Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM

Need to start writing again.. My end of the evening cleanse. Like journaling.. writing to ALL of you is a true form of therapy. Venting. Breathing through my pen. Letting you in.. Instead of just expecting you to understand.. why it’s taken me so long to come back.. Reflecting on my most intimate moments. Refueling your love. I miss your comments.. Must keep this blog running. Solid. No cracks. So, you ALL continue to show love and have a reason to check back. Check on me.. No more holding back.. No matter how HEAVY life continues to get.. I shall never forget. ALL the love. ALL the support. ALL the feedback. Reminders. Fuel for court. I have shut down again in a sense. Moving ultra fast. Different location. Everyday new destinations. Attempting to fit as much as each new day allows. No longer stopping long enough to write about what happens on my journey of my daily prowl.. Becoming as direct as Simon Cowell. I blot my forehead after HOT yoga with a downy softened towel. Stopping to write means forcing myself to rethink , relive, re-breathe the pain I just exhaled. Moving onto the next obstacle, next step keeping my stamina for what I know is coming next…

I close my eyes in hopes to forget. Push aside.  No more puff puff pass.. to subside the anxiety lurking inside. If I stop to explain I mean say.. anything about any I mean ALL of it.. I may just possibly sink quicksand deep. With no coming back. Because……………………….. I’m tired. I truly am. I arrived here.. to what feels like a whole new planet.. Instantly to massive wait. I came ready for battle. As if I were conditioning for Kuwait. BAM, BOMB, HATE, FATE, State of disaster, Fast. FasT, FASTER! One thing after another. CONFLICT. Mishaps. Compiling. Merging disasters! Passing by mirrors. I don’t recognize this girl. Only reacting to smoke signals. Everything most important. Love potent. Directing me. Through feeling, desire, GOD. Time moving FAST. No moment appears to last. Replaced by Rage. Igniting to flames carried along in the wind. Love conflicted with Sin. Stretched…. ALL the way out. THIN. In weight as in wealth. Gaining richness as in health. I bide my time. Needed. De-pleated. Sucked empty. Manuka honey. I find very little funny. Serious as I want to be. I AM energy. Resourcefulness enough to lighten up a mood. Brighten up a room. Flip you like a light-switch your attitude. Smiling with sincere gratitude. Blessed, Happiness, Luck, Joy I exude when I AM ON. off I shut down when I am alone. Calming my inner soul. I speak to my Grandpa with such.. clarity. Crisp clear words flow from my lips. I practice patience where he lives. I am forced to slow down . Becoming.. gentle. Docile with a fiery inner strength. I choose my words with great care. I do not curse. I feel blessed beyond words to have this time. As time is limited. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime and into the next. I keep my telephone near. To hear the calls I anticipate daily. My daily bread. Lifelines. Hanging up recharged. In bed at night I say my prayers. No-longer picking up my pen. Feeling power in my prayers. My God. Granting my desires. Forgiving my sins. Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM.

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Just Existing..

Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.

Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.

Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.

I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.

Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”

Thank you God and Goddesses..

Thank you God for waking up today in peace.

Thank you God for my shower with HOT water.

Thank you God for my safety while in the shower;  The feeling of knowing I will not be raped. I am safe. I fear not being bombed. THANK YOU GOD I say to “U”..

Thank you God for the comfort of my Mother. Sharing our day together..

Thank you God for my niece’s personality sure to turn any frown upside down.

Thank you God for the blessings of my sisters and brothers.

Thank you God for my legs and allowing me fresh clean air while I walk my Dog to-day in safety and in awe of ALL your beautiful creations.

My internal thank you.. I say in whisper and feel with the passion.. of a Revolutionary Egyptian. Δ

LOVE

LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out.  Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be.  There  is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy,  my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes..  On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?

Lost with out you..

2:51 am Slight breeze.. The ocean is roaring.. I have no tears at the moment. No secrets, potions or tricks to pull.. I sit here.. deep in thought. Doe eyed. Sitting Tall. People love to watch you suffer. Wait to see you crash straight into a brick wall. I used to be a sprinter.. I hit rock bottom and now I start all over once again.. I’m currently in the middle of a rebuild.. Far to devastated for remodel. The economy sucks. Effecting most everyone’s investments, accounts and pocket books, beliefs and trust. So, here I am.. repainting the walls. Old fashioned in so many ways.. I’m not to proud to get on my knees and pray; Then moving right along. Gotta have great music on! Makes the job.. more like fun. Scrubbing floors, washing windows, doing the yard, next is the garage, front and back courtyards, balcony and patio, sealing the cracks in the floor. Looking and seeing changing colors and suddenly realize shit it’s already fall! Soon little tricker treaters will be knocking on my door.. Boy my minds sure not on candy.. I’m checking out this growing stack of bills. Life is so full of surprises. Very intense egos, vanity smurfs and wanna be reality starlets and idols. Quit! You know you; yourself have thought about it…? Yeah..  Freedom! Freedom to choose. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to excel to your full potential. The unique creative child of God we all are. Somethings got to give..

