This has always been an issue. Who? Where? What? Why? My whole life felt by tinges of pain from loneliness. When you have nothing in common with anyone then what? When conversations go in one ear and out the other.. then what? What if you just don’t fit in? I could change who I am by.. interjecting, participating or initiating contact. I then ask myself; Why? Why do I care? Because, in a sense I do. I was programmed to believe I do. Do I? I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. I’m just someplace else. A place very few are. A place many will never reach. A place some care not to reach. I have worked very hard to get here. I have no intention on leaving. (((((This is a place of consciousness.))))) You see, I care about so much. In an extra heavy heartbreaking way. What I don’t care about is drama, negativity, gossip and the latest who-rah. I have always been an old soul on top of growing up extra way to fast. Not many words make an impression on me. Actions so far and few in-between. This is just more time and space for me to get to know me. I refuse to lower my standards. In saying that I am no better than You or You or You. Monetary fulfillment of company to fill open space and silence. Does not last long enough. Everyone is long gone. I sit alone. Systems now haywire and out of space I am. A costly fix and upgrade. Things will be just fine. My own best friend. In need of absolutely no one. My kindness taken for weakness has happened time and time again. Even though I find myself sad. I’m full of love and kind is who I am. I’m back I’ll say again. Conscious of matter dark and light.
*Right now I’m not focused on anything about you. I’m busy brightening my own light. My life just as important. I value my alone time. On another level. To me the rest of the world asleep, disheveled. In months to come life will be completely different. What I’ll be doing. Where I’ll be. Only then will a few select individuals have tabs on me. My flights departing. I checked no baggage. I fly for free. Mastermind. My carry-on (long time companion) and long-long journey await me. Resting up. Yes. It gets rather lonely. It would be nice to have a friend to chat to.. One I could really trust, who really knows me. I need no friends. I need no one. Once again. I have me and I’m sufficient enough for little old me. I can make myself laugh and not at the cost of an others mercy. I can open my own doors and wine. I can make my own toast to happiness and health and lite. I pray to God to surround me with extra angels to fill the empty space in the room. I spend my days and nights alone. I’ve been blessed with an extraordinary amount of time for growth. Others may one day catch up or not. My whole life has been very much alone. You may think well that’s the sheer beauty of technology and the telephone! Only in my case.. The phone rings and anxiety sets in. Because it’s not just us. This is the government’s idea of justice. Tapped lines. Listening in. Play back after play back. Thousands of hours later. They really think they know you then. With every inflection. Every personal disappointment documented. Played back to whom ever at their discretion. So, I unplug the line. Get back to that feeling of feeling fine. Cleanse my mind. From feelings of anger and frustration from federal violation after violation. “My monies on me; Give me a year.” I say to myself. This current life of mine shall be shelved. You probably wont know. I can only imagine where I’ll be. How much more I’ll have grown. A blossoming flower. Extremely unique. Value unknown. The presence of love. Potent. Overwhelming in every way. Intricately detailed in every possible way. I fit in right where I am. I’m in love with myself and if I say it enough one day it will really sink in. Tonight’s about filling the sink hole in my heart. It was me who moved away. Distance has opened my eyes. I am your girl. Your mine all mine. In my thoughts.. Preparing dinner alone. I light the house with candles. God is with me. The weight is lifting. He will not give me more than I can handle. I am in control of myself and in my lane. Say a prayer. Pop a pill to ease these anxious pains.
LESSON: I AM. I CAN. I HAVE. I WILL. (mantra)
What’s my self-worth? Anything? A quarter. Dollar or two? Accomplishing my dreams? How do you realize your valuable when you have never felt worthy? A penny for my thoughts. A list of everything I’m not. Always black or white. Like what’s black is wrong and what’s white is always pure and right. And I’m the one in question? Am I someone you would want to invest in? Break down after break down. Triple A canceled. Feeling like a clown.
I really want to believe. I really-really do.. Tears running down my face. To so many; I feel as though I’m a disappointment, disgrace. No more family functions. The dysfunction inside of me I can not control. Broken and bruised. Years of abuse. This is not my excuse. This is my way of letting go. The only therapy I can afford. The past is the past. It can not be changed. Not a single soul I place blame. Every single experience I fully accept. I have hit rock bottom↓ Dejavu of what to expect. A wreck. My life. No liability. In the process of trying to get things right. Dissecting the meaning of value. Not quite ready for an appraisal. Steamed and squeaky clean may reduce my value.. Grit and grime line my eyes. Who I am. Where I’ve been. Caught in the middle. The constant riddle of life all alone. Only I can decide.. the true value of all that’s inside. I want to say priceless I really-really do. I’m breaking down again. Rambling in rage. I’m so confused. I mean, what value do you place on you?
