Q♥ Why did I start this blog?
A♥ This is a way for me to stay true to myself while confronting my situation•life head on with the support of the world and guidance from God. I will play this hand I’ve been dealt. I will not fold my hand. I am ALL IN. My prayer is that my most personal memoirs can in somehow someway warm your heart and bring a smile to your face today.
Twelve years later…
An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.
For some reason… 
I’m making it very hard for you to love me. What all am I doing so wrong? Shall we make a list of all the wrongs you see in me? What keeps you from connecting your eyes with mine? Is it our limited time? I know I’m all over the place. Shaking our foundation like an unexpected sink hole in our soul. I’m so sorry to bring you added pressures. Added pains. It’s never intentional. My love levels never questionable. I lost myself in you. Beautiful beautifully you. Faded in your eyes? Just wanna be your girl.. and you my guy. What happened to us? Are we going to make it through? The constant bantering left me all bruised. So long life’s been on cruise – control so hard to let go. Holding on to every memory, last word in sync syllable for syllable. Come back to me. There’s enough in me to fight for you. If you need to lay it all out for me I’ll listen again. I’m strung out on love and your coldness has stung me intravenously in my soul. Grab the jumper cables. Enlighten me. Energize me. Don’t let me go. It’s a really bumpy part in our ever-changing windy winding road. We have been on this journey with one another constantly doubting and questioning each other. Please stop asking me for my plan. Make one with me. I’m not letting go. You belong to me. Your not going anywhere. Your stuck you see. Surrender completely to me and just… love… me. Unconditionally today and always…
Balance. Breathe. I will end up stretching myself completely thin. I’m currently living in the worlds most stretchiest skin. I have yet to witness.. an analogy.. true reality. Double jointed matrix inspired back bends. Dipping and dodging stray bullets and telephone lines. Negative thoughts a deadly virus contiguously over taking the weak. My life is not bleak. No hide and seek. I am here. Hide no more. Just guarded most always unwilling to open the door. For its shut for a reason. Realizing the season of summer is now. Even with this sunshine in sky I do not have energy from much-needed vitamin D to look you in your eyes. You’ll leave me exasperated back to square one picking myself up again off the floor. Loneliness is planning its take over.
Jail-Cops-DUI-No goodbye… Understand??? How could I? Corrupt rookie cops, in search of overtime. Haters will be haters. A badge their right to passage? Seals their savage fate. Fighting for a cause founded on ignorance and hate. Okay. This is about to get good. Better than Waiting at the gate.!. Pour a drink. Smoke some smoke. Enjoy the free entertainment of our night of hell and terror in the hands of the LAPD. This is better than reality TV! Hearing it straight from my mouth. No producers editing my words out. Truly enforcing my first amendment freedom of speech. You’ll hear from both perspectives. Me as He & Me as Me. It’s been about a month or so… This experience I like to refer to as another test.. has ever more awakened me. Crazily! By the very people tax dollars are taken from to protect me? You see… the only reason I am able to make light of this, Unbelievable LAPD wanna be gladiator intimidatory one-sided fighters.. is this misfortune was actually a miracle in our eyes a true blessing in quite the disguise! This meant to be occurrence just added years to both our lives. Thank you from the Masterminds wife. 
(Me as He) In my heart I know.. another test to force her growth. I watch her heart-break as they take me away. I got a strong bitch so I know she will be okay. I’ll be back in a day which truly translates to roughly -28mths. off this current case. methodically planned out. Dotting all i’s & double-crossing my t’s. The life of a Mastermind.. My hold card held dear her words real. pure. This life has reinforced her. Thickened her skin. A muse of consciousness. Aware & alert. Decoding the signs, Understanding life’s actions accepting reactions, living in stereo with the divine. Balancing life. A Masterminds wife. Yes, I have one bad bitch. She’s not offended by that. Keep listening to her and you will soon learn, if you don’t already. It’s nothing but respect=love.
Memoirs of a Mastermind 
