Phone Check √
Heart wreck. Quick recover. Freak
undercover. Four-play. Argue ALL day. Emotional display. Clarity. He instills in me. #1 concern ME. He loves me. He loves me I think.. a lot. Yeah right. He loves me most. No question. ALL-in love. Close overdose. No I guess. No hesitance. No I suppose.
A complete YES.
He holds my heart next to his. In his chest. Heartbeat. Sound check. My safe place. My save face. He is home. Intertwined bodies through a wormhole. Connected souls. Through prison phone. Everything about everything. He knows. Ruler of right. Apology of wrong. Forgiving of ALL. My obsession. ALL or nothing. He adores me. He glorifies me. Our love-story out does any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so surreal. Outsiders think it’s make believe. He is the man. MINE. I’m not jealous I’m territorial with Mine. I am his lady. His partner. Significant other. His queen. His wife. His bitch. His baby. He knows my triggers and wholly accepts me as me. My off the chart level of bipolar crazy. He rubs my ass and spanks me. HARD. Over fifteen years he’s fluent in my DNA genetic matrix chart. He knows my favorite cock-tail. A splash of cream. I scream as he sedates me with his tongue. His voice. His words. His energy keeps me forever young. I age backwards. Zero to a Hundred in .2 seconds. He tranquilizes me in one sentence. Hypnotized. He always brings me back. That is a fact. Even if it causes him to almost break his back. His little monkey always attached. Needy. Greedy. He rarely complains. But, in an instant he will attack. He’s my everything. My crooked halo. My golden wings. No question we sold my platinum flawless wedding ring. Attorney fees. Do what we must. It’s ALL or nothing. It’s ALL about us. He calls the shots. Star player. I fully trust. I lust in love. Compulsive crush. Mad and deep. I kick and buck only when my gut flames up. Fire. Passion. I stand my ground. He respects my being. His perfect queen. He straightens my crown. He stands down. His crown jewel. He always listens. My greatest gift. My biggest wish. My absolute. I salute. HIM. I belong to him. I am his. 34.Qh8#. (NO) Stalemate. WIN-WIN. Dynasty.
Gotta write. Gotta wrap my head around the truth of what is happening before my very eyes. My energy is zapped and and I seem to be having a difficult time typing.. tears in eyes. Focusing on other objects, books, words, and smiles.. Sometimes I have to ask myself if this blogs truly worthwhile.. I miss everything! I miss the sky being that perfect shade of blue. Since you’ve been gone It will not shift from this awful gloomy gray to baby blue eyes “Truth” blue.
For you are I and I am you. Mirror image. Flickers of light guide me to answers through the night. In my dream state is where we most relate. Sweaty palms.. for I am being guided. I’m not hiding. I’m ready and willing for this never ending Godly feeling. LOVE. You have enlightened me. In ways that you may not realize that may take years to see.. and yes you shall see. The blessings you’ve bestowed upon me. Right now I am staring at a jigsaw puzzle that has left me nothing less then puzzled. Angry in such a way any; everybody would agree to muzzle -ME.
Opinionated and tempting to be the quiet girl at the same time. An oxymoron. However in my eyes. Fully Justified. From the outside looking in I look as though I’m a crazy woman. Truly mad. I’m just processing, De-fragmenting and thinking. Sometimes that means out loud. Dissecting these atoms of information and as soon as I FINALLY get to the middle. Shaken. On lonely ground. Profound. The abundance of information down–loaded into sound. Emptiness is what’s in the middle. Is this such a surprise? and if so.. why Hold Card? Why? Is this so different from you or you or myself (I)? So, this puzzle you see. What this is doing to me? Nobody want’s to listen. Everything I’m saying they question. ??? Too deep. Confusing. Rambling.. No understanding what so ever. A closed mind. A program installed in spirals. It was over the moment it went viral.
Now let me put it in a song. I’ll give you just a moment.. a phat ass beat. (Look at yourself) Your singing along. Lyrics that a moment ago.. caused you to frown. Feeling bad about yourself.. gazing down-ward. That’s all I’m saying are words. Only complete difference is my words come in truth. Truth does not lie and at times it can hurt. But, if there were only lies and no truth what then would be honesty’s worth? There is Honor is Honesty. Truth = Love. Love = God. All this YOU taught to me., My aura in life. Everything narrow. Everything right and if I truly live this way. This is the ONLY way to make sure everything will be alright. I believe in you. I trust everything you’ve ever told me. Not a day goes by, Not an hour, Not a minute, Not a second. That I close my eyes internally and feel you. Become you. Live in the mere essence of you. In your love. I view the world with blue eyes. A tint of reflection only felt by you my twin soul for I am you and you are I. Feel me. For I am always with you. My heart is big and if nothing else. Like UP it will lift you. Capricorn babies. Little old souls. Three days and three years. 33 I feel a power ball number manifesting. For money is not the answer. It’s more of a form of cancer. Yet, if treated in just the right way. A nightmare can quickly fade into a gradient disguised blessing. Hmmm maybe that’s why the sky’s gray..? Possibly a form of our Fathers test. Should not be any different from acing all the rest. Character is a virtue. In a virtual world. Imperfection nears devastation.
