Breaking point. I lie here at 2:55 am. While the rest of the world is asleep. My insides in painful knots. My nerves and nails completely shot. Unhappiness and pain all around. Life so intense, in surround sound. Yes, my heart is made of glass. Fragile, under strenuous conditions I’m wearing fast. Today my last day of wearing a mask. I’m tired and tired enough to say it aloud. I am only in control of myself. This morning I am making a personal commitment to myself.
“I promise to love me first.”
Love.. as a whole is affecting me in ways only I truly know.. I understand love on a deeper level. I understand what it feels like to fight with ALL my might. I do not have the Midas touch. .
It’s taken me 32 years to “believe” that from this moment forward. I love myself enough to remove myself from anything that causes me heartache or pain. Not because I don’t care. Because, I’ve taken ALL I can bear. No longer accepting misery. To toxic to the air I breathe. The consumption takes over me. Becoming apart of me. Zapping little energy left in me. Spreading like wild-fire to ALL I love. No matter what. I am done. Enough is enough. It is me that I have to begin to love. Because at 3:14 my day is long over.. And it is still difficult to breathe. It is I that must nurse my heart. Wipe my tears. Cut through tension. Dissect the definition of perseverance. No longer running interference. No more. I stand my ground. This is my breaking point. Sound. No more face to face. I have said what I’ve said. Nothing more to say. This is me saving my life. A broken heart piecing it back together part by part. Some of them on back order. Foreign.. I love myself enough to say I’m worth more. Misery, discontent, hellbent. No more.
My best friend. My confidant. What am I going to do with out you? I know I keep asking. Dazed and confused. When I miss you already today.. Is this punishment for labels and greed? The only way God could consciously awaken me? A dagger in my heart. ‡ A red glimpse of caution. An earthquake inside devastates the even still innocent pure inner me my motherboard= operating software supported by you.. So, you see why I continue to ask.. what will I do.. Exposing all cards. every fear, every lie, every spy on their side. Flushed with shards of heart. A shattered soul no doubt. Beats remain. Complete madness. Sick normality confirm insanity. Everything out of my control. Unraveling at the seams. This is more than a bad dream. Hold on tight to every single thread. Spending most of our departing hours in bed. Charging and recharging. Energy renewing life into a shell of a body on the verge of being pronounced “dead”. Heavy. Yes. For “all” involved. A catastrophe what will end in a Masterpiece. Trust in me is what I hear. From every angle. All my angels. Every new step in a direction.., I call change that instantly flips the feeling of fear into defiant pains. Will (← free) be back. Just you wait. These words are just your hors d’oeuvres for what’s in store. Consider yourself cordially invited. An open door.
This is my time to tighten my boots. lace yourself up and stay ready for this hand of your life. Straight. Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card.
I’m letting it out some days by whisper.. I’ll try not to shout. The goals to stay in control. Reacting only with kindness and truth. God is on our side. I feel him now. Yes! A Full House.
Stay continued.. to read and soon listen to real memoirs of a masterminds Hold Card. It has been hard. It will get harder. I refuse to throw in my hand. I will play these cards I’ve been dealt. Like Floyd says I’m a prize-fighter. I’m not fighting for no worthless belt. My words are heartfelt.
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