Tears held in eyes.. Emotions on the rise. I continue moving. Forward. I use forward as my guide. My intuition on watch.. My third eye. Hides in the bluff.. Locked on your position. Downloading.. Your true intention. For you refuse to spit it out.. I’m not trippin, scream it, shout it! Blow out your lungs.. Just get it out. Getter done!
I come from truth. I need to know where your coming from? No judgment. Just love to be spent. On you. Valuable U.
Intentions mustn’t always be bad. Sometimes there’s a hidden goodness.. As soon as you.. Chip through the dust and crust. I say.. Your staring at a diamond in the rough.. Just a dash of polish.. Luxurious luster in clarity.. Get your mind outta there.. I’m already married..


Sunny outside. Severe anxiety inside. To balance my emotions I close ALL curtains and blinds. Hiding from the light. Balancing myself in darkness I sell myself on the idea.. That I am just fine. Know-one really knows me. Just the idea of what they’ve built me up to be. I may be a little like her.. But, overall more of a stranger dealing with constant paranoia sending warning signs of DANGER. I pass a mirror.. Second glance. Stranger in my house. Distance growing.. Phone ringing. My insides screaming!!! WHAT??? NOW??? WHY….? HOW???

Home-bound loss of control. Steering wheel coated in honey.. leading me wrongly. Control/updating… files. Uninstalling/Miscellaneous energy sucking pop-ups. Everything HUSH HUSH on the down low.  ALL trusting the the dark winding road. I got GOD in my passenger seat. I’m never riding solo. Checking handles for open doors.. A cracked window. Just trying to get ahead.. Methodically, logically. Forget ³ steps ahead. At this pace I’ll end up dead. More like ten. I plan to WIN. One step at a time equates to.. too much idle time. An enemy of mine. I need to feel the pains from my hustle, shin splints, migraines. Restless leg syndrome from constant Grinding.. Legal documents binding. Major things happening. Literally designing a Picasso masterpiece from my life lessons of tsunami waves. Personal, mental breakdowns and meltdown. Sending shock-waves ALL the way back to the town. Leveling out to a category three catastrophe.♥I LOVE ME♥ ANYTHING AND ALL AFFILIATED WITH ME. Shine with me.

No more painPlease God make it go away. Foundation unsteady from ruptured love. God brings me back.. Holds me up..↑ Tips the cup.. Whispers in my ear “Don’t give up.” I got you love. . Suddenly the ocean calms. Rainbow sparkles.. Where did I go so wrong? I snap back to I.. Then hear again.. The past has past. Breathe Let go.. Breathe.. love Daddies here.

The pain shall dissipate.. Believe and wait.

For when the time comes you’ll be the first to know. For now my Dear Daughter, Sit back and watch yourself GROW. Look at yourself. I can vividly see your halo giving you that gorgeous golden glow. Your my daughter. I made you to perfection. This is something you should know. From a Father to a Daughter. I designed you just as you are.

You have downloaded a virus. Uninstall. Quarantine. Do as I say; Listen to me. You have been blessed with a case of consciousness. An abundance of information I see your processing. Unsure what to do with..

I am here holding your hand. Trust me. Next to you is where I stand. Your Father. Your #1 Man. I got this. I make the plan. Together as 1 we make this happen. I see the Masterpiece. It’s YOU. Standing right in front of me. Open your eyes.. My baby.

An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… why?

