Merry Christmas to me..

Merry Christmas to me.. I refuse to let myself give up. First Christmas Eve ALL alone. Completely. I hear music and laughter from my window. The sacrifices one chooses.. I wish I could hear the pitter patter of tiny feet trying to sneak a peek.. But, that’s okay. You never know. I still have some eggs.. Maybe one day. I’m grateful for many things too. It could be so much worse.. I guess. I tell myself. I know it could. But, right now is.. pretty. quiet.

No Holiday Music, Parties or house-guests.  I’m in another state. Of mind. Hustling, Grinding.. Eye on Fortune Five Hundred.. No more Holidays separate. This is pure madness. Sadness. Craziness. I’m not on a rant. I just want my life back. I miss my Mother.. I miss nieces.. My sisters.. My nephew.. My brothers. It changes your whole view on life. When you have too much time to think. So, much on your mind.. I could be out sharing cocktails.. But, my spirit would not be genuine. So, I will sit here alone. In thought. Dissecting until an answer appears. I will live my life day by day. Blocking out fear. I know I have been down. Let down by members in my crew.. I got you. No problem! We got you.. It’s okay. Really now I see I clearer. Family. No family. Yeah, I see “YOU”. Now, really who’s got who..? I cut off tainted energy. Christmas Day or Valentines your inner demons will not shake me and mine. My true family and friends know very well I am not speaking of them. Oh what would I do with out there love and support.. I am forever grateful and Love you with ALL my heart!

My husband will be back. His hand will be placed in mine. We will continue our journey.. He is the one I am supposed to be with on this ride.  So, I sit here. Sitting back. Listening. Thinking.. I got his back and he has mine. Does not take away the loneliness, empty space next to me in bed or helping to ease my restless nights. I love him so. The emotions will ease and some where somehow I will find inner peace. Together again.. Sooner than later.. I can’t think straight. It’s a little after midnight.. Merry Christmas to ALL of you. I hope your day is magical and I pray somewhere I find some JOY in mine=mind too. God Bless and Good Night to You..

An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… why?

Pouring down rain. Flooded in pain.. Attempting to let things go.. The more I try to forget.. I find myself drowning in a puddle.. back again in the middle of a hell storm. When I say it’s coming down. It’s pounding pound for pound. One minute I’m up, next I’m down.. Here we go again round in round. I’m all wound up. Yet, losing juice fast. I’m tired of ALL this shit. Ready to roll. Tired of fallin-IN. Boy, what does one do? This is quite the predicament and I sure as hell am more than frustrated. No fancy codes, dialects or encryption to break through.. I’ve felt a lot of things. Emotional experiences have tested me on every single level. Where I am right now. Looks completely dark. I no longer see or feel my shadow. You would have no clue as to who I am. A ghostly shadow.. overcrowded and lonely as ever.. I’m spinning fast. A top on glass.. How long is ALL of this drama going to last? Raw. Real. Guts exposed. Weakend steal.  Yeah, I know this is not happy or positive.. I’m sorry for getting ALL heavy with ALL of this. But, right now this is how I feel. Broken, sad and lonely as hell. Breakdown number one million. Before I get to forty.. Maybe, I’ll get to a trillion. I need me back. My heart is racing. My feet are pacing. Anxiety pills in combination. Too high-strung for current meditation. My heart is breaking. Is anyone out there? I pause to wipe my tear. A moment of silence for what I feel. I have a hell of a story. I feel no joy. I feel no glory. I need a change. Something fueled by love. No involvement with negativity, dramatics and pain. I need a change. I need some help. I need a friend. I need myself.. This too shall pass.. Hold Card it’s just the Holidays.. I gently remind myself. It’s your first year around.. ALL alone. No movement. No sound. What am I celebrating? Why do I care.. I do.. I don’t.. Just one of these nights. An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… Why?

