on tilt

Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly  washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.

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Reshuffle

Think it’s only natural I’m crashing. Running hard. Running on fumes. Keeping you out the loop. Sadness, despair, surrounded by suicidal thoughts..  Lifelines taking mine. Trickling toxicities into u. Us. Rush Rush.. For what? I feel so stuck. Afraid to move. Afraid to get into a groove. Everybody frozen unsure what to do. I don’t know how to play chess. What I would do to lay in my safe place.. Your chest. Ohhh boy this has been a massive clean up. Life such a mess. What’s the longevity.. In ALL this sadness. Cracked out drama. No giggles, no smiles. I check them at each and every door. No, my my my system has gone haywire to bogged down for a restore.
Restore to what? To who? Life getting the best of me, us, u have left my heart bruised. No more shades of soft bubble gum pink. I’m black and blue. Attitude sad, frustrated hint of rude.
Dude, get it together. Disheveled and beautiful.. dark angel. Keep working on polishing your halo. I’m not ready to exit. Even with the mess I’m in. I still see my life as blessing and.. I have work still to be done. Just tired, exhausted.. A ton of boxes to unpack. Memories.. Getting the best of me each road I travel down I check myself in the rearview.. Little me. Big frown. Chin up. Hair down.
No plan. Crumpled map. Yet, I know this city. That’s right. I just don’t know this me. Contaminated. Searching for a vaccine. A cure.. Praying with ALL my heart for a miracle. A voice of reason. A new season. A palate to taste at ALL. Living off fast food.. Darkening my mood. No fuel. No desire. I miss my inner fire.. Screaming so loud sound like a whole children’s african choir.
Heavy, heavy, heavy. No ultimately I will be okay. I have strong faith. In me, in us. In who you are. I’m in the battlefield. Signing up.. I knew for certain would leave scars. Now, im in the driver’s seat.. No more copilot for me. Driving dangerously at high altitude speeds. ALL out of character for me.
My destiny will be what it’s going to be.. Doesn’t mean it’s not just about to kill me.. While I’m slowly… Slowly.. Rebooting. Choosing.. Running olympic speeds from the guilt. Afraid of sunlight in possibility I may melt.. Just playing the cards I have been dealt. I’m the hold card.  One of the toughest cards in the deck. Shuffling and demanding a reshuffle. Accused of counting cards. I’m intelligent but not that so.. Just watching, listening and analyzing waiting for an open door. Need more time for what’s in store.. Your ALL I got. Never forget the power you possess. My guide on this ever so lonely quest. Wish I had a little one for a nightlight. Someone to hug and hold me and to tuck in at night.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. I’m praying for a miracle. Please reciprocate. Double or nothing. Split them. I can’t help. I’m a loyal bitch. This is who I am. I have been ALL in from the shuffle.
Scrapes, bruises, broken heart.. Never ending scuffles.. I’m still breathing. I’m still standing. Ch’in up. Just could use.. A clue.  Never forget my love and compassion is my greatest virtue..

WINNER

 

WINNER
WINNER

I’m hungry. F#%$ that.. I’m starving! Give me a beak. Give me.. a break off that kit kat bar. I’m here. Seasoned. Already a believer in erratic behavior I find normality in.. a computability factor in the honest abrase.. kinda like apol ½ an apology.. still cracking up off fucking Charlie Sheen.. The reality that comes from dealing with hypocrisy on a rock star level. Hair messy, uncombed-disheveled.. Major money monopoly game. SANE is what they question ? I stand / Team Sheen. I ((SEE)) the Matrix code. 2.0.2.0 dark matter code.  Mathematics ALL the same. Suffering is suffering. Life is a lesson. The game is testing your programmed physical being. Daily. On visible shades of LIGHT. Creating shades of darkness and purchasable false light down the street on Rodeo Drive. Charlie called them on their shit.. Or shall I say.. lack of it. Common ignorance. Lived in Hollywood Bliss. Michael J. Fox clause deserves an applaud. Pay the man. Wave your flag. Egos controlled. Fully contained. That makes them MAD (personal inferior shame)  Same time making Charlie LaUgh… AhAHA HA HA… I hear him roar. These poor poor.. afraid paid off souls.. Charlie watches them sadly.. As he lets them go.. (((You can’t save everyone))) I say subliminally.. sending brainwaves south through  the valley, Camarillo, Calabasis, and on too Sherman Oaks.. the truth has released you.. their is “KNOW” turning back.. The sheeple are entombed. In their bubbled worlds of Planet Mes. Some designed by Rachael Zoe , show bubbles desperately trying to get picked up by OWN, anything Oprah, Harpo.  Blinded by their PREprogrammed state of existence. No interest on furthering their mental education. So, when one does. They can not understand and cower with the others. Pointing there fingers. Shame Shame they signal with their lifeless hands. I see right through.. Is it a gift? No.. You wish. I won from the beginning. My little sperm was a swimmer. I AM a lotto winner. Winning is what I do. Who I AM. My DNA tigerblood laced.  WINNING  blood. W – Positive = equating.. Downloading.. Updating.. Re-Programing.. Status: COMPLETE = LOVE ↑ the answer to any and ALL questions above. World are you listening..?