I have to make something happen. A miracle. A waterfall of a windfall. Oh how I vision life to be.. So much simpler when you’re not counting pennies for gas or than checking to see if anythings left to get something to eat. I know I got it in me. I know I do.. I Do. I DO! Full of so many surprises, my bright inner light lit, not a quitter. When I’m all in. I confidently back my hand. Even with off suit seven deuce, I’ll play you. I’ll look you in your eyes as if I’m flying high on pocket rockets. Trying to figure me out..? I see you. Not going to happen to soon. I’m a chameleon. I blend in to any scene, situation or conversation. This is one of my most special gifts God’s blessed me with. I may be bluffing some of the way.. I’m a survivor and the objection is to do what I have to, to make it through today. My focus resides on the current. Through this ALL. I’m just brightening my light and soon you shall witness before your very eyes as  my star arrives.

life experiences. Pick a character I bet you I’ve played her too.  My whole life has been a stage and a lot of it I did not act right. I’m here. I’m there. I traveled far and near. I’ve seen so much! No matter where I went. Blessed with some serious contacts, friendships and luck.. My mind was stuck on someone.. That someone is Mastermind. A decade and some later we are still going strong. A serious grip. I will not let go.. I will continue to be here, to fight. To both of us, I say hold on. Unbreakable, Irreplaceable there is Know-one out there that could fill his shoes. Or break our bond. I’m completely loyal, will hold it down and proudly present to him his golden crown in years to come.. He will return.. I feel blessed for that. Some people have to say their goodbyes forever.. and for us we just followed down a wrong road and now must embrace this current endeavor, viewing it as having more time to focus on ourselves each other and the close few we love and trust.  Seasons will change.. Dynastic occasions will pass with less luster than used to be.. Birthdays will come and go.. Time is something you never get back and with mine I shall take full advantage.. Embracing personal growth.. Flooding him with mail in red envelopes =LOVE not making his time hard.   Realizing he needs to focus. The stories are painful. What goes down in their, in the yard.. Breaks my heart. To know the man I love is there locked and shackled behind closed doors. My respect meter if off the rictor and makes me love him that much deeper. I’m lost without him.. But, I bought an LED flash lite and am slowing making my way.. Slow playing.. at a snail’s pace. Hold_Card analyzing every single situation, Checking you out, Intently listening and making my next three moves all the while everyone is chatting, cat fighting, talking about the most current crazy UFO siting.. Oh where do I belong??? Not here. Not anywhere… What do people really think of me? I often ponder on who they really believe me to be..? Just curious at the end of the day.. Not everyone is going to love me. My personality an acquired taste. A rare concoction spicy and raw. Fresh and delectable. Simply irresistible. I have my vices.. I gamble with life, my heart and love. I’m a poker player and I’m just trying to get ahead. To stay above water.. I carefully tread.. I can’t swim and at times I freak the fuck out! My sweet voice occasionally needs a blow out. Or if left un-serviced will either ignite, blow a gasket, fuse or possibly die. In this lifetime. I will look back at this. This very moment. Exactly right now. I will remember this.. I will close my eyes and hear my tummy growl. I will envision all of this as I inhale the aroma from my private chef. I wish to make a difference. I don’t intend the future to be nothing like this. The process of a butterfly.. and soon. Perfection I can’t help. I know what I like and I know what I want. It’s never personal. My movie runs in my head. Thinking about 10,000 things while listening, praying for the passing siren and feeding my puppy dog.. A 24 hour multitask-er. So, much to do.. On borrowed time. Energy is lacking.. Food or gas again? Shoot! I also need toilet paper, tooth paste, batteries and as usual my mind wandering.. (I have to start making my lists) I forget.. Oh yeah firewood..

I’m truly blessed for this allotted personal time for growth.. I can tell you I’m a trip! Slightly unstable in meaning you really never know exactly what personality you’ll get.. In meaning.. I am ALL over the place. One minute I’m up! Cheery with a painted smile brightening the darkness that looms my face. Unsure if you should run.. Head for the hills. Or   If you bet on me.. Believe in me. Can find an ounce of faith to spare me..

Light me a candle at church, Say a prayer for me.. I could just be your personal lottery. Something major is  happening. Taking place before my very eyes. Disguised by nothing but light.. Serious energy electrifys me. So I know that something is cooking.. Smells like my favorite recipe. Just an added dash of this and that.. and poof* the numbers appear. Just – like – that. Manifested, meditated God listened.. Only he knows what I’m made of.