.
No plan. Crumpled map. Yet, I know this city. That’s right. I just don’t know this me. Contaminated. Searching for a vaccine. A cure.. Praying with ALL my heart for a miracle. A voice of reason. A new season. A palate to taste at ALL. Living off fast food.. Darkening my mood. No fuel. No desire. I miss my inner fire.. Screaming so loud sound like a whole children’s african choir.
Heavy, heavy, heavy. No ultimately I will be okay. I have strong faith. In me, in us. In who you are. I’m in the battlefield. Signing up.. I knew for certain would leave scars. Now, im in the driver’s seat.. No more copilot for me. Driving dangerously at high altitude speeds. ALL out of character for me.
My destiny will be what it’s going to be.. Doesn’t mean it’s not just about to kill me.. While I’m slowly… Slowly.. Rebooting. Choosing.. Running olympic speeds from the guilt. Afraid of sunlight in possibility I may melt.. Just playing the cards I have been dealt. I’m the hold card. One of the toughest cards in the deck. Shuffling and demanding a reshuffle. Accused of counting cards. I’m intelligent but not that so.. Just watching, listening and analyzing waiting for an open door. Need more time for what’s in store.. Your ALL I got. Never forget the power you possess. My guide on this ever so lonely quest. Wish I had a little one for a nightlight. Someone to hug and hold me and to tuck in at night.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. I’m praying for a miracle. Please reciprocate. Double or nothing. Split them. I can’t help. I’m a loyal bitch. This is who I am. I have been ALL in from the shuffle.
Scrapes, bruises, broken heart.. Never ending scuffles.. I’m still breathing. I’m still standing. Ch’in up. Just could use.. A clue. Never forget my love and compassion is my greatest virtue..
Who you are to me.
The air I breathe. My eternity. My king.
Having some bad days.. Watching myself.. age, hair gray.. Feeling myself growing older with you. Wiser. Committed. I have fully submitted.
Strong. A forever bond. Friends laced with passion. Have your back. No matter how high the stack. I’m ALL in. Over a decade. Headaches to koolaid smiles. ALL worth while. I dig your style. Sexy profile. Trade me in… Sinful thought. At 32 I’m your queen jewel.
Always be a crazy, sexy, cool girl.. Do anything for you boy. Just the thought of you. Brings me tremendous joy. We gotta puppy together.. Still feels like puppy love. Sweet as a chocolate dove bar.. Ride you like I ride copilot in your shiny car. Your little mama. Love you like.. a fat kid loves cake. I’ll do it ALL for you. I’ll do whatever it takes. Don’t make me wait.. Adore me forever. Like a proud father. Smother me with love like you’re starving. I want a bite. I’m nice and tight. Ripe and right. Let’s have a pillow fight.. I’m yours. Your mine. ALL real. ALL genuine. Mine ALL mind. In do time.. Sweet dreams. See you in the cosmos at exactly 11:33
Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.
Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.
Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.
I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.
Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”
I wish you.. Could hold me right now. Rock me to sleep.. Rub my head.. Whisper in my ear.. Tell me you love me.. Show me you love me..
I wish.. I could wake up tomorrow morning to your eggs.. Sliced tomatoes.. A couple of grapes.. I miss you. I wish we could lay side by side perfectly fitting.. Your face in my neck..
Ignoring ALL calls.. Breathing each other in. I yearn for your touch..
I wish I could do my eyes.. To match what I wear.. And hear.. You say you liked how I did them. And ask you to wear something to match me and you do.. I wish.. We could eat each other for lunch and have an ultra late dinner because we don’t want to let each other go.. I’m in love with you. I need “u” in my heart..