sabbatical

I’ve been away for quite a while. I completely lost my passion for writing. I’ve been blocked. Just lately… I have felt the intense urge to begin writing again. A hunger within me. If you’ve followed my memoirs from the beginning. You’ve seen me at my darkest hour. And although I shared so much. I was still incredibly guarded. Paranoia. It did destroy me. My last post years ago. And now I write. STRONG. blessed. Progress-ion. A new frame of thought. I am still on my journey. A husband in prison. I grind daily. On a mission. For a better life. I’ve swallowed my pride. Learned to walk again. One step at a time. My confidence is back. I’ve earned that. My journey is one which should be shared. If you knew me… in this outside world. You might be surprised by my story. I share it with few. Where do I begin telling you what I’ve been up to?

Thank you for all the encouraging messages since I stopped writing. Through email, facebook and twitter. I appreciate you. My life was quite dark when I originally began this blog. It was my refuge. My way to release the rage, sadness, emptiness inside. You witnessed my nervous breakdown. You witnessed my rawness. My ending and new beginning. My life had collapsed beneath me  and I had no idea how to fix it. Stop it. Accept it. Embrace it. I wanted to die. I wanted to DIE.

So, much has transpired. Eventually I shut down completely. I hated myself in such away. What I had become. But, still I did not completely give up. God never left me. Ever. I have witnessed more in my 35 years then most will ever see. I moved away from that magical strawberry scented beach town. Where I used to write. I love that place. I believe the sound of the ocean saved me. I was so high… not on life. Trying to escape the misery. But, the time came and I knew I had to leave. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. Going back to my hometown. Home the furthest thing I felt. My grandpa. My rock. Fell ill. It was time. Time was ticking. This move would change my life. My brother was missing. Mastermind was gone. They took him. Again. I spent every single dollar on  lawyers, marijuana, and never-ending bills.. while I wallowed in my self-pity. I promised my grandpa I would never forget him. I knew what I had to do. That time had come. My high gone. Rawness. Realness. Hollowness. I was frail. Meatless. Bones. A walking ghost. I slept on the floor. In my car. Not my new BMW. I lost that too. I had myself and my little dog. He is my constant. I faced humans who I share the same blood with that despise me. Frown upon me. Share the same air in the same room. Yet will not speak. I faced them. I faced them ALL. ALL by myself. I held my head. I stood my ground. Alone. Ready for battle. Ready for anything. Whispers. Snickers. Looks of disgust. I sat there. I stood there. And I was proud. I was silent. Lethal in strength. While each domino fell.

My brother surrendered. He was home. He was safe. He was back. My brother. My twin soul. My mirror image was back. My grandfather could rest. He was so tired. He was so ready. My brother was safe. My grandfather let go. For me three traumatic blows. At this time I witnessed miracles. Miracles that no words can describe. Feelings of intervention from the divine. My heart forever changed. I could never view the world again the same.

We awaited trial. Court rooms after court room. I’m losing ALL my men. Mastermind. My Grandfather. My brother. My stepson. My nephew. I am all alone. But, I have my constant. I have Capone. #TBC

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Together we walk the line

Mastermind ∞ I am so blessed.. I know this. Mastermind. Mine. ALL mine. Whom means the world to me..  My entire universe. Including, Distant worlds.. The milky way; and undiscovered galaxies. YOU my love are  my invisible  dark  energy. The glue holding all we are together. Staying ready for 2012 and any and everything. While you walk the distance. Experiencing hatred and others with nothing to lose. You accept this fate.  I double knot your laces. I hate this cold place you’re in. Yet, You take it for what it’s worth and begin this journey in your own shoes here on planet earth. The respect I have for you!  Taking care of big boy business.  You do what you say you’re gonna do. You come in truth. A man of his word. Understanding that we are in purgatory. This is HELL. We must pass this test to turn the page and see what’s next.  Another chapter. You will not close this book. We never fold. ALL In from hand number one.  That’s what happens when your young and in love. Raised to never give up. No matter what. Stay true to who you are. Yes, sometimes that creates scars. War wounds of sorts. Never ending stories in and out of different Port(holes)/Court(doors). Distant love holds forever strong.  However long. This shall take. I will be here. Standing tall. Standing strong.