A catchy beat to help you move your feet and suddenly I got the hottest track on earth. Spitting the same shit.. Dispersing LOVE infusing sound. Adding glitzy diamonds, gold and paper. All a form of mother nature. Justify the over-sized words. That a moment ago threw you into a tailspin of anxious anxiety from insecurities, boredom or fear from my truthful words of what is coming. What is happening and what is near. Just looking out for you. For we are all mirror images and I am just reciting the nerves in question I feel inside you. A five year old pronounces as if nothing. Yet, an intellectual conversation is the basis for a boring, quiet talk.. No drama, no drag, with that gone. Complete loss of swag. Only existing on the account of false self worth. It is you who taught me to slow down, take notes and understand what I even am. To take the time invest in me. Educate and take a stand on my firm beliefs. An earthquake could not shake the foundation of this heavenly premium cement sealed and bonded. Feeling lonely and week is just the bend I need for balance in KNOWING nothing and or know-one can break me. My strength supersedes any seed you try to slip me. I don’t do mixed drinks. Come at me real. Real is what you get. You hear my name.. it’s impossible not too see you. For the wind is picking up. I’m here to carry you through. I love you. I love you. I love you. (.3.)x11= (?) The rest of the world in question.
Come out, Come out, Where ever you are..? I lay here and think… Where are you really? Under a rock? Behind a tree? Out of orbit? Globe trotting planet Me..? I can see your lost. Written all over your face. My own body I quickly steady to readily embrace. A stare down in the mirror. Focus. Lose focus. No single tear around here. Sobbing. Snotty. I stare down this lost scared little girl glare. Come back to me. Come back to me. I hear. Spirit broken. Then stolen long ago. Running around here empty. A ghost of a soul. Fear has run almost everyone out. Compassion holds strong. A personally composed love song. The inner workings of me strung ever so gently.. The avenue which God has blessed me with to carry me through. Oh what a quest. The smallest realizations that the physical body is simply my sacred nest. Complicated encoded in another language from a dialect like no other seen before. More advanced than hieroglyphics in stereo. I decoded in minutes time. Me I am my penance. We are in the matrix here and now. Just a matter of opening the right door. Narrow. UN·wide. Wrong way no more. Turn the knob. Just choose a door. Door number one. Door number two. Door number three. A googolplex of doors surrounds me. Fear freezes me. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Time waits for know one. Am I then someone? I open my eyes. Squinting. Everything so bright. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have committed murder in the third degree. My feelings of shame and loss of ego asks that you forgive me so I can move forward purely. Third or first it’s all the same. Cows slaughtered for my selfish fillets. Fear and pain they too feel. A pricey piece of veal. KILL KILL KILL. A deadly virus thought to be a needed program. Administrating the same result. Perpetuated murder. I reek of death. By conscious consumption. I understand pain. It’s taken over me tired with no energy fruit and vegetables. Nuts and beans. Vitamins and weed. Grown from the ground. Reacting to sound. My heartstrings tugged. No murder to take place. Heard it all a thousand times before. Dropping weight. Constant headaches. Discomfort confirms change. Change confirms growth = ↑up (= that much closer to GOD) So, many questions that no longer conform to the standard application carried by most. I upgraded my software, purchased my domain name and switched my host. I don’t want to live lost in my body forever. Haunted by my own ghost. I’m afraid to die in vain. I must open myself to change. Truly figure out a way to sustain for my remainder of time allotted to this short existence of time that shall determine my “true value and worthiness” on judgment day passed onto me for my choices while here in true purgatory every test perfectly placed and designed for etra•ordinary me by Divinity.
Conclusion: Mans best friend if I had to would I eat?
A: NO. Not ever.
Balance. Breathe. I will end up stretching myself completely thin. I’m currently living in the worlds most stretchiest skin. I have yet to witness.. an analogy.. true reality. Double jointed matrix inspired back bends. Dipping and dodging stray bullets and telephone lines. Negative thoughts a deadly virus contiguously over taking the weak. My life is not bleak. No hide and seek. I am here. Hide no more. Just guarded most always unwilling to open the door. For its shut for a reason. Realizing the season of summer is now. Even with this sunshine in sky I do not have energy from much-needed vitamin D to look you in your eyes. You’ll leave me exasperated back to square one picking myself up again off the floor. Loneliness is planning its take over.
My best friend. My confidant. What am I going to do with out you? I know I keep asking. Dazed and confused. When I miss you already today.. Is this punishment for labels and greed? The only way God could consciously awaken me? A dagger in my heart. ‡ A red glimpse of caution. An earthquake inside devastates the even still innocent pure inner me my motherboard= operating software supported by you.. So, you see why I continue to ask.. what will I do.. Exposing all cards. every fear, every lie, every spy on their side. Flushed with shards of heart. A shattered soul no doubt. Beats remain. Complete madness. Sick normality confirm insanity. Everything out of my control. Unraveling at the seams. This is more than a bad dream. Hold on tight to every single thread. Spending most of our departing hours in bed. Charging and recharging. Energy renewing life into a shell of a body on the verge of being pronounced “dead”. Heavy. Yes. For “all” involved. A catastrophe what will end in a Masterpiece. Trust in me is what I hear. From every angle. All my angels. Every new step in a direction.., I call change that instantly flips the feeling of fear into defiant pains. Will (← free) be back. Just you wait. These words are just your hors d’oeuvres for what’s in store. Consider yourself cordially invited. An open door.
This is my time to tighten my boots. lace yourself up and stay ready for this hand of your life. Straight. Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card.
I’m letting it out some days by whisper.. I’ll try not to shout. The goals to stay in control. Reacting only with kindness and truth. God is on our side. I feel him now. Yes! A Full House.
Stay continued.. to read and soon listen to real memoirs of a masterminds Hold Card. It has been hard. It will get harder. I refuse to throw in my hand. I will play these cards I’ve been dealt. Like Floyd says I’m a prize-fighter. I’m not fighting for no worthless belt. My words are heartfelt.
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