Pouring down rain. Flooded in pain.. Attempting to let things go.. The more I try to forget.. I find myself drowning in a puddle.. back again in the middle of a hell storm. When I say it’s coming down. It’s pounding pound for pound. One minute I’m up, next I’m down.. Here we go again round in round. I’m all wound up. Yet, losing juice fast. I’m tired of ALL this shit. Ready to roll. Tired of fallin-IN. Boy, what does one do? This is quite the predicament and I sure as hell am more than frustrated. No fancy codes, dialects or encryption to break through.. I’ve felt a lot of things. Emotional experiences have tested me on every single level. Where I am right now. Looks completely dark. I no longer see or feel my shadow. You would have no clue as to who I am. A ghostly shadow.. overcrowded and lonely as ever.. I’m spinning fast. A top on glass.. How long is ALL of this drama going to last? Raw. Real. Guts exposed. Weakend steal.  Yeah, I know this is not happy or positive.. I’m sorry for getting ALL heavy with ALL of this. But, right now this is how I feel. Broken, sad and lonely as hell. Breakdown number one million. Before I get to forty.. Maybe, I’ll get to a trillion. I need me back. My heart is racing. My feet are pacing. Anxiety pills in combination. Too high-strung for current meditation. My heart is breaking. Is anyone out there? I pause to wipe my tear. A moment of silence for what I feel. I have a hell of a story. I feel no joy. I feel no glory. I need a change. Something fueled by love. No involvement with negativity, dramatics and pain. I need a change. I need some help. I need a friend. I need myself.. This too shall pass.. Hold Card it’s just the Holidays.. I gently remind myself. It’s your first year around.. ALL alone. No movement. No sound. What am I celebrating? Why do I care.. I do.. I don’t.. Just one of these nights. An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… Why?

November Morning..

Good morning virtual family.. Yuck at my new coffee creamer flavor.. pumpkin spice.. Not feeling this at all. Will not let it hamper my morning routine. Thank you Lord for my Hot coffee with cream. Well, November has arrived.. Woke up super early this morning. Rise and shine. Blinds cracked. In came me. Blinded by my own light.. Five am.. I think to myself.. why would anyone at this hour want to exercise?!? I mean I’m up.. Barely wide awake. Window cracked. Freezing from the chilly ocean breeze.. ALL I can think about is coffee inside me. Where’s my robe? Some-type of heat! Burr! I don’t function when I’m cold.. Joints getting old and stuff. Listen to me complaining. Oh boy.. Life’s so rough!

Well.. Happy Tuesday! Let’s see what I can get accomplished. I AM so behind! Like Alice’s rabbit.. I’m late! I’m late! I’m late! Have so much to do. Trying to still enjoy the moment. It wont last long.. Once it’s gone.. It’s gone.

So, for right now.. This Tuesday morning. I’m going to catch up on some replies.. Make a couple of phone calls.. Eat something.. Walk the beach! Well.. we’ll see on that one. Depends how much energy I have left.. After I cross some of this stuff off my ever-growing list..  See you later! Time to get started..


Lost with out you..

2:51 am Slight breeze.. The ocean is roaring.. I have no tears at the moment. No secrets, potions or tricks to pull.. I sit here.. deep in thought. Doe eyed. Sitting Tall. People love to watch you suffer. Wait to see you crash straight into a brick wall. I used to be a sprinter.. I hit rock bottom and now I start all over once again.. I’m currently in the middle of a rebuild.. Far to devastated for remodel. The economy sucks. Effecting most everyone’s investments, accounts and pocket books, beliefs and trust. So, here I am.. repainting the walls. Old fashioned in so many ways.. I’m not to proud to get on my knees and pray; Then moving right along. Gotta have great music on! Makes the job.. more like fun. Scrubbing floors, washing windows, doing the yard, next is the garage, front and back courtyards, balcony and patio, sealing the cracks in the floor. Looking and seeing changing colors and suddenly realize shit it’s already fall! Soon little tricker treaters will be knocking on my door.. Boy my minds sure not on candy.. I’m checking out this growing stack of bills. Life is so full of surprises. Very intense egos, vanity smurfs and wanna be reality starlets and idols. Quit! You know you; yourself have thought about it…? Yeah..  Freedom! Freedom to choose. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to excel to your full potential. The unique creative child of God we all are. Somethings got to give..

