Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.
to function or not to function. is that the question?
my Grandfather would not only want me to function. but, persevere and LIVE boldly, simply, humbly with love through love. he surrounds me at this very moment. will forever be a part of me. energizing me. pushing me. fueling me through love. my strength, my heart, my universe. my Grandpa. aka my father, my provider, my confidant, my King. a true supreme being. dignified with truth blue eyes. an extraordinary magnificent human being. whom is already so missed. now in the heavens living eternal bliss. i shall never forget his last breath. my last kiss laid upon his tender cheek. day and night by his side a mountain climbed so very steep. glossy eyes. starry skies. the brightest star lights up the sky. shining through my soul and out my eyes. radiating a glow from my perfectly placed golden halo. to know or not know is not a question. not for me.
he meant what he said and said what he means. he walked the path. never followed. always lead. listening to me. guiding me. unconditionally loving me. never, not ever judging me. what i know for sure is that my Grandpa loved me. adored me. believed in me. he still does. always will. through his peace. he fills me up with strength, calmness and serenity.
forever and always, may you rest in peace. i love you Grandpa. your brown-eyed girl.
Need to start writing again.. My end of the evening cleanse. Like journaling.. writing to ALL of you is a true form of therapy. Venting. Breathing through my pen. Letting you in.. Instead of just expecting you to understand.. why it’s taken me so long to come back.. Reflecting on my most intimate moments. Refueling your love. I miss your comments.. Must keep this blog running. Solid. No cracks. So, you ALL continue to show love and have a reason to check back. Check on me.. No more holding back.. No matter how HEAVY life continues to get.. I shall never forget. ALL the love. ALL the support. ALL the feedback. Reminders. Fuel for court. I have shut down again in a sense. Moving ultra fast. Different location. Everyday new destinations. Attempting to fit as much as each new day allows. No longer stopping long enough to write about what happens on my journey of my daily prowl.. Becoming as direct as Simon Cowell. I blot my forehead after HOT yoga with a downy softened towel. Stopping to write means forcing myself to rethink , relive, re-breathe the pain I just exhaled. Moving onto the next obstacle, next step keeping my stamina for what I know is coming next…
I close my eyes in hopes to forget. Push aside. No more puff puff pass.. to subside the anxiety lurking inside. If I stop to
explain I mean say.. anything about any I mean ALL of it.. I may just possibly sink quicksand deep. With no coming back. Because……………………….. I’m tired. I truly am. I arrived here.. to what feels like a whole new planet.. Instantly to massive wait. I came ready for battle. As if I were conditioning for Kuwait. BAM, BOMB, HATE, FATE, State of disaster, Fast. FasT, FASTER! One thing after another. CONFLICT. Mishaps. Compiling. Merging disasters! Passing by mirrors. I don’t recognize this girl. Only reacting to smoke signals. Everything most important. Love potent. Directing me. Through feeling, desire, GOD. Time moving FAST. No moment appears to last. Replaced by Rage. Igniting to flames carried along in the wind. Love conflicted with Sin. Stretched…. ALL the way out. THIN. In weight as in wealth. Gaining richness as in health. I bide my time. Needed. De-pleated. Sucked empty. Manuka honey. I find very little funny. Serious as I want to be. I AM energy. Resourcefulness enough to lighten up a mood. Brighten up a room. Flip you like a light-switch your attitude. Smiling with sincere gratitude. Blessed, Happiness, Luck, Joy I exude when I AM ON. off I shut down when I am alone. Calming my inner soul. I speak to my Grandpa with such.. clarity. Crisp clear words flow from my lips. I practice patience where he lives. I am forced to slow down . Becoming.. gentle. Docile with a fiery inner strength. I choose my words with great care. I do not curse. I feel blessed beyond words to have this time. As time is limited. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime and into the next. I keep my telephone near. To hear the calls I anticipate daily. My daily bread. Lifelines. Hanging up recharged. In bed at night I say my prayers. No-longer picking up my pen. Feeling power in my prayers. My God. Granting my desires. Forgiving my sins. Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM.