The Answer: LOVE. Write it down. Cut and paste. You should not have to.  This comes from deep within. If you sit still. You will feel/hear your next clue. Pay attention. You have the power. Each and every one of  “U”.  As, The world eagerly watches life play out. Sitting back eating pretzels, now on lays… Passing personal judgments on Charlie getting laid. Are you serious? I mean for real..? Over half America medicated on happy pills. Who gives one the right to pass judgment on your fellow sisters and brothers? Where is your hand in love? Your understanding..? Your compassion? Your Un-Understanding? Bottom line Love? Where do you stand? How do you feel about this human being? This father? This son? This man? Who’s made you laugh a time or ² ½.. Or maybe just recently. With his boldness. Realness. Quick wit with a clever edgy twist.. (Yes, silly! I’m talking about Mr. Charlie Sheen..) I know I’m not the only one he is entertaining.. I’m not laughing at him. I’m laughing with him about ALL of them. This has been cracking me up. I’m Team Sheen. Like, Charlie I already WON. I’m seriously on board. I see he’s no games. This is life.  A game I’m already playing. @CharlieSheen Playing his cards.. Similar to my style of play. It’s on. Game on. Let’s play! I’m ALL in. This is a WIN WIN situation. Social Media Intern.. Hmmmm I have done many things. Used to call myself a Jill of  ALL trades.  Now I know better I AM the Queen of  ♥’s. That is what makes me different. I was born with a Golden Heart. Let’s do this! Let me know when your ready for me to start?

Life less interesting..

It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.

LOVE

LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out.  Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be.  There  is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy,  my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes..  On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?

Lost with out you..

2:51 am Slight breeze.. The ocean is roaring.. I have no tears at the moment. No secrets, potions or tricks to pull.. I sit here.. deep in thought. Doe eyed. Sitting Tall. People love to watch you suffer. Wait to see you crash straight into a brick wall. I used to be a sprinter.. I hit rock bottom and now I start all over once again.. I’m currently in the middle of a rebuild.. Far to devastated for remodel. The economy sucks. Effecting most everyone’s investments, accounts and pocket books, beliefs and trust. So, here I am.. repainting the walls. Old fashioned in so many ways.. I’m not to proud to get on my knees and pray; Then moving right along. Gotta have great music on! Makes the job.. more like fun. Scrubbing floors, washing windows, doing the yard, next is the garage, front and back courtyards, balcony and patio, sealing the cracks in the floor. Looking and seeing changing colors and suddenly realize shit it’s already fall! Soon little tricker treaters will be knocking on my door.. Boy my minds sure not on candy.. I’m checking out this growing stack of bills. Life is so full of surprises. Very intense egos, vanity smurfs and wanna be reality starlets and idols. Quit! You know you; yourself have thought about it…? Yeah..  Freedom! Freedom to choose. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to excel to your full potential. The unique creative child of God we all are. Somethings got to give..