Never jeopardizing Me. Us. My safety.  Respecting are true love and all my needs. His backbone straight and strong. More than man enough to say I’m sorry baby… Poppy.. was wrong…

The love we share. Can not compare to any other feeling. When my King speaks, I proudly listen to his thoughts ideas and secret missions. Encouraging words of hard knock wisdom. I love this man. I am his #1 fan. We invested our everything into our kingdom (you&me). My Ruler and his Queen. A true definition of a start-up. We were built from the ground up. Foundation poured with the best cement. I’m talking designer Louis print.  You know it’s held up well. Designed to last. Never falter. Not a sway. No matter what distance. No need for quick wit there is no delay or change of planes. A constant yearning. Interior battlefield. I see the white flag. I surrender God. With you I KNOW we will be okay. Considering  the constant raging flames from the past few years of HELL.  Tear down. Never that. We respect our history. So, we put in the work to repair the settled cracks.  Inspection failed. Yeah we were for real.. I carry with me my heart of steel. Needle and thread on hand for quick repair. Tissue in purse to wipe tears on the loose. Always ready. Always prepared. Like the dude from running scared. His body is all I need. My safe-place. Our combined magnetic energy exuding out the seams quickly recharging while simultaneously enlightening me breathing entirely new life into me. Mastermind madly in love with you “I AM”

As much as I love words describing my feelings for you is tough to describe. You are the glimmer that resides in my eyes. The spark in the night. A Shooting star back-lit by moon lite. Exploding fireworks in the sky. My flashlight.  My nightlight. I hear your name.. My body begins to ignite! All systems Go. This vessels ready to take flight.

It’s just not one in-particular thing.. It literally is just about every little thing.  Consciously knowing all this. Already experienced the happiness. The roadblocks and bliss. I close my eyes to taste your lips. I feel your body embracing mine. I hold this feeling. Drift asleep… ZZ zzzzz ZZ Zzz Wandering in a forest.. there you are Poppy.. You found me.

Lets stay here forever.. Avatars we are. Rain, Sun or Shine. Me and You surrounded by a higher feeling. Unseen. Supreme Being.. Divinity circles you while you circle me. The light is SO bright I feel it. I feel you. ALL the way through. Mirror image. You and I. Together right now in another world. Only thing between this one and that one is light. You guided me there. Made me dig real deep. Held in my breath. The fractal appeared so deep.. Little did I realize it was you who was holding me.. and when I opened my eyes. I see you for an instant. Fuzzy. Fading.. into star-dust. I lay there in lust. Paralyzed in love. For you are I and I AM you and we together are God and God is us too.

My Benny.. Your June.  Your Bonnie… My Clyde.  My Desi… Your Lucy.  Your June… My Johnny.

Only the strong survive.

I’m here with you. Your not alone and neither am I. Together we’ll walk this line.

How united are we?

Are any of you out their aware that the us government during hurricane Katrina locked away the prisoners in the prison? Reread that sentence if you need to. By the end of this post you will reread in sadness, anger and disbelief. My intention is not to stir anger. Ever. It’s to wake you up to consciousness.

So again, I say to you. These inmates were locked in their cells. Days prior to this catastrophe ALL televisions’ were removed. ALL radios were removed. ALL inmates were locked in their cells. ALL guards, warden and staff LEFT. Consciously Left these humans to die. While they (the halves) went home to secure the lives of their families, themselves, their animals, their home (material item) These inmates you may be thinking well.. They should have not got in trouble. Well.. To you I say. Not all prisoners/inmates/incarcerated humans are guilty and these in particular individuals were jailed for as minor as a traffic infraction. Misdemeanors. Were not talking death row. Which brings me to what if they were. Is it okay to let our fellow humans die? Rot? To judge, pass judgments. No, it is not. Don’t worry. That is a topic that will not be forgotten on my watch.