BLOW

Something has to change. Something has to give. The pressure is so intense. More often than not I’m asking myself if this is ALL worth it? Tomorrow I don’t even want to wake up. On my way home I was half way praying my car would get shot up. Fuck…. I’m so tired. I mean this is really a lot. With each day the pressure rises. I fuckin hate surprises!

ALL day I remind myself why I’m choosing to do this… Why not just move to the Hampton’s and live in bliss? ALL I want is to wake up tomorrow and get my kid ready for their first day back to school. Make sure their outfit is tight and supplies list is right. But, no. I traveled a different road. I’m ready for a new route. I keep forgetting to eat. My smiles are coming less often. It’s 11:55 –  five minutes to midnight. I’m too exhausted to eat. I have forty towels to finish washing and get rolled up. They need to be back to hush by 8am and ready for clients. I’m writing this post to diffuse my inner bomb while I wait. Listen to voice-mails, check emails, 5am will be here way too soon. Tomorrow is a decision day. Decisions mean you gotta pay to play. In my world pay-offs are huge. I’m getting fed up. Overwhelmed with continuous payment of dues. I’m not living my calling. I’m fighting the force. The universe is moving and my body has stalled. I feel like I’m being suffocating and ramming my head against a brick wall. My hands are all cut up. My fingernail mangled. Not feeling very pretty. I let the tears flow. They must come out to renew my soul.

What am I supposed to be doing? Why God are you making this so hard? When will you let up? When will the rainbow appear? How can I not feel doubt and fear when the end feels so near? I’m only one person. What wont kill you makes you stronger… well I’m dying inside. My delicacy is gone. I’m rough and tough and my strength is hardening me. I’m so tired. I can’t even sleep.