Wrenching. Stench of terror. Despair. Scorned. Violently awake. Shaken. Shook. Crooked. Steep creep. Can’t. Won’t. Refusal. Refute. Futile. Denial. Cry. Pain. Shame. Infamous. STRESS. West. Longing for a bullet in the chest. Peace. Serene. Rest. Left.. Question.. Everyone. I’m the crazy one. Emotionally challenged. A beautiful wreck. With an elegant neck. Train wreck. Expectations.. Exasperated. Breathing on a ventilator. Unbalanced equator. Abuse. Used too. Abuser: Self made. Hatred. Shapeless. Darkness. Cartwheels in a past life. Distant eyes.. Lifeless. Shouted out. Permanent pout. Dazed. Unconfused. Forever bruised. Deep purple, cobalt blue. True. Real. Raw. Tell me have you seen her..? A fragment of what’s left of her.. Being.. Cream.. Dream… of that girl.. I used to know. Pure like winter snow. Darkened by contaminated guilt.. Spilled milk. Crowd control. Floored. In the corner. Holding my knees. Daggered. Watch my heart bleed Out. Crouching tiger. Hidden dragon. Drip drop. Tick tock.. Stop watch. Gods clock. Road block. Violation. Destination.. Space station.. Ready for take off.
Is this ALL a lesson to see what I’m made of? Crumbling. Numbing.. Mind blowing.
This has always been an issue. Who? Where? What? Why? My whole life felt by tinges of pain from loneliness. When you have nothing in common with anyone then what? When conversations go in one ear and out the other.. then what? What if you just don’t fit in? I could change who I am by.. interjecting, participating or initiating contact. I then ask myself; Why? Why do I care? Because, in a sense I do. I was programmed to believe I do. Do I? I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. I’m just someplace else. A place very few are. A place many will never reach. A place some care not to reach. I have worked very hard to get here. I have no intention on leaving. (((((This is a place of consciousness.))))) You see, I care about so much. In an extra heavy heartbreaking way. What I don’t care about is drama, negativity, gossip and the latest who-rah. I have always been an old soul on top of growing up extra way to fast. Not many words make an impression on me. Actions so far and few in-between. This is just more time and space for me to get to know me. I refuse to lower my standards. In saying that I am no better than You or You or You. Monetary fulfillment of company to fill open space and silence. Does not last long enough. Everyone is long gone. I sit alone. Systems now haywire and out of space I am. A costly fix and upgrade. Things will be just fine. My own best friend. In need of absolutely no one. My kindness taken for weakness has happened time and time again. Even though I find myself sad. I’m full of love and kind is who I am. I’m back I’ll say again. Conscious of matter dark and light.
*Right now I’m not focused on anything about you. I’m busy brightening my own light. My life just as important. I value my alone time. On another level. To me the rest of the world asleep, disheveled. In months to come life will be completely different. What I’ll be doing. Where I’ll be. Only then will a few select individuals have tabs on me. My flights departing. I checked no baggage. I fly for free. Mastermind. My carry-on (long time companion) and long-long journey await me. Resting up. Yes. It gets rather lonely. It would be nice to have a friend to chat to.. One I could really trust, who really knows me. I need no friends. I need no one. Once again. I have me and I’m sufficient enough for little old me. I can make myself laugh and not at the cost of an others mercy. I can open my own doors and wine. I can make my own toast to happiness and health and lite. I pray to God to surround me with extra angels to fill the empty space in the room. I spend my days and nights alone. I’ve been blessed with an extraordinary amount of time for growth. Others may one day catch up or not. My whole life has been very much alone. You may think well that’s the sheer beauty of technology and the telephone! Only in my case.. The phone rings and anxiety sets in. Because it’s not just us. This is the government’s idea of justice. Tapped lines. Listening in. Play back after play back. Thousands of hours later. They really think they know you then. With every inflection. Every personal disappointment documented. Played back to whom ever at their discretion. So, I unplug the line. Get back to that feeling of feeling fine. Cleanse my mind. From feelings of anger and frustration from federal violation after violation. “My monies on me; Give me a year.” I say to myself. This current life of mine shall be shelved. You probably wont know. I can only imagine where I’ll be. How much more I’ll have grown. A blossoming flower. Extremely unique. Value unknown. The presence of love. Potent. Overwhelming in every way. Intricately detailed in every possible way. I fit in right where I am. I’m in love with myself and if I say it enough one day it will really sink in. Tonight’s about filling the sink hole in my heart. It was me who moved away. Distance has opened my eyes. I am your girl. Your mine all mine. In my thoughts.. Preparing dinner alone. I light the house with candles. God is with me. The weight is lifting. He will not give me more than I can handle. I am in control of myself and in my lane. Say a prayer. Pop a pill to ease these anxious pains.
LESSON: I AM. I CAN. I HAVE. I WILL. (mantra)