I have to make something happen. A miracle. A waterfall of a windfall. Oh how I vision life to be.. So much simpler when you’re not counting pennies for gas or than checking to see if anythings left to get something to eat. I know I got it in me. I know I do.. I Do. I DO! Full of so many surprises, my bright inner light lit, not a quitter. When I’m all in. I confidently back my hand. Even with off suit seven deuce, I’ll play you. I’ll look you in your eyes as if I’m flying high on pocket rockets. Trying to figure me out..? I see you. Not going to happen to soon. I’m a chameleon. I blend in to any scene, situation or conversation. This is one of my most special gifts God’s blessed me with. I may be bluffing some of the way.. I’m a survivor and the objection is to do what I have to, to make it through today. My focus resides on the current. Through this ALL. I’m just brightening my light and soon you shall witness before your very eyes as  my star arrives.

life experiences. Pick a character I bet you I’ve played her too.  My whole life has been a stage and a lot of it I did not act right. I’m here. I’m there. I traveled far and near. I’ve seen so much! No matter where I went. Blessed with some serious contacts, friendships and luck.. My mind was stuck on someone.. That someone is Mastermind. A decade and some later we are still going strong. A serious grip. I will not let go.. I will continue to be here, to fight. To both of us, I say hold on. Unbreakable, Irreplaceable there is Know-one out there that could fill his shoes. Or break our bond. I’m completely loyal, will hold it down and proudly present to him his golden crown in years to come.. He will return.. I feel blessed for that. Some people have to say their goodbyes forever.. and for us we just followed down a wrong road and now must embrace this current endeavor, viewing it as having more time to focus on ourselves each other and the close few we love and trust.  Seasons will change.. Dynastic occasions will pass with less luster than used to be.. Birthdays will come and go.. Time is something you never get back and with mine I shall take full advantage.. Embracing personal growth.. Flooding him with mail in red envelopes =LOVE not making his time hard.   Realizing he needs to focus. The stories are painful. What goes down in their, in the yard.. Breaks my heart. To know the man I love is there locked and shackled behind closed doors. My respect meter if off the rictor and makes me love him that much deeper. I’m lost without him.. But, I bought an LED flash lite and am slowing making my way.. Slow playing.. at a snail’s pace. Hold_Card analyzing every single situation, Checking you out, Intently listening and making my next three moves all the while everyone is chatting, cat fighting, talking about the most current crazy UFO siting.. Oh where do I belong??? Not here. Not anywhere… What do people really think of me? I often ponder on who they really believe me to be..? Just curious at the end of the day.. Not everyone is going to love me. My personality an acquired taste. A rare concoction spicy and raw. Fresh and delectable. Simply irresistible. I have my vices.. I gamble with life, my heart and love. I’m a poker player and I’m just trying to get ahead. To stay above water.. I carefully tread.. I can’t swim and at times I freak the fuck out! My sweet voice occasionally needs a blow out. Or if left un-serviced will either ignite, blow a gasket, fuse or possibly die. In this lifetime. I will look back at this. This very moment. Exactly right now. I will remember this.. I will close my eyes and hear my tummy growl. I will envision all of this as I inhale the aroma from my private chef. I wish to make a difference. I don’t intend the future to be nothing like this. The process of a butterfly.. and soon. Perfection I can’t help. I know what I like and I know what I want. It’s never personal. My movie runs in my head. Thinking about 10,000 things while listening, praying for the passing siren and feeding my puppy dog.. A 24 hour multitask-er. So, much to do.. On borrowed time. Energy is lacking.. Food or gas again? Shoot! I also need toilet paper, tooth paste, batteries and as usual my mind wandering.. (I have to start making my lists) I forget.. Oh yeah firewood..

I’m truly blessed for this allotted personal time for growth.. I can tell you I’m a trip! Slightly unstable in meaning you really never know exactly what personality you’ll get.. In meaning.. I am ALL over the place. One minute I’m up! Cheery with a painted smile brightening the darkness that looms my face. Unsure if you should run.. Head for the hills. Or   If you bet on me.. Believe in me. Can find an ounce of faith to spare me..

Light me a candle at church, Say a prayer for me.. I could just be your personal lottery. Something major is  happening. Taking place before my very eyes. Disguised by nothing but light.. Serious energy electrifys me. So I know that something is cooking.. Smells like my favorite recipe. Just an added dash of this and that.. and poof* the numbers appear. Just – like – that. Manifested, meditated God listened.. Only he knows what I’m made of.