Growing girl

Growing girl.. I have decided to write directly to you for  a couple of reasons. ≠¹ I love you. ≠² You mean the world to me ≠³ It’s important to me to remind you how loved and extraordinary you are.  I am older and I am wiser. So.. whatever it is that’s on your mind I have most likely already been there and done that and if I haven’t.. (by slim chance). I will always listen. We are all faced with choices in our life. We don’t always choose the right ones. I am not proud of some of my choices. Always, ask yourselfIs this worth it?” Because, You Are worth it. You are a leader. Lead. Never be a follower. You don’t have to be. Your highly intelligent. Strong. Beautiful. “You know who you are.” My expectations from you are out of this world. Because to me, You are the world. I know who you truly are. Trust yourself. Believe in the power of you. Use your magical powers. Always remember where you came from. Who you came from. Don’t be afraid in life. Know you can do and be anything you choose. That’s the beauty. YOU have the power with in yourself to choose. As simple as yes or no is as right or wrong is as narrow or wide is. Be confident with in yourself to say no. You will soon learn that there is nothing (not one thing) more attractive than confidence. Follow or Lead. Always love, Choose to Lead. Your surrounded by an abundance of strength., Use it as your fuel to shine in life. I believe in you. (you know your name) have always been your own unique spirit. You truly are a jewel. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live each moment magically! You will be tested often. Trust yourself. Trust God. I believe you will make the right decisions. Utilize your resources. Accept love. Choose love. Respect love. Pay attention to strong women. Listen to them, watch them, learn from them, grow from them. Ask questions. Never be afraid to reach out or ask for help. A closed mouth does not get fed. Don’t starve yourself out. You don’t have to. Continue to remind yourself; that all anyone can ever tell you is no.

Dance to your own drum. Dream the impossible! You’re a leader. Surround yourself around good people.

Don’t talk about people. Talk about things.

p.s. Be patient. Becoming a young lady is not always easy or fun.Give yourself the time and space to continue to grow into a beautiful Extra ∞ Ordinary young lady God created you to be.

I love you ♥ I believe in you ♥ All my love

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Come out, Come out, Where ever you are..?

Come out, Come out, Where ever you are..? I lay here and think… Where are you really? Under a rock? Behind a tree? Out of orbit? Globe trotting planet Me..? I can see your lost. Written all over your face. My own body I quickly steady to readily embrace. A stare down in the mirror. Focus. Lose focus. No single tear around here. Sobbing. Snotty.  I stare down this lost scared little girl glare. Come back to me. Come back to me. I hear. Spirit broken. Then stolen long ago. Running around here empty. A ghost of a soul. Fear has run almost everyone out. Compassion holds strong. A personally composed love song. The inner workings of me strung ever so gently.. The avenue which God has blessed me with to carry me through. Oh what a quest. The smallest realizations that the physical body is simply my sacred nest. Complicated encoded in another language from a dialect like no other seen before. More advanced than hieroglyphics in stereo. I decoded in minutes time. Me I am my penance. We are in the matrix here and now. Just a matter of opening the right door. Narrow. UN·wide. Wrong way no more. Turn the knob. Just choose a door. Door number one. Door number two. Door number three. A googolplex of doors surrounds me. Fear freezes me. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Time waits for know one. Am I then someone? I open my eyes. Squinting. Everything so bright. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have committed murder in the third degree. My feelings of shame and loss of ego asks that you forgive me so I can move forward purely. Third or first it’s all the same. Cows slaughtered for my selfish fillets. Fear and pain they too feel. A pricey piece of veal. KILL KILL KILL. A deadly virus thought to be a needed program. Administrating the same result. Perpetuated murder. I reek of death. By conscious consumption. I understand pain. It’s taken over me tired with no energy fruit and vegetables. Nuts and beans. Vitamins and weed. Grown from the ground. Reacting to sound. My heartstrings tugged. No murder to take place. Heard it all a thousand times before. Dropping weight. Constant headaches. Discomfort confirms change. Change confirms growth = ↑up (= that much closer to GOD) So, many questions that no longer conform to the standard application carried by most. I upgraded my software, purchased my domain name and switched my host. I don’t want to live lost in my body forever. Haunted by my own ghost. I’m afraid to die in vain. I must open myself to change. Truly figure out a way to sustain for my remainder of time allotted to this short existence of time that shall determine my “true value and worthiness” on judgment day passed onto me for my choices while here in true purgatory every test perfectly placed and designed for etra•ordinary me by Divinity.

Conclusion: Mans best friend if I had to would I eat?

A: NO. Not ever.

Broken system: They refer to as HELP: Psychatrist, Therapist, Psycologist, Counselor, Psychotherapist, Social Worker, Shrink.