Seasons Greetings

All I want for Christmas.. is YOU! You. You who? You know who.. This Holiday stuff is rough.. Even me, difficult time with my usual bluff.. PUFF.. PUFF…  PUFF away the heaviness and sadness. Away in the manger, drift in the wind. Another day, another hour. My heart, my head same place. Constant movement. Tailspin. Sporadic, constantly obsessing about ALL of it. What, why, where.. How, who, WHY… When? I look to the moon. For it is the same everywhere. Nightlight of ALL sky’s.. I love to watch its nightly changes. Shape-shifting night after night..  Full to crescent effervescently caressing my ♥ and shoulders while calming my chaotic mind. Hello, earthling.. Together again. Could be nearer then then. I miss you.. monsieur.. Back to life. Back to reality.. Has been the true test for me. I’m not doing so well. I’m scattered ALL over. Magnet is dull and having difficulty pulling together. Vigorously sharpening, shaving and shading. May, look as if I’m doing nothing.. But, being so bogged down has of lately had more lows=slow=friction= Updating still processing the mass of information. My everyday life looks like a Five Star vacation. Dream destination. Ocean reefs, Pristine sheets. Never know what side of the bed I may wake up on.. Turbulent winds settled with cotton candy sunsets, †nightly prayers† for understanding and forgiveness.. I  mean I have stumbled, taken many falls.. But, this one takes the cake. This is the finale, grand daddy of them ALL. I need you in my life, I need me back to..  Life has been incredibly dark. There is still light at the end of the tunnel, fractal, funnel, Cake. I get it. I relate.  Growing up has not been a lot of fun.. But, there are days and moments that have made it worth it. There is still fight left,  Insight brightly lit. Lots to live for, many roads, paths, many, many doors. Christmas is about Family. That feeling you get. The bond that even with loss of eyesight.. So, magnetic.. You could never forget. DNA we know so little.. There is however a magnetic pull that holds as ALL together. You know what I mean.. The fragments, magic, feeling of bliss and serenity.. aka FAMILY.

We ALL feed off each other. Some days breathe for each other. That will never stop. So, many things I see that make me think of you.. Endless memories.. That have left me smiling. Unconfused.

So, I ask again. I say it out loud! I scream it!!! From my lungs.. Know that your loved. Missed.. Wanted. Needed. Thought of every second of every day from the miscellaneous fragments of your scattered DNA. I never like the idea of the Holidays being about what you may score. Breaks my heart.. To see people work so hard and sit back and do nothing because we know not what to do.. so we shop, spend money we do not have.. to release our inner demons on gifts we can’t afford. But, then we witness the smile.. We get the look of happiness, that makes ALL worthwhile. I’m reprogramming my thought process..  I no longer want be a Scrooge about the madness of Christmas being just about gifts. Because, that’s not who I am at ALL. I love every part about it. From the  neighborly Holiday cheer, to the peppermint twist in my morning mocha, falling asleep to lit up palm trees and fresh scent of pine.. The little things bring me so much joy. There is gift I place on this page for you.. A piece of my ♥  A part of U Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa! Glory to YOU!

Gift of family

The gift of family. How are you chosen? Or.. were they? Curious how we ALL end up together. Blessed oh yes I AM. Sharing our hearts, enveloped and intertwined by the divine. A family bond continues to gain strength even within our darkest hours. God holds the power and guides us through-heartbreaking affairs that turn our insides black, purple & blue. Heads held high. In need of motivation. Look to the sky. Comfort in knowing.. I’ll see you again. So many questions??? So, many whys..? So, many insecurities.. So many tear-drops dropped from so many eyes.. This ALL must stop. For some time now.. I’ve been living on the edge. Staring down the drop. Daring myself one minute to jump and begging myself and God for me to.. NOT. I absolutely can not. I absolutely (free) will not. This madness. Crazed craziness must come to a halt. Right now. No doubts. I’ve passed the tests; while at my bottom. Unrecognizably shattered and done with broken promises of what should have been. My tests are done and my “true” family passed every one of them. I know who is in my corner. I know where I can pull strength from. I know from what areas to stay clear. Not in fear of being shunned. But,  where I could take this conversation. Which I already have. Hurt me. Made me teary eyed.. Still so sad. Skeletons out. My closets cleaned and uncluttered. My words were my memories. Raw emotion. Heartfelt. The damage was done. There was no liability. Now, I have full coverage with ALL the extras. My heart is mending. I will not suffer in past miseries. Everything is out. Not my intention to crush feelings.  In my astronomical black hole masked and filled. A hover craft covering my heart and soul. Heart mass producing at nano speeds 98% hold on me. I was near death. I’m no longer looking back. Don’t even want to talk about it.. That was then. This is now. The pasts the past. But, did you really believe you were going to receive an ALL access pass?  Of judgment why yes you did. You shall answer to God. As I was just a kid. Just about over “you(s)” the ones whom must continue living with what you did. No more dark alleys for me, lights are on. Heavy surveillance LED. Watching you. Watching me. Look inside you to understand what went wrong.. It’s not too late. Make a therapy date. For I forgive. Forgets a work in progress..