Sometimes you have to take a step back. Change position. New perspective. Even if viewing through blurry eyes. Change of pace. New York’s rat race to L.A.’s blasé dash and shake. How do I feel when I wake? At 8am or 4pm? Am I paying attention to my RPM? Life has away of slowing us down or speeding us up. It’s the moment we realize it’s not up to us. And in the same breath realizing we are in control of the wheel. Which way will I steer? Will I go South or East? Which way is the best way? What would Hawaii feel like? Would I feel trapped like Ginger on Gilligan’s island? Or would I feel safe from no attachment of bordering states? My mental state is calm and chaotic. Very mythotic. ALL Done with absolute logic. I know exactly what I want. Which in a away is haunting. Quite Daunting. My mind is road mapping. Even while napping. I contemplate. Which country? Which state? How BIG my dreams are! What dreams may come of pushing the bar thus far? Even in my dullest moment I know in my heart♥ I was born a star. Where will I shine my light? Ignite? Take flight?
I’m not happy. I don’t even like typing those words. I have so much I’m grateful for. To not be happy feels absurd. But, I’m not. I smile wide. To hide all inside. My body aches. I’ve sold myself short and that’s hard for me to take. How much longer am I going to wait? It’s time to let go of my belongings. All possessions that posses me. Capone is all I truly need. I look around my surroundings. What parallelizes me from setting myself free. Is ALL this worth it? I will not succumb to the vulnerability of me feeling lonely. I spend so much time alone. Choosing to be with myself over meet ups and talking on the phone. I let it ring. Nobody’s home. Go away. I’m working on my next play. It’s almost game-day. I have everything riding on this hand. That’s the difference between a plan and a master-plan. I think I can therefor I know I can. I AM a force with in. I have to believe I can do it with or without him. It’s up to me. I’m defined by me. Not him. I need a moment to let that soak in.
Broken in. Broke back. Wild to Thoroughbred. Watch out. She’s just about back. Visual. Creator. Couture. Demure. Brilliant. Thoughtful. Insightful. Deliciously delightful. Vanilla exterior. Chocolate interior. A rare breed. Old fashioned with a futuristic edge. I am the wind. I live my life close to the edge. I’ve been known to jump. I keep a close eye on me, myself and I. For we are all very different combined into one breathtaking disaster. Known as RY. I’m shy. I’m bolder then BOLD. My heart is hot and can instantly grow ice cold. I will not fit into your mold. I am not the woman to scold. I know my role. I know yours too. I’ll hold you to it or I’ll walk through you. Dimensions. Conventional. Unforgettable. The girl you once knew. The girl who got through. Enchanting. Beautiful and precious. Clues given. Dues paid. Body of Jade (royal gem) symbol of good.
Embodies the Confucian virtues of wisdom, justice, compassion, modesty and courage, symbolizes the femme fatale. Erotic. Exotic. Hardness. Toughness. An enchanting range created through growing pains. Acquires a special attraction from those worth while. A vision floating on the Nile 4,000 miles. I wait for you. I shape for me. For me and me only. You no longer like what you see. You never understood me. You misread me. You dread me. You want to posses me. Place me in a cage. Suffocate me. Unlike glitter. Diamonds must breathe. After reading ALL this. What I am saying is realize my worth and accept me as I accept me. Imperfectly perfect. I WILL NOT SUBMIT.
Phone Check √
Heart wreck. Quick recover. Freak
undercover. Four-play. Argue ALL day. Emotional display. Clarity. He instills in me. #1 concern ME. He loves me. He loves me I think.. a lot. Yeah right. He loves me most. No question. ALL-in love. Close overdose. No I guess. No hesitance. No I suppose.
A complete YES.
He holds my heart next to his. In his chest. Heartbeat. Sound check. My safe place. My save face. He is home. Intertwined bodies through a wormhole. Connected souls. Through prison phone. Everything about everything. He knows. Ruler of right. Apology of wrong. Forgiving of ALL. My obsession. ALL or nothing. He adores me. He glorifies me. Our love-story out does any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so surreal. Outsiders think it’s make believe. He is the man. MINE. I’m not jealous I’m territorial with Mine. I am his lady. His partner. Significant other. His queen. His wife. His bitch. His baby. He knows my triggers and wholly accepts me as me. My off the chart level of bipolar crazy. He rubs my ass and spanks me. HARD. Over fifteen years he’s fluent in my DNA genetic matrix chart. He knows my favorite cock-tail. A splash of cream. I scream as he sedates me with his tongue. His voice. His words. His energy keeps me forever young. I age backwards. Zero to a Hundred in .2 seconds. He tranquilizes me in one sentence. Hypnotized. He always brings me back. That is a fact. Even if it causes him to almost break his back. His little monkey always attached. Needy. Greedy. He rarely complains. But, in an instant he will attack. He’s my everything. My crooked halo. My golden wings. No question we sold my platinum flawless wedding ring. Attorney fees. Do what we must. It’s ALL or nothing. It’s ALL about us. He calls the shots. Star player. I fully trust. I lust in love. Compulsive crush. Mad and deep. I kick and buck only when my gut flames up. Fire. Passion. I stand my ground. He respects my being. His perfect queen. He straightens my crown. He stands down. His crown jewel. He always listens. My greatest gift. My biggest wish. My absolute. I salute. HIM. I belong to him. I am his. 34.Qh8#. (NO) Stalemate. WIN-WIN. Dynasty.
