Category: Thoughts

Something has to change. Something has to give. The pressure is so intense. More often than not I’m asking myself if this is ALL worth it? Tomorrow I don’t even want to wake up. On my way home I was half way praying my car would get shot up. Fuck…. I’m so tired. I mean this is really a lot. With each day the pressure rises. I fuckin hate surprises!

ALL day I remind myself why I’m choosing to do this… Why not just move to the Hampton’s and live in bliss? ALL I want is to wake up tomorrow and get my kid ready for their first day back to school. Make sure their outfit is tight and supplies list is right. But, no. I traveled a different road. I’m ready for a new route. I keep forgetting to eat. My smiles are coming less often. It’s 11:55 –  five minutes to midnight. I’m too exhausted to eat. I have forty towels to finish washing and get rolled up. They need to be back to hush by 8am and ready for clients. I’m writing this post to diffuse my inner bomb while I wait. Listen to voice-mails, check emails, 5am will be here way too soon. Tomorrow is a decision day. Decisions mean you gotta pay to play. In my world pay-offs are huge. I’m getting fed up. Overwhelmed with continuous payment of dues. I’m not living my calling. I’m fighting the force. The universe is moving and my body has stalled. I feel like I’m being suffocating and ramming my head against a brick wall. My hands are all cut up. My fingernail mangled. Not feeling very pretty. I let the tears flow. They must come out to renew my soul.

What am I supposed to be doing? Why God are you making this so hard? When will you let up? When will the rainbow appear? How can I not feel doubt and fear when the end feels so near? I’m only one person. What wont kill you makes you stronger… well I’m dying inside. My delicacy is gone. I’m rough and tough and my strength is hardening me. I’m so tired. I can’t even sleep.

I never expected my life to be like this. Not ever. Not in a million years ever. Quiet. Deafening silence. I’m becoming most worried. Because, It’s my normal. I don’t deal with loudness well. Chaos. Constant movement. Commotion. I like stillness. I like complete and utter silence. Do I though? Growing up… I always day dreamed the life I would have. I would walk through my future house. I’d decorate it in my mind. Room by room. I had it all figured out. I always imagined a loud house. A busy bustling household. I imagined guests and neighbors, friends and family, children, events and parties. That was my life. A husband asleep cuddled up next to me. Bedrooms full of children. What I never seen in my visions were animals. Never a dog. Definitely not a cat. Never ever animals. But, lots and lots of people. I always heard music. Dancing. I would smell the food from the other room as I ran back to check on it. I would feel love. The energy filling the kitchen as we set the table and then cleared it. Full bellies. We’d lounge… and laugh. Warm summer nights. Sitting on the large porch. Talking. Loving. We’d decorate for the Holidays and support one-another in our events and accomplishments. I imagined road trips and long talks. This was my life! I seen it. I lived it in my mind. Over and over again. Day after day and night after night. A thousand times. I seen it. I smelled it. I tasted it!

And here I am. No deja vu. The house completely dark all but a single candle. No music. No laughter. No breathing. No little one to check on. To tuck in. Nobody to get ready in the morning to make breakfast for. No husband to crawl in bed and cuddle. Just me. Just me and Capone my lifeline I never once imagined. Life is really something. Can’t tell you the last time I shared a meal with someone. Not once have I shared my dining table with another person in the last three years since moving back. I eat out of takeout boxes and pizza boxes. Cooking makes me cry. Sometimes I play pandora to fill the empty space and after a few songs grow annoyed and turn back to quietness. My candles and incense bring me calm. I talk to myself everyday. Full blown conversations. Most would consider me crazy I’m certain. But, Capone hears me. He understands too. Everyday brings with it a list I can barely digest. Overwhelming to-dos that feel like suffocation. I can barely breathe. I can’t keep up. I juggle and fall and cry. Then get up. I feel stranded. I feel stuck. I feel fucked. I hush myself to sleep. Toss and turn. It’s so hard to stay asleep.

Good morning. Slept late. Later than I should have. A struggle of mine. A night owl at heart. Living in a silent house makes it difficult to get up some days more than others. Today is Sunday. I truly believe a Sunday well spent brings a week of content. I need a week off so bad. No phone. No contact. No internet. No appointments. The whole universe is telling me; this is what I need. When will I listen? When will it be forced? Why can’t I just tell people/clients NO. My schedule is booked solid. Between work, family, weddings, birthdays, and more work. I just want a me moment.

I woke up today laid there in bed. Deep in thought. Daydreaming about coffee. I said to myself… You are BOLD. But, it’s time to become BOLDER. It’s time to advance. One of my favorite secret moments is when my GPS is directing me someplace and then she magically says “you’ve arrived” I LOVE THOSE WORDS. I say to myself… Hold Card. Yes, darling you are on your way. Soon you shall do just that. Arrive. I know in my humbled heart I have not arrived on the level of which I so desire. The destination is close. The journey is in process.

Anyway, as you can see I suffer heavily from ADD. What I was saying to myself this morning was. I must not be afraid to be BOLD. Fortunate favors it. If I don’t want to do something. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. If everyone wants to eat somewhere that I do not. Garbage I don’t want to ingest into my temple. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. I don’t have to participate. I am a true leader. And true leaders do not create followers they create more leaders.