Just Existing..

Wow.. Lonely. Pain. Heartache. The rain.. Never stops. Catching myself constantly watching the clock.. Tick toc. Tick toc..
An ice house. Icing myself out. How much can I stand? When will I make my stand?
Time waits for none. That’s what they say.. But, I believe it stops for some. Literally in its tracks. Long enough to catch a breath. Long enough for the rest of life to catch up. I believe in miracles. Unicorns and pots of gold.
I keep my faith. I care about life. I care less about saving face. I’m one of Gods favorite children. I am not shallow. I’m not a disgrace. My waters run deep. Ripe and pure. I’m tested daily. This I know for sure.

Decide to walk it out. My insides screaming from this hell. Nobody knows me well enough. Not really at ALL. I sit in a loud room. Despair and confusion line my loved ones faces. No room for personal space. I need not be alone. I hate the telephone. I yearn for new beginnings.. I yearn for somebody to listen. But, a soul could never understand what I’m really saying.. What lies behind my glossy eyes. Decipher my tears. Or uncode my lies. Not white. Not black. I blink a hard tear back. A lies a lie. Defined by hate. This is not who I am. A Toxic cancer. I need a fucking answer! I need.. a miracle. Mentally whipped. I feel my heart skip. Anxiety requiring a heavy dose of xanax.

Sirens equivalent to a childs desperate cry. I stop asking God why. I pray for forgiveness, courage and strength.

I never hurt nobody. Railroaded a single soul. I pray for a wormhole, fractal, door to walk through. I remove my hat respectfully. I sit in prayer.. Me and a priest. Silently. Silent. Speaking in volumes. I mean it. I need it. My priorities don’t involve fun. But, they are most sincere.

Shear fear.. Panic sets in. I’m scared of heights. This bridge quite narrow. In the distance I see captain jack sparrow.. I hold my gaze. I silently pray..
God of Gods I need you ALL.
I listen for direction. In fear of rejection or the dominoes falling down.. I move at the speed of sound. Blindfolded. On shaky ground. Held hostage. Shaking my head at this game called”life”

FAITH

Pyramid kisses.. Late night wishes dropped deep into a well.
Missing you like crazy. Living in a living hell. What dreams become.. Praying for a miracle from the Gods above.

Please Lord won’t you save me.. Bless my families broken heart of hearts. We can get through anything. But, ALL this is tearing us apart. I sit.. Still as still can be. Praying, breathing, praying for just about anything. Surround me with your angels every single one. I need you now. My prayer is real. Sincere. Most profound.
I show the world a pearly smile. Yet live the life of a frown.. Depression. Discretion.. It’s “u” I’m missing.. Please come back to me..

MASTERPIECE = ME

Sunny outside. Severe anxiety inside. To balance my emotions I close ALL curtains and blinds. Hiding from the light. Balancing myself in darkness I sell myself on the idea.. That I am just fine. Know-one really knows me. Just the idea of what they’ve built me up to be. I may be a little like her.. But, overall more of a stranger dealing with constant paranoia sending warning signs of DANGER. I pass a mirror.. Second glance. Stranger in my house. Distance growing.. Phone ringing. My insides screaming!!! WHAT??? NOW??? WHY….? HOW???

Home-bound loss of control. Steering wheel coated in honey.. leading me wrongly. Control/updating… files. Uninstalling/Miscellaneous energy sucking pop-ups. Everything HUSH HUSH on the down low.  ALL trusting the the dark winding road. I got GOD in my passenger seat. I’m never riding solo. Checking handles for open doors.. A cracked window. Just trying to get ahead.. Methodically, logically. Forget ³ steps ahead. At this pace I’ll end up dead. More like ten. I plan to WIN. One step at a time equates to.. too much idle time. An enemy of mine. I need to feel the pains from my hustle, shin splints, migraines. Restless leg syndrome from constant Grinding.. Legal documents binding. Major things happening. Literally designing a Picasso masterpiece from my life lessons of tsunami waves. Personal, mental breakdowns and meltdown. Sending shock-waves ALL the way back to the town. Leveling out to a category three catastrophe.♥I LOVE ME♥ ANYTHING AND ALL AFFILIATED WITH ME. Shine with me.

No more painPlease God make it go away. Foundation unsteady from ruptured love. God brings me back.. Holds me up..↑ Tips the cup.. Whispers in my ear “Don’t give up.” I got you love. . Suddenly the ocean calms. Rainbow sparkles.. Where did I go so wrong? I snap back to I.. Then hear again.. The past has past. Breathe Let go.. Breathe.. love Daddies here.

The pain shall dissipate.. Believe and wait.

For when the time comes you’ll be the first to know. For now my Dear Daughter, Sit back and watch yourself GROW. Look at yourself. I can vividly see your halo giving you that gorgeous golden glow. Your my daughter. I made you to perfection. This is something you should know. From a Father to a Daughter. I designed you just as you are.

You have downloaded a virus. Uninstall. Quarantine. Do as I say; Listen to me. You have been blessed with a case of consciousness. An abundance of information I see your processing. Unsure what to do with..

I am here holding your hand. Trust me. Next to you is where I stand. Your Father. Your #1 Man. I got this. I make the plan. Together as 1 we make this happen. I see the Masterpiece. It’s YOU. Standing right in front of me. Open your eyes.. My baby.

Manifest..ing a healthier life for me..

On my bed I sit and wait for a sign of something great. I pause.. I sighhhhhhh….. Exhale.. (blink a crystal tear from my eye) BREATHE out ALL the old stagnant energy bloodsucking the life out of little tiny me. Ahh… as I invite new life and light into me.

The road turning every which way, through door after door, plane, automobile and train. This journey is meant for walking slowly taking my time.  One step at a time. No yellow brick road to follow.. Being a follower you end up swallowed. No bread trail.. to find my way home. For I AM God and God is I. Conscious that an ocean front home does not qualify.. just because of luxurious address. Anxiety and sadness every month the first comes.  Home is where  I am any moment in time. Home is love. Love has forced me to reevaluate my entire life. Pace my grind. ALL the while keeping my rpm in mind.

Life Line “GOD” I frequently call upon.. My forever unbreakable bond. More intense than a Bond girl. I’m far better than that.. I’m God’s girl. My dependable father.. I love you above ALL others.

Waiting on directions. Ready at ALL times. So, much sadness controlling a vast part of my life. I need you to fix this. I need your help. S.O.S. I wave my flag.. I sit patiently and wait for Dad.. God you are grand. I feel you grab my hand…

I’m open for suggestions.. I was nearly ready for Dr. Drew! But, like “Charlie” says I’m not bipolar I’m bi winning.  I’m trusting my intuition. I’m trusting “U”(niverse).

ALL of you. I’m letting you ALL in. I was ALL in when I started this. I’m loyal bitch. A rarity. I get this. If I could have three wishes… I would start with these Mega Millions riches. Enough paper to actually in ALL actuality TRUE reality set some things right. I AM a lotto ticket. I AM the prize. WINNER

So, starting with wish #1 I wish I may I wish I might..receive from you < these Mega Million WINNING numbers tonight! I love you.. God Bless and Good night.