He knows the inflections in the tone of my voice. He knows if I’m smiling or crying silently. He speaks me fluently. And when I cry myself to sleep I feel him. Holding me. Maybe I’m delusional. But, I feel his presence as I back my body up into him. I can smell his scent. I feel his beard against my neck. I wake up recharged. Maybe it’s because, when we fall asleep our mirror images meet amongst the cosmos and stars and as our avatars fill our space in beds. We can’t sleep. Take the pain away. We go through the motions and count down the days. The closer it gets the more I miss him. I check fbop daily just to see if this mission has an early completion. My heart I keep extending. Lately it’s got the best of me. I inhale my clients problems. I loan them my breath to help them breathe. I’ve had more than a handful tell me that hush goes into their therapy expense category. On Sundays I detox. My entire body physically hurts. I take my job home and receive so many texts I can’t keep up with my life. It’s taking away from my duty of being the perfect wife. But, he knows me so well. He helps me through the flames as I’m lost in hell. I follow his voice. He is my addiction. Understands the affliction. Suffering and self sabotage. Reminds me I’m worthy and of ALL my gifts. He encourages me to write. To regurgitate the suffering inside. Flush the Hushed life I lead. The thought of not having him I can’t even conceive. I’m so fucking tired of taking the lead. Some days I’m beyond tired of being strong. As the days get closer I dream about becoming a mother. My clock ticks louder with each day. I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I could have a mini us. But, no fear took over and that gift was flushed. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I live with that pain everyday. His kindness and patience is how I self medicate. My fingers move so fast. I don’t even know what I’m typing. I do a spell check and publish the pain inside me.
This was a really tough weekend. I’m under the gun. I can’t even fathom the thought of having some fun. He says I’m wound so tight. I need to loosen up. I don’t know how. I’m on a money chase. I’m doing my very best to grind with grace when lately all I feel is rage. I’m back to my fuck you pay me mentality. My kindness taken for weakness is what I feel in me. I sip my baileys and contemplate. How I plan to win this race. Because, nobody remembers second place. I’m here to win. With him. I have the right to remain silent. I’m ALL in.
Suicide heavy on my mind. It’s been awhile dealing with these demons inside. They must have been on hiatus. Cause, I thought those feelings were left in my past attempts. However lately the heaviness is brutal. I’ve learned to fly solo. Rarely around others. Anxiety and awkwardness. My life passing. Opportunity after opportunity missed. I call this life “my life of sacrifice”. Gave up it ALL and now I sit in silence stalled. -out- Of energy, breath and confidence. I pray for a reason. I pray for a purpose. What I’m living can’t be why I was created. I had a dream. So, many dreams! I had it all mapped out. Never took no for an answer. I was all about the finish line. Bright lights. Red carpets. Mics waiting to see what’s next. I was always five steps ahead and now I can’t seem to keep up. I’m bored as fuck. I’ve let myself down and now I sit here all alone and feel like a clown. So much potential, promise and expectancy of all that I would do, acquire and see. Empty passport. I let that shit expire. I sit stagnate and cry in silence. They say you become like the five people you spend the most time with. In my spare time. I walk this line alone. Like E.T. the only place I feel comfortable is home. But, even here I stare at unpacked boxes. Three years later I forgot what’s even in them. But, still wont donate them. In hopes of one day having a home of my own. As this is not my home. It’s a place I most appreciate. A place I can come back to and feel a dash of safe.
Where do I go from here? What is my purpose? Can I do the job? All while I’m lost. Lost inside myself. Swimming in my head. I feel empty. I feel dead.
I’m sobbing. My heart is throbbing. I’m robbing myself of a life gifted to me. Who am I? Where am I? The morning after I’m an emotional wreck. This morning after pill I can’t bring myself to swallow. I take enough sleeping pills to help me pass this time. I pray I drift off peacefully. I feel hollow. In thirty-five years I smile for those around me. I make choices for everyone but me. My life is flipped upside down and I laugh and joke around. I’ve been back three years and ALL my boxes still packed. I can’t get ahead. I’m crumbling. I’m numbing myself to this lifeless existence. The formula I can’t figure out how to compute. Life is so hard and feel as though I’m reliving dazed and confused. The weight is so heavy my knees are buckling. I’m trying my hardest. It’s nearing Thanksgiving and I have no harvest. I’m so fucking lost on my journey. I can’t see straight and it’s ALL so blurry. You can take me now… I’m not a quitter. But, my body’s getting thinner by the day. My hair is falling out in clumps and my stress level is code red. I’m back on medication and every promise I made to myself I’m breaking. Will I ever be a happy person? Is that possible for me? I live in such a dark world. My head is pounding. My appetite is gone. I wake up to a fog and wait for it to set back in so I can fall asleep again. Fuck I was doing so good. How could I fall off so quick. I wish I had just one friend. Who knew me. Who knew who I really am. Someone I could lay down my hand and show every card. With out a word. They could see right through me. I need to write a will. I’m not going to kill myself. No need to worry. But, do I want to be here… Really? I ask myself what am I offering this world? What am I contributing? And I feel purposeless.
I live for Capone.