I never expected my life to be like this. Not ever. Not in a million years ever. Quiet. Deafening silence. I’m becoming most worried. Because, It’s my normal. I don’t deal with loudness well. Chaos. Constant movement. Commotion. I like stillness. I like complete and utter silence. Do I though? Growing up… I always day dreamed the life I would have. I would walk through my future house. I’d decorate it in my mind. Room by room. I had it all figured out. I always imagined a loud house. A busy bustling household. I imagined guests and neighbors, friends and family, children, events and parties. That was my life. A husband asleep cuddled up next to me. Bedrooms full of children. What I never seen in my visions were animals. Never a dog. Definitely not a cat. Never ever animals. But, lots and lots of people. I always heard music. Dancing. I would smell the food from the other room as I ran back to check on it. I would feel love. The energy filling the kitchen as we set the table and then cleared it. Full bellies. We’d lounge… and laugh. Warm summer nights. Sitting on the large porch. Talking. Loving. We’d decorate for the Holidays and support one-another in our events and accomplishments. I imagined road trips and long talks. This was my life! I seen it. I lived it in my mind. Over and over again. Day after day and night after night. A thousand times. I seen it. I smelled it. I tasted it!
And here I am. No deja vu. The house completely dark all but a single candle. No music. No laughter. No breathing. No little one to check on. To tuck in. Nobody to get ready in the morning to make breakfast for. No husband to crawl in bed and cuddle. Just me. Just me and Capone my lifeline I never once imagined. Life is really something. Can’t tell you the last time I shared a meal with someone. Not once have I shared my dining table with another person in the last three years since moving back. I eat out of takeout boxes and pizza boxes. Cooking makes me cry. Sometimes I play pandora to fill the empty space and after a few songs grow annoyed and turn back to quietness. My candles and incense bring me calm. I talk to myself everyday. Full blown conversations. Most would consider me crazy I’m certain. But, Capone hears me. He understands too. Everyday brings with it a list I can barely digest. Overwhelming to-dos that feel like suffocation. I can barely breathe. I can’t keep up. I juggle and fall and cry. Then get up. I feel stranded. I feel stuck. I feel fucked. I hush myself to sleep. Toss and turn. It’s so hard to stay asleep.
Memoirs of a Mastermind 