Therapy is crazy expensive! With no insurance (like most of us) and even with it’s an anxiety attack all on its own. Continuously checking your watch.. 20 minutes left… have not even told a fraction of your story. Irritated by this shrinks instant comfort in believing they have me so quickly figured out. Jotting notes, referencing their own families and life experiences with particular medications.. Looks of judgments conflict with confusion. Twenty more minutes deducted. Who’s really helping who? When I’m the one paying you..? Bills upon bills continue to weigh me —–down↓ I continue to listen.. Only eleven minutes left.. As I tear out a rubber check. You grab your all you know to do prescription pad… A blank stare. A scribble a scratch. I’ve been down this road before. My hours up. I’m shown the door. So… with all that. My life locked in a strangers concrete office… is not enough. All they got for me, Another bottle of pills that are the true killer of this disease. There the Dr. with the paper certificate on the wall for proof. Sixty minutes later and *POOF* my story shelved for reasons of financial strain. My heart must continue to find away to go on with this magnitude of  wretched pain. So keep your refills for all these pills. I got my own pharmacy. I can diagnose you for free. By just truly listening and my own personal life experiences. A worm hole into your pain intensely fills my veins with your infested DNA. Empathy brings us back. I’ll help you up. Won’t let you crack. God and compassion got your back. Your therapy’s within you. Trust me, Only you can complete you. I agree, “Ron Artest” makes the psychology thing look real good. Championships and happiness. Along way from the hood. Yes, I agree he’s done real good. However, his psychologist’s not going to break his bank. It’s more of a chit chat session. A meditation for what was at stake. A breather of sorts. An extra curricular activity.. something fit in on Thursdays at three… So, you see… know your position. I continue to preach. If your steady counting the minutes, clammy hands and anxiety that it’s almost time to go.. same night, pockets lighter and still having to do your usual pick yourself up off the floor, popping pills  on an empty stomach do to no food do to paying your therapist… with no help from your state insurance that ran out aka never exist-ed in the first place. So you wonder why your filled with rage..? On your way home from your session counting change to see if you can afford a gallon maybe two for your always empty tank. Your past due bills soon await you right behind your front door. Your once sanctuary now imprisonment from bill collectors, census workers, probation officers and nosy neighbors. Checking sofa cushions for any extra change, pockets from winter coats and book pages for that special rainy day. For today’s that day. In order to schedule that next Dr. visit need another hundred and fifty bucks. But then again if I can come up with half. They may be able to squeeze in a phone consultation!!! Oh oops that’s just as soon as they return from there much-needed vacation.

CONCLUSION: See about yourself. (UNLESS) Your Ron Artest and you can have a prearranged paid up weekly chat visit scheduled a year in advance. Still it does not really change… Sign here sign there, In and out and on with your day.

To answer the #1 question I have received the most.

Q Why did I start this blog?

A This is a way for me to stay true to myself while confronting my situationlife head on with the support of the world and guidance from God. I will play this hand I’ve been dealt. I will not fold my hand. I am ALL IN. My prayer is that my most personal memoirs can in somehow someway warm your heart and bring a smile to your face today.

Flow

Twelve years later…

An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing  for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.

Is it our limited time?

For some reason… I’m making it very hard for you to love me. What all am I doing so wrong? Shall we make a list of all the wrongs you see in me? What keeps you from connecting your eyes with mine? Is it our limited time? I know I’m all over the place. Shaking our foundation like an unexpected sink hole in our soul. I’m so sorry to bring you added pressures. Added pains. It’s never intentional.  My love levels never questionable. I lost myself in you. Beautiful beautifully you. Faded in your eyes? Just wanna be your girl.. and you my guy. What happened to us? Are we going to make it through? The constant bantering left me all bruised. So long life’s been on cruise – control so hard to let go. Holding on to every memory, last word in sync syllable for syllable. Come back to me. There’s enough in me to fight for you. If you need to lay it all out for me I’ll listen again. I’m strung out on love and your coldness has stung me intravenously in my soul. Grab the jumper cables. Enlighten me. Energize me. Don’t let me go. It’s a really bumpy part in our ever-changing windy winding road. We have been on this journey with one another constantly doubting and questioning each other. Please stop asking me for my plan. Make one with me. I’m not letting go. You belong to me. Your not going anywhere. Your stuck you see. Surrender completely to me and just… love… me. Unconditionally today and always…

Broken BALANCE Beam

Balance. Breathe. I will end up stretching myself completely thin. I’m currently living in the worlds most stretchiest skin. I have yet to witness.. an analogy.. true reality. Double jointed matrix inspired back bends. Dipping and dodging stray bullets and telephone lines. Negative thoughts a deadly virus contiguously over taking the weak. My life is not bleak. No hide and seek. I am here. Hide no more. Just guarded most always unwilling to open the door. For its shut for a reason. Realizing the season of summer is now. Even with this sunshine in sky I do not have energy from much-needed vitamin D to look you in your eyes. You’ll leave me exasperated back to square one picking myself up again off the floor. Loneliness is planning its take over.