Woke up this Monday. READY. Heartbeat steady. Thank you God for blessing me. Favoring me. Clearing my path. Offers constantly presenting themselves. A few have tickled my fancy. But, haven’t got me up dancing for celebratory delight. More of a mental vs heart-string fight which was my gut telling me this opportunity is not right. However, today is clearly different. My mind is racing and my hand is steady. I’m ALL-in-ing this bitch on a steady bluff. A power play. This play is not a pick up my stack and walk away to a destination vacation. This is tourney play an ALL-in for the duration. Back burner to any and all upcoming vacation plans. This will be juggling cash flow through multiple windows. I’m so fucking ready. This is the hand.
The hand I have been patiently waiting for. Meditating on and praying for. My smile will close this deal. My heart will be beating out my chest. Only I will know and feel this. I’m icy. My poker face is straight. Ray-bans on. Hush Tan on. Pen in pocket. Portland on lock. Rising. Hush Tan stock.
I fuck with a Boss. I worship a cross. I’m a star baller being coached by the mastermind of hustler. My grinds gritty. My face pretty. I loathe self-pity. My language witty. My dream crush nipsey. But, it can’t be. That’s ALL Lauren. He adores her – RESPECT – I gotta lot of sense. Not common. Rare. Pressured. Flawless. Like Bey.. I woke up like this. Yeah, I woke up like this.
I crush hard. I’m shy. I pull my hush card. I’ll always look you in your eyes. Social anxiety. I run solo. Trekking up this mountain. I’m ADD. I’m manic. I hate. Hate. I love. Love. No panic. Rypolar. Bicoastal. I hydrate in ocean lined states. I’m a body mechanic. Hush Life body enhancement. My bed a hammock. A mental tune-up. I feel better with color on my skin. I feel better with color within-ME. My ocean runs deep. Ry’s island. My secret lush garden. My etheric energy causes you to harden. Demons creep. I weep my insecurities to four am. My inner turmoil. I regroup by digging my hands in soil. Life. Living. Giving. LOYAL. Change means growth. I’m growing so fast I need new clothes. Straps on my boots broke. Constantly pulling them up. Super glued soles. No excuses. Superglue hold. I win on a bluff. No crutch. I’m icy. Chanel shades. Feisty. Fuck I am who I am. I am MAHRIAH. A survivor. A girl on fire. A super woman. A wild wind. A force with in. A Sasha fierce. You want a piece of me?? Britney Spears. I’m crazy sexy cool. Around the world girl. I’ve lived lives within life. I’ve lived that world. Right now I’m in the cut. Laying low. Shaping. Sharpening. Shadowing Z…
I can’t get enough of this girl. I’m addicted to her. I’m conflicted by her. I need to know her. Adore her. I’m falling in love with her. Love making love to her. I’m beginning to become her. My characters are beginning to merge. All the extra I’m learning to purge. Communications getting better. I’m learning to use my words. My smile is my sword. Fuck my lock pick. Universal language my smile opens ALL doors. Floorboards silent. My stilettos on the shelf. Grind time. I rock my combat boots. My roots. Authorized housing. Bright Blue Door. I learned to ask for what I need and take what I want. I’m in my head. I’m in my body. I feel less crowded. Less sweet. More naughty. Personal space. Perimeter me. By invitation only.
Something has to change. Something has to give. The pressure is so intense. More often than not I’m asking myself if this is ALL worth it? Tomorrow I don’t even want to wake up. On my way home I was half way praying my car would get shot up. Fuck…. I’m so tired. I mean this is really a lot. With each day the pressure rises. I fuckin hate surprises!
ALL day I remind myself why I’m choosing to do this… Why not just move to the Hampton’s and live in bliss? ALL I want is to wake up tomorrow and get my kid ready for their first day back to school. Make sure their outfit is tight and supplies list is right. But, no. I traveled a different road. I’m ready for a new route. I keep forgetting to eat. My smiles are coming less often. It’s 11:55 – five minutes to midnight. I’m too exhausted to eat. I have forty towels to finish washing and get rolled up. They need to be back to hush by 8am and ready for clients. I’m writing this post to diffuse my inner bomb while I wait. Listen to voice-mails, check emails, 5am will be here way too soon. Tomorrow is a decision day. Decisions mean you gotta pay to play. In my world pay-offs are huge. I’m getting fed up. Overwhelmed with continuous payment of dues. I’m not living my calling. I’m fighting the force. The universe is moving and my body has stalled. I feel like I’m being suffocating and ramming my head against a brick wall. My hands are all cut up. My fingernail mangled. Not feeling very pretty. I let the tears flow. They must come out to renew my soul.
What am I supposed to be doing? Why God are you making this so hard? When will you let up? When will the rainbow appear? How can I not feel doubt and fear when the end feels so near? I’m only one person. What wont kill you makes you stronger… well I’m dying inside. My delicacy is gone. I’m rough and tough and my strength is hardening me. I’m so tired. I can’t even sleep.
