Peaked

Wrenching. Stench of terror. Despair. Scorned. Violently awake. Shaken. Shook. Crooked. Steep creep. Can’t. Won’t. Refusal. Refute. Futile. Denial. Cry. Pain. Shame. Infamous. STRESS. West. Longing for a bullet in the chest. Peace. Serene. Rest. Left.. Question.. Everyone. I’m the crazy one. Emotionally challenged. A beautiful wreck. With an elegant neck. Train wreck. Expectations.. Exasperated. Breathing on a ventilator. Unbalanced equator. Abuse. Used too. Abuser: Self made. Hatred. Shapeless. Darkness. Cartwheels in a past life. Distant eyes.. Lifeless. Shouted out. Permanent pout. Dazed. Unconfused. Forever bruised. Deep purple, cobalt blue. True. Real. Raw. Tell me have you seen her..? A fragment of what’s left of her.. Being.. Cream.. Dream… of that girl.. I used to know. Pure like winter snow. Darkened by contaminated guilt.. Spilled milk. Crowd control. Floored. In the corner. Holding my knees. Daggered.  Watch my heart bleed Out. Crouching tiger. Hidden dragon.  Drip drop. Tick tock.. Stop watch. Gods clock. Road block.  Violation. Destination.. Space station.. Ready for take off.

Is this ALL a lesson to see what I’m made of? Crumbling. Numbing.. Mind blowing.

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Just Existing..

Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.

Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.

Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.

I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.

Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”