Gotta write. Gotta wrap my head around the truth of what is happening before my very eyes. My energy is zapped and and I seem to be having a difficult time typing.. tears in eyes. Focusing on other objects, books, words, and smiles.. Sometimes I have to ask myself if this blogs truly worthwhile.. I miss everything! I miss the sky being that perfect shade of blue. Since you’ve been gone It will not shift from this awful gloomy gray to baby blue eyes “Truth” blue.
For you are I and I am you. Mirror image. Flickers of light guide me to answers through the night. In my dream state is where we most relate. Sweaty palms.. for I am being guided. I’m not hiding. I’m ready and willing for this never ending Godly feeling. LOVE. You have enlightened me. In ways that you may not realize that may take years to see.. and yes you shall see. The blessings you’ve bestowed upon me. Right now I am staring at a jigsaw puzzle that has left me nothing less then puzzled. Angry in such a way any; everybody would agree to muzzle -ME.
Opinionated and tempting to be the quiet girl at the same time. An oxymoron. However in my