Seasons Greetings

All I want for Christmas.. is YOU! You. You who? You know who.. This Holiday stuff is rough.. Even me, difficult time with my usual bluff.. PUFF.. PUFF…  PUFF away the heaviness and sadness. Away in the manger, drift in the wind. Another day, another hour. My heart, my head same place. Constant movement. Tailspin. Sporadic, constantly obsessing about ALL of it. What, why, where.. How, who, WHY… When? I look to the moon. For it is the same everywhere. Nightlight of ALL sky’s.. I love to watch its nightly changes. Shape-shifting night after night..  Full to crescent effervescently caressing my ♥ and shoulders while calming my chaotic mind. Hello, earthling.. Together again. Could be nearer then then. I miss you.. monsieur.. Back to life. Back to reality.. Has been the true test for me. I’m not doing so well. I’m scattered ALL over. Magnet is dull and having difficulty pulling together. Vigorously sharpening, shaving and shading. May, look as if I’m doing nothing.. But, being so bogged down has of lately had more lows=slow=friction= Updating still processing the mass of information. My everyday life looks like a Five Star vacation. Dream destination. Ocean reefs, Pristine sheets. Never know what side of the bed I may wake up on.. Turbulent winds settled with cotton candy sunsets, †nightly prayers† for understanding and forgiveness.. I  mean I have stumbled, taken many falls.. But, this one takes the cake. This is the finale, grand daddy of them ALL. I need you in my life, I need me back to..  Life has been incredibly dark. There is still light at the end of the tunnel, fractal, funnel, Cake. I get it. I relate.  Growing up has not been a lot of fun.. But, there are days and moments that have made it worth it. There is still fight left,  Insight brightly lit. Lots to live for, many roads, paths, many, many doors. Christmas is about Family. That feeling you get. The bond that even with loss of eyesight.. So, magnetic.. You could never forget. DNA we know so little.. There is however a magnetic pull that holds as ALL together. You know what I mean.. The fragments, magic, feeling of bliss and serenity.. aka FAMILY.

We ALL feed off each other. Some days breathe for each other. That will never stop. So, many things I see that make me think of you.. Endless memories.. That have left me smiling. Unconfused.

So, I ask again. I say it out loud! I scream it!!! From my lungs.. Know that your loved. Missed.. Wanted. Needed. Thought of every second of every day from the miscellaneous fragments of your scattered DNA. I never like the idea of the Holidays being about what you may score. Breaks my heart.. To see people work so hard and sit back and do nothing because we know not what to do.. so we shop, spend money we do not have.. to release our inner demons on gifts we can’t afford. But, then we witness the smile.. We get the look of happiness, that makes ALL worthwhile. I’m reprogramming my thought process..  I no longer want be a Scrooge about the madness of Christmas being just about gifts. Because, that’s not who I am at ALL. I love every part about it. From the  neighborly Holiday cheer, to the peppermint twist in my morning mocha, falling asleep to lit up palm trees and fresh scent of pine.. The little things bring me so much joy. There is gift I place on this page for you.. A piece of my ♥  A part of U Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa! Glory to YOU!

THANKFUL FOR..

Many things to be thankful for. My table remains unset. My special china remains in a dark basement. No reason to send for.. Nobody to set the table for anymore. As you give your Thanks.. on this American holiday. Eyes closed. Hands held. Saying grace. Be thankful for ALL you have. ALL you are. Surrounded by love. Imagine sitting alone. In your home. No delectable smells of comfort. Only you. In awkward discomfort. Life is far from okay. These days have always added stress, uneasiness left feeling incomplete. I’m miserable right now. Sad.. Unsure.. about almost everything. What to cook.. What to eat.. No turkey losing their life for me.. Nope not going to happen. Warm up something in the fridge.. Make some stuffing..? Mac & Cheese.. Just me. Don’t need meat just cause it’s Thanksgiving.. I’m thankful for today. My family and.. even ALL the pain.. Creating change. I do NOT understand. But, it’s almost killed me. Doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Giving me a true near death experience. Grabbing tight to my sisters for strength. Praying they are still there when I awake. I don’t want them to watch me break. I’m supposed to be setting an example. More like an example of what and who not to be. Wish I could close my eyes and wake up the day after Thanksgiving. But, life does not work this way.. So, I ask you.. My friend Please say a prayer for me as you bow your head. Thank you. I Love you.. Please have a blessed Holiday celebration. Amen..*

Holiday HooHaw

Holidays = Instant Anxiety for me. Not quite sure why. Just the way it’s always been. What to wear, where to go, what to bring. Moving fast. Not stopping to breathe in between. Then suddenly a screeching halt. In a sense Holidays stopped for me. I live them through the lives of others eyes. I listen from my bedroom window.. Car doors, Door bells, laughter, drunken shouts. I remain chained in my safe house. I move at a slow pace. In most people’s eyes so much time wasted. They couldn’t handle a taste test of this. Lonely Holiday-Less silent magic. I wait for life to make a move. To choose my current mood. Quiet and that’s okay for most of these made up anyway Holidays.