Sunny outside. Severe anxiety inside. To balance my emotions I close ALL curtains and blinds. Hiding from the light. Balancing myself in darkness I sell myself on the idea.. That I am just fine. Know-one really knows me. Just the idea of what they’ve built me up to be. I may be a little like her.. But, overall more of a stranger dealing with constant paranoia sending warning signs of DANGER. I pass a mirror.. Second glance. Stranger in my house. Distance growing.. Phone ringing. My insides screaming!!! WHAT??? NOW??? WHY….? HOW???
Home-bound loss of control. Steering wheel coated in honey.. leading me wrongly. Control/updating… files. Uninstalling/Miscellaneous energy sucking pop-ups. Everything HUSH HUSH on the down low. ALL trusting the the dark winding road. I got GOD in my passenger seat. I’m never riding solo. Checking handles for open doors.. A cracked window. Just trying to get ahead.. Methodically, logically. Forget ³ steps ahead. At this pace I’ll end up dead. More like ten. I plan to WIN. One step at a time equates to.. too much idle time. An enemy of mine. I need to feel the pains from my hustle, shin splints, migraines. Restless leg syndrome from constant Grinding.. Legal documents binding. Major things happening. Literally designing a Picasso masterpiece from my life lessons of tsunami waves. Personal, mental breakdowns and meltdown. Sending shock-waves ALL the way back to the town. Leveling out to a category three catastrophe.♥I LOVE ME♥ ANYTHING AND ALL AFFILIATED WITH ME. Shine with me.
No more pain. Please God make it go away. Foundation unsteady from ruptured love. God brings me back.. Holds me up..↑ Tips the cup.. Whispers in my ear “Don’t give up.” I got you love. . Suddenly the ocean calms. Rainbow sparkles.. Where did I go so wrong? I snap back to I.. Then hear again.. The past has past. Breathe Let go.. Breathe.. love Daddies here.
The pain shall dissipate.. Believe and wait.
For when the time comes you’ll be the first to know. For now my Dear Daughter, Sit back and watch yourself GROW. Look at yourself. I can vividly see your halo giving you that gorgeous golden glow. Your my daughter. I made you to perfection. This is something you should know. From a Father to a Daughter. I designed you just as you are.
You have downloaded a virus. Uninstall. Quarantine. Do as I say; Listen to me. You have been blessed with a case of consciousness. An abundance of information I see your processing. Unsure what to do with..
I am here holding your hand. Trust me. Next to you is where I stand. Your Father. Your #1 Man. I got this. I make the plan. Together as 1 we make this happen. I see the Masterpiece. It’s YOU. Standing right in front of me. Open your eyes.. My baby.
On my bed I sit and wait for a sign of something great. I pause.. I sighhhhhhh….. Exhale.. (blink a crystal tear from my eye) BREATHE out ALL the old stagnant energy bloodsucking the life out of little tiny me. Ahh… as I invite new life and light into me.
The road turning every which way, through door after door, plane, automobile and train. This journey is meant for walking slowly taking my time. One step at a time. No yellow brick road to follow.. Being a follower you end up swallowed. No bread trail.. to find my way home. For I AM God and God is I. Conscious that an ocean front home does not qualify.. just because of luxurious address. Anxiety and sadness every month the first comes. Home is where I am any moment in time. Home is love. Love has forced me to reevaluate my entire life. Pace my grind. ALL the while keeping my rpm in mind.
Life Line “GOD” I frequently call upon.. My forever unbreakable bond. More intense than a Bond girl. I’m far better than that.. I’m God’s girl. My dependable father.. I love you above ALL others.
Waiting on directions. Ready at ALL times. So, much sadness controlling a vast part of my life. I need you to fix this. I need your help. S.O.S. I wave my flag.. I sit patiently and wait for Dad.. God you are grand. I feel you grab my hand…
I’m open for suggestions.. I was nearly ready for Dr. Drew! But, like “Charlie” says I’m not bipolar I’m bi winning. I’m trusting my intuition. I’m trusting “U”(niverse).
ALL of you. I’m letting you ALL in. I was ALL in when I started this. I’m loyal bitch. A rarity. I get this. If I could have three wishes… I would start with these Mega Millions riches. Enough paper to actually in ALL actuality TRUE reality set some things right. I AM a lotto ticket. I AM the prize.
So, starting with wish #1 I wish I may I wish I might..receive from you < these Mega Million WINNING numbers tonight! I love you.. God Bless and Good night.
Thank you God for waking up today in peace.
Thank you God for my shower with HOT water.
Thank you God for my safety while in the shower; The feeling of knowing I will not be raped. I am safe. I fear not being bombed. THANK YOU GOD I say to “U”..
Thank you God for the comfort of my Mother. Sharing our day together..
Thank you God for my niece’s personality sure to turn any frown upside down.
Thank you God for the blessings of my sisters and brothers.
Thank you God for my legs and allowing me fresh clean air while I walk my Dog to-day in safety and in awe of ALL your beautiful creations.