I have to make something happen. A miracle. A waterfall of a windfall. Oh how I vision life to be.. So much simpler when you’re not counting pennies for gas or than checking to see if anythings left to get something to eat. I know I got it in me. I know I do.. I Do. I DO! Full of so many surprises, my bright inner light lit, not a quitter. When I’m all in. I confidently back my hand. Even with off suit seven deuce, I’ll play you. I’ll look you in your eyes as if I’m flying high on pocket rockets. Trying to figure me out..? I see you. Not going to happen to soon. I’m a chameleon. I blend in to any scene, situation or conversation. This is one of my most special gifts God’s blessed me with. I may be bluffing some of the way.. I’m a survivor and the objection is to do what I have to, to make it through today. My focus resides on the current. Through this ALL. I’m just brightening my light and soon you shall witness before your very eyes as  my star arrives.

life experiences. Pick a character I bet you I’ve played her too.  My whole life has been a stage and a lot of it I did not act right. I’m here. I’m there. I traveled far and near. I’ve seen so much! No matter where I went. Blessed with some serious contacts, friendships and luck.. My mind was stuck on someone.. That someone is Mastermind. A decade and some later we are still going strong. A serious grip. I will not let go.. I will continue to be here, to fight. To both of us, I say hold on. Unbreakable, Irreplaceable there is Know-one out there that could fill his shoes. Or break our bond. I’m completely loyal, will hold it down and proudly present to him his golden crown in years to come.. He will return.. I feel blessed for that. Some people have to say their goodbyes forever.. and for us we just followed down a wrong road and now must embrace this current endeavor, viewing it as having more time to focus on ourselves each other and the close few we love and trust.  Seasons will change.. Dynastic occasions will pass with less luster than used to be.. Birthdays will come and go.. Time is something you never get back and with mine I shall take full advantage.. Embracing personal growth.. Flooding him with mail in red envelopes =LOVE not making his time hard.   Realizing he needs to focus. The stories are painful. What goes down in their, in the yard.. Breaks my heart. To know the man I love is there locked and shackled behind closed doors. My respect meter if off the rictor and makes me love him that much deeper. I’m lost without him.. But, I bought an LED flash lite and am slowing making my way.. Slow playing.. at a snail’s pace. Hold_Card analyzing every single situation, Checking you out, Intently listening and making my next three moves all the while everyone is chatting, cat fighting, talking about the most current crazy UFO siting.. Oh where do I belong??? Not here. Not anywhere… What do people really think of me? I often ponder on who they really believe me to be..? Just curious at the end of the day.. Not everyone is going to love me. My personality an acquired taste. A rare concoction spicy and raw. Fresh and delectable. Simply irresistible. I have my vices.. I gamble with life, my heart and love. I’m a poker player and I’m just trying to get ahead. To stay above water.. I carefully tread.. I can’t swim and at times I freak the fuck out! My sweet voice occasionally needs a blow out. Or if left un-serviced will either ignite, blow a gasket, fuse or possibly die. In this lifetime. I will look back at this. This very moment. Exactly right now. I will remember this.. I will close my eyes and hear my tummy growl. I will envision all of this as I inhale the aroma from my private chef. I wish to make a difference. I don’t intend the future to be nothing like this. The process of a butterfly.. and soon. Perfection I can’t help. I know what I like and I know what I want. It’s never personal. My movie runs in my head. Thinking about 10,000 things while listening, praying for the passing siren and feeding my puppy dog.. A 24 hour multitask-er. So, much to do.. On borrowed time. Energy is lacking.. Food or gas again? Shoot! I also need toilet paper, tooth paste, batteries and as usual my mind wandering.. (I have to start making my lists) I forget.. Oh yeah firewood..

I’m truly blessed for this allotted personal time for growth.. I can tell you I’m a trip! Slightly unstable in meaning you really never know exactly what personality you’ll get.. In meaning.. I am ALL over the place. One minute I’m up! Cheery with a painted smile brightening the darkness that looms my face. Unsure if you should run.. Head for the hills. Or   If you bet on me.. Believe in me. Can find an ounce of faith to spare me..

Light me a candle at church, Say a prayer for me.. I could just be your personal lottery. Something major is  happening. Taking place before my very eyes. Disguised by nothing but light.. Serious energy electrifys me. So I know that something is cooking.. Smells like my favorite recipe. Just an added dash of this and that.. and poof* the numbers appear. Just – like – that. Manifested, meditated God listened.. Only he knows what I’m made of.

cant imagine

can’t imagine my life with out you. can not imagine you not next to me in bed at night. all over you while trying to watch a movie.. taking in your scent after you leave a room.. can’t imagine scrambled eggs any other way but yours.. i miss you so much! can’t imagine only doing laundry for one.. not having fun with you and your son.. can’t imagine valentines day all alone..day after day.. i will stand for you.. wait for you.. sending you love through “love letters” and kisses through the phone.. time and distance will surely show how intensely magical our love will only continue to grow.

this mastermind you already know..  all my love. ALWAYS.