At thirty-five. I’ve lived a few lives in this lifetime of mine. Wild Wind, Billets Doux, Love Letters, Imagine Me, Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card, Hush Tan. ALL have made me who I am. I grind with grace. I grind like I’m a contestant in the Olympics race. It’s taken me until now to gain the courage to merge the characters of each of these chapters of my life. ALL of these businesses began with a dream. A glimmer of hope inside me that came to light. Mostly red. Hush Tan turned green and I have been fiercely on the GO. The sole bread-winner. I carry a heavy load. So many ask me how. Ask me why? I’ve chosen to live my current life. My “why” is quite complex. Every business I’ve ever started came from love. Has to do with love. Love is who I am. It’s what I wish to sprinkle ALL over the world. I’m currently doing it soul by soul. Inspiring. Lifting. Listening. Comforting. Dis-comforting. Then bringing them back with a laugh attack. This is my therapy. “Hush” has taught me more about me then any other singular chapter in my life’s work.
I’ve learned to trust. Have faith. Work harder than I’ve ever worked before. I’ve learned how to be alone. Not take on self-pity. I’ve learned to LEARN. Educate myself on everything and figure it out on my own. Sacrifice. Lots… and lots of sacrifice. I now know independence. I know what it feels like. I’m a solo business owner and a prison wife. I’m a dog mom. I’m a homemaker. I’m a cleaning woman. I’m a book-keeper. I’m a daughter and daughter in-law. I’m a step-mom, granddaughter, sister, aunt and cousin. What I’m not much of is a friend. I’m a great acquaintance. I have not mastered friendship. I can’t figure it out. I’m private. Yet I’m an open book. I don’t have time and people take that personal. I work a gazillion hours per week. I have four facebook, twitter, instagram and email accounts. Which ALL receive a mass messages. I’ve been reluctant to merge my lives. I’m now ready and realize. This is who I am. And to be successful. I can no-longer keep up with the divisions, the characters. I’m ALL-in. This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH.
My brother once said to me… which I’ll never forget. I said to him over that recorded prison call.. What if my clients find out who I really am? He said, are those clients you’d really want anyway? I said, right now I need every client I can get. He said, that is not true. You just need a few who are loyal. He then went on to say… Mahriah it’s normal for people to judge. It’s what we do. It’s our instincts. We judge everything and everyone. For instance, the guy on the corner holding the sign. We say to ourselves should I give him my last five dollars? Does he need it more than me? Even though he looks so clean?? We must judge. It’s when we pass judgement. That’s when we lose. We should never pass judgment on one another. We should never condemn another. That is wrong. We judge. We do-not pass judgment. It took me a long time to understand the difference and process that. I said isn’t it the same thing?! He said just think about it.
I did think about it. A lot.
My clients and I talk about everything. It’s a vulnerable position to be standing naked in front of anyone for up-to an hour. If they ask me a direct question. One thing I’m not is a liar. I’ve alluded to where my husband is. But, if they directly ask me. I’ve told a few. Which was not easy for me. Anxiety flutters through me. Will they pass judgment on me? Will they be afraid to pay with their credit card? Do they think I’m a bad person? Do they still trust me? What do they think of me? Do they think I’m beneath them? Will they come back? Will the word get out?
My brother said are those clients you would want anyway? They tell you their truths. Trust you with their pain. Do they deserve to know yours? Where do you draw the line of professionalism?
He’s absolutely right. I’m ready to merge my lives. #HUSH (now… you really know) #FREEDOM
Good morning. Slept late. Later than I should have. A struggle of mine. A night owl at heart. Living in a silent house makes it difficult to get up some days more than others. Today is Sunday. I truly believe a Sunday well spent brings a week of content. I need a week off so bad. No phone. No contact. No internet. No appointments. The whole universe is telling me; this is what I need. When will I listen? When will it be forced? Why can’t I just tell people/clients NO. My schedule is booked solid. Between work, family, weddings, birthdays, and more work. I just want a me moment.
I woke up today laid there in bed. Deep in thought. Daydreaming about coffee. I said to myself… You are BOLD. But, it’s time to become BOLDER. It’s time to advance. One of my favorite secret moments is when my GPS is directing me someplace and then she magically says “you’ve arrived” I LOVE THOSE WORDS. I say to myself… Hold Card. Yes, darling you are on your way. Soon you shall do just that. Arrive. I know in my humbled heart I have not arrived on the level of which I so desire. The destination is close. The journey is in process.
Anyway, as you can see I suffer heavily from ADD. What I was saying to myself this morning was. I must not be afraid to be BOLD. Fortunate favors it. If I don’t want to do something. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. If everyone wants to eat somewhere that I do not. Garbage I don’t want to ingest into my temple. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. I don’t have to participate. I am a true leader. And true leaders do not create followers they create more leaders.