My internal thank you.. I say in whisper and feel with the passion.. of a Revolutionary Egyptian. Δ
Happy New Year to me and happy is my #2 priority. I want to smile in 2011. I want to crack up laughing over absolutely nothing. I want to kill the world with kindness especially when my attitude is slipping toward anything but kind. I want to love until I overflow and have strength to refill others and naturally reload. I never again want to feel so dark, empty or unsure. This is 2011 I’m sure. I’m ready. let’s go. I’m blessed. I’m lucky. I’m healthier then some and like others have work to be done. I’m ready to start living. Having fun. Cautiously. Just because it’s a New Year my same rules still apply. You see these are encoded in me. No expiration. No maybe after an evaluation. No New Years play dates. I listen as I hear gates.. Open and close. I watch and wait from a quiet distance. Quite contrary in my personal cozy sanctuary. Temp exactly how I like it. 81° panties just enough. I chill out and puff. Happy to have been out of ALL the lost souls madness Back to back police sirens. Not for me. My car remained parked. New Years Eve sparkled from my crystal tears. Meditating on blessings. Thank yous.. Bless you’s.. No guess what and no guess who’s. Drama free. Half full. Control steady. 2010 tried to get the best of me. I left it in the dust. No questions asked. You can keep the reward money. I’m not your honey.. I’m taken. 2011 under siege. A healthy balanced year. Sage removing toxins from the air. Mood consistent. Steady. Energy high. Grinding. Doing mine. Love is my basis. Every choice accounted for. I watch as I try every door.. Open-ed time and time again.. I had an opportunity I was to immature to see. I was just a baby.. My mind calmly decides on the path of our life. I’m ALL in. Ride or hope not die! I choose life!!! FYI
To a magical New Year! First resolution.. LOVE above ALL others.
Thank you for Blessing me with an incredible man. A truly remarkable human being. I am so proud, humbled, grateful and fortunate to share my life with such an amazing person. ←I believe in you ↑ I do. Because, but not only because. “U” niverse) knew exactly what I needed. “U” granted my passage. ALL access. My king, Soul Mate, Daddy, Best-friend, Lover, Husband. One man to fill ALL roles. These are no easy shoes to fill. “U” granted ALL my wishes. Truly listened. Sent me an angel.. To tame the HELL out of your winning mustang race horse. You sent him to me.. to Love him. Learn from him. Ride with him. This is the ride I’m on. 10 years strong. An eternal outer body experience next level bond. Girl I AM YOURS. Mind. ALL mine. However long. Building character, foundation strong. ALL gold. No lead. He is home and I AM E.T. Meant to be.. I just wanted to Thank You My Lord for reuniting us in our physical earth bodies. Madly, Passionately is the love I feel. Overflowing out of the openings in my body. The Trinity. The Holy Grail. I hold my ♥ very carefully as I tear through.. Tread ever so carefully. I love this man. Through you ↑ I know how much he loves me ↔ Adores me. Still gets excited to score with me← Yeah, that’s me. Incredibly magnetic forces of energy. Choices. Made together. We made a deal. A pact. A contract. Plea deal. On my behalf.. Oh Heavenly Father Please help us through. No matter what. We have each other. No more wrong turns. Back alley tire burn.. Marks. √ing out. Closing ALL doors to the outside world. 24hour LOCK DOWN. We share the same moon. He gently gives me a nudge. Not a judgment. But, something more thoughtfully thought of. Mass of energy. Years of listening. Verbal kissing. My answer to any equation. I dream of the day again.. to be in his form again. I so madly miss him. Kissing him. Please promise you’ll bring him back. I believe you will. You sent him once. I believe in “U”. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I’m suffering so.. Empty nest syndrome. My eagles on the fly.. Maybe you can’t physically see him. I have him right here ♥ His third eye always on the prey/prize. I’m ALL IN. Thank you again..
Many things to be thankful for. My table remains unset. My special china remains in a dark basement. No reason to send for.. Nobody to set the table for anymore. As you give your Thanks.. on this American holiday. Eyes closed. Hands held. Saying grace. Be thankful for ALL you have. ALL you are. Surrounded by love. Imagine sitting alone. In your home. No delectable smells of comfort. Only you. In awkward discomfort. Life is far from okay. These days have always added stress, uneasiness left feeling incomplete. I’m miserable right now. Sad.. Unsure.. about almost everything. What to cook.. What to eat.. No turkey losing their life for me.. Nope not going to happen. Warm up something in the fridge.. Make some stuffing..? Mac & Cheese.. Just me. Don’t need meat just cause it’s Thanksgiving.. I’m thankful for today. My family and.. even ALL the pain.. Creating change. I do NOT understand. But, it’s almost killed me. Doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Giving me a true near death experience. Grabbing tight to my sisters for strength. Praying they are still there when I awake. I don’t want them to watch me break. I’m supposed to be setting an example. More like an example of what and who not to be. Wish I could close my eyes and wake up the day after Thanksgiving. But, life does not work this way.. So, I ask you.. My friend Please say a prayer for me as you bow your head. Thank you. I Love you.. Please have a blessed Holiday celebration. Amen..*