Breaking point. I lie here at 2:55 am. While the rest of the world is asleep. My insides in painful knots. My nerves and nails completely shot. Unhappiness and pain all around. Life so intense, in surround sound. Yes, my heart is made of glass. Fragile, under strenuous conditions I’m wearing fast. Today my last day of wearing a mask. I’m tired and tired enough to say it aloud. I am only in control of myself. This morning I am making a personal commitment to myself.
“I promise to love me first.”
Love.. as a whole is affecting me in ways only I truly know.. I understand love on a deeper level. I understand what it feels like to fight with ALL my might. I do not have the Midas touch. .
It’s taken me 32 years to “believe” that from this moment forward. I love myself enough to remove myself from anything that causes me heartache or pain. Not because I don’t care. Because, I’ve taken ALL I can bear. No longer accepting misery. To toxic to the air I breathe. The consumption takes over me. Becoming apart of me. Zapping little energy left in me. Spreading like wild-fire to ALL I love. No matter what. I am done. Enough is enough. It is me that I have to begin to love. Because at 3:14 my day is long over.. And it is still difficult to breathe. It is I that must nurse my heart. Wipe my tears. Cut through tension. Dissect the definition of perseverance. No longer running interference. No more. I stand my ground. This is my breaking point. Sound. No more face to face. I have said what I’ve said. Nothing more to say. This is me saving my life. A broken heart piecing it back together part by part. Some of them on back order. Foreign.. I love myself enough to say I’m worth more. Misery, discontent, hellbent. No more.
Who you are to me.
The air I breathe. My eternity. My king.
Having some bad days.. Watching myself.. age, hair gray.. Feeling myself growing older with you. Wiser. Committed. I have fully submitted.
Strong. A forever bond. Friends laced with passion. Have your back. No matter how high the stack. I’m ALL in. Over a decade. Headaches to koolaid smiles. ALL worth while. I dig your style. Sexy profile. Trade me in… Sinful thought. At 32 I’m your queen jewel.
Always be a crazy, sexy, cool girl.. Do anything for you boy. Just the thought of you. Brings me tremendous joy. We gotta puppy together.. Still feels like puppy love. Sweet as a chocolate dove bar.. Ride you like I ride copilot in your shiny car. Your little mama. Love you like.. a fat kid loves cake. I’ll do it ALL for you. I’ll do whatever it takes. Don’t make me wait.. Adore me forever. Like a proud father. Smother me with love like you’re starving. I want a bite. I’m nice and tight. Ripe and right. Let’s have a pillow fight.. I’m yours. Your mine. ALL real. ALL genuine. Mine ALL mind. In do time.. Sweet dreams. See you in the cosmos at exactly 11:33
I wish you.. Could hold me right now. Rock me to sleep.. Rub my head.. Whisper in my ear.. Tell me you love me.. Show me you love me..
I wish.. I could wake up tomorrow morning to your eggs.. Sliced tomatoes.. A couple of grapes.. I miss you. I wish we could lay side by side perfectly fitting.. Your face in my neck..
Ignoring ALL calls.. Breathing each other in. I yearn for your touch..
I wish I could do my eyes.. To match what I wear.. And hear.. You say you liked how I did them. And ask you to wear something to match me and you do.. I wish.. We could eat each other for lunch and have an ultra late dinner because we don’t want to let each other go.. I’m in love with you. I need “u” in my heart..
Do I care if I die..? Really..
I find myself asking myself this ALL the more often.
Most days.. I don’t think I do.
Most days.. I’m so beyond tired. I feel ready. Like hurry up won’t you already!
Heavy heart. Emotions tearing my insides apart. How much more I continue to wonder while I wander can this body take?
I watch myself deteriorate. Broken. I can never be fully repaired. These are more than war wounds. These are raw wounds of despair.
I look around for someone to grab hold to.. I quickly realize it’s only I on this ride. I circle and circle, up, down loop around. It’s quite a vicious cycle.
To the point of no return forces me to want to quickly recycle my carbon body and articles of doom. I look everyone in their eyes. I look deeply. Fascinated by ALL they hide.
I read them. I write them.
I relate. I look to life, late.
Is it fate?
Would you care? Do you? What would you do to get through?
Have you? I ask..
A lifeline perhaps?