Do I care if I die..? Really..
I find myself asking myself this ALL the more often.
Most days.. I don’t think I do.
Most days.. I’m so beyond tired. I feel ready. Like hurry up won’t you already!
Heavy heart. Emotions tearing my insides apart. How much more I continue to wonder while I wander can this body take?
I watch myself deteriorate. Broken. I can never be fully repaired. These are more than war wounds. These are raw wounds of despair.
I look around for someone to grab hold to.. I quickly realize it’s only I on this ride. I circle and circle, up, down loop around. It’s quite a vicious cycle.
To the point of no return forces me to want to quickly recycle my carbon body and articles of doom. I look everyone in their eyes. I look deeply. Fascinated by ALL they hide.
I read them. I write them.
I relate. I look to life, late.
Is it fate?
Would you care? Do you? What would you do to get through?
Have you? I ask..
A lifeline perhaps?
Twelve years later…
An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.