LESSON: Your attitude sets the stage. So, act right.
Growing girl.. I have decided to write directly to you for a couple of reasons. ≠¹ I love you. ≠² You mean the world to me ≠³ It’s important to me to remind you how loved and extra♥ordinary you are. I am older and I am wiser. So.. whatever it is that’s on your mind I have most likely already been there and done that and if I haven’t.. (by slim chance). I will always listen. We are all faced with choices in our life. We don’t always choose the right ones. I am not proud of some of my choices. Always, ask yourself “Is this worth it?” Because, You Are worth it. You are a leader. Lead. Never be a follower. You don’t have to be. Your highly intelligent. Strong. Beautiful. “You know who you are.” My expectations from you are out of this world. Because to me, You are the world. I know who you truly are. Trust yourself. Believe in the power of you. Use your magical powers. Always remember where you came from. Who you came from. Don’t be afraid in life. Know you can do and be anything you choose. That’s the beauty. YOU have the power with in yourself to choose. As simple as yes or no is as right or wrong is as narrow or wide is. Be confident with in yourself to say no. You will soon learn that there is nothing (not one thing) more attractive than confidence. Follow or Lead. Always love, Choose to Lead. Your surrounded by an abundance of strength., Use it as your fuel to shine in life. I believe in you. (you know your name) have always been your own unique spirit. You truly are a jewel. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live each moment magically! You will be tested often. Trust yourself. Trust God. I believe you will make the right decisions. Utilize your resources. Accept love. Choose love. Respect love. Pay attention to strong women. Listen to them, watch them, learn from them, grow from them. Ask questions. Never be afraid to reach out or ask for help. A closed mouth does not get fed. Don’t starve yourself out. You don’t have to. Continue to remind yourself; that all anyone can ever tell you is no.
Dance to your own drum. Dream the impossible! You’re a leader. Surround yourself around good people.
Don’t talk about people. Talk about things.
p.s. Be patient. Becoming a young lady is not always easy or fun.Give yourself the time and space to continue to grow into a beautiful Extra ∞ Ordinary young lady God created you to be.
I love you ♥ I believe in you ♥ All my love
Come out, Come out, Where ever you are..? I lay here and think… Where are you really? Under a rock? Behind a tree? Out of orbit? Globe trotting planet Me..? I can see your lost. Written all over your face. My own body I quickly steady to readily embrace. A stare down in the mirror. Focus. Lose focus. No single tear around here. Sobbing. Snotty. I stare down this lost scared little girl glare. Come back to me. Come back to me. I hear. Spirit broken. Then stolen long ago. Running around here empty. A ghost of a soul. Fear has run almost everyone out. Compassion holds strong. A personally composed love song. The inner workings of me strung ever so gently.. The avenue which God has blessed me with to carry me through. Oh what a quest. The smallest realizations that the physical body is simply my sacred nest. Complicated encoded in another language from a dialect like no other seen before. More advanced than hieroglyphics in stereo. I decoded in minutes time. Me I am my penance. We are in the matrix here and now. Just a matter of opening the right door. Narrow. UN·wide. Wrong way no more. Turn the knob. Just choose a door. Door number one. Door number two. Door number three. A googolplex of doors surrounds me. Fear freezes me. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Time waits for know one. Am I then someone? I open my eyes. Squinting. Everything so bright. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have committed murder in the third degree. My feelings of shame and loss of ego asks that you forgive me so I can move forward purely. Third or first it’s all the same. Cows slaughtered for my selfish fillets. Fear and pain they too feel. A pricey piece of veal. KILL KILL KILL. A deadly virus thought to be a needed program. Administrating the same result. Perpetuated murder. I reek of death. By conscious consumption. I understand pain. It’s taken over me tired with no energy fruit and vegetables. Nuts and beans. Vitamins and weed. Grown from the ground. Reacting to sound. My heartstrings tugged. No murder to take place. Heard it all a thousand times before. Dropping weight. Constant headaches. Discomfort confirms change. Change confirms growth = ↑up (= that much closer to GOD) So, many questions that no longer conform to the standard application carried by most. I upgraded my software, purchased my domain name and switched my host. I don’t want to live lost in my body forever. Haunted by my own ghost. I’m afraid to die in vain. I must open myself to change. Truly figure out a way to sustain for my remainder of time allotted to this short existence of time that shall determine my “true value and worthiness” on judgment day passed onto me for my choices while here in true purgatory every test perfectly placed and designed for etra•ordinary me by Divinity.
Conclusion: Mans best friend if I had to would I eat?
A: NO. Not ever.
According to rear adm. mary landrey us coast guard. Crude oil in no way has made it’s way to Florida’s key west. Even though crude oil lumps continues to show up on land. But, in no way possible was that particular oil from the catastrophic bp spill? Is’nt spill a slight understatement? Personally, I think it’s insulting! Wildlife dying.. Business’s failing, And that’s just the beginning. Keep reading.
My question to you., Humans I share my world with. Earth to all of you?!? Wake the hell up. Do you trust what you are watching and being told to be true? Do you believe this coast guard lady has any iota as to what she’s talking about? Reporting to you? I again am infuriated by all of this ignorance. Guessing games, tinkering with God’s work. Truly unbelievable. Destroying our entire world. The smartest brains here on earth can’t figure out how our heart begins to beat or how to fix this massive oil nightmare. We could go deeper.. Shall we chat about the brainiacs that came up with setting the oil on fire? Of course not. We don’t want to continue bringing attention to our rapidly depleting ozone layer because to so many humans global warming is still fiction in your small bubbles. Update your software folks. Your still operating on a commodore PC with dial-up. Time to step it up. You’re at the right place. I will lace you up so tight. You will need to grab your inhaler. Soon realizing.. You are alive and breathing. Toughen up. Don’t email me with any whining. It’s not becoming of you. Need some Splenda? I don’t sugar coat. Not ever. There’s no time. Time is of the essence. So, this is about as sweet as it’s gonna get.
Stop. Close your eyes.. For a moment think about Walle the Disney film. Now, remember all those lazy humans/(sheeple) who were completely oblivious to anything other than their own minute bubble. Okay thank you. You got the visual. Now wake the fuck up! Or.. Not. Stop complaining. Your just making noise. Pretty soon I’m sure in the near future I’ll be able to sue you for that too.
How did you sleep last night? Can I get you a cup of coffee? Perhaps a little tea? Starting my day off on a positive note is crucial to how the rest of my day usually turns out. Let our days be filled with greatness and our hearts filled with love. Have a blessed day ♥
Dont take her kindness for weakness. That’s the worst thing you can do to someone you love. She put you above all else. Imprisoned in-house. Now that hair has began to gray. Subtle signs of unsuretys if he wished he’d chosen another way. Or will he weather this storm and protect the still unsealed cracks in the astronomical amount of foundation already laid. Ignorance is bliss. Some say. What’s this about God? Reflection in mirror this representation of my soulistic precious guarded interior. The beauty of a tear. drop… Stop! this madness. Insanity. No sadness. You desire a dime. Yet you have a quarter. A vision of beauty. A rare mix of DNA from every border. Do I follow these signs you consistently show? Or do I obsess over google earth at all the endless open space and windy roads? Poverty brought me possibilities of visions and dreams coded in only ways available for me to see. It’s completely your choice to join me. Let me show you me. Please allow me, take a breath. Want to know me? You always showin me. Are you seein me? Just doin me? Or are you just doin you? So, many years in living soul-y for you ♥
I miss myself you sea. The yearning has turned to pain and this river of mine runs deep. I’ve always played for keeps. A hold card of suits keeps me a float. Steady on my feet. I used to ask where she went. She’s been here all along… Time bent ∞ An infinite soul. Stages, Places and Time all an internal perception individually to each mind. Just as beauty… What is it truly? God has blessed me with more than most. I’m on overflow and he’s been with me now so long his personal perception is telling his mind that maybe… I’ve let myself go in retrospect. Just remind yourself my finger holds no shadow creating that magical programmed completion glow. Luckily my system has been updated, upgraded. Hacked into an impressive network with memory capabilities connecting with you compatibility aesthetically astounding this priceless creation is not just for show. All systems stay ready and programmed to go. I prefer Euros £
© memoirs of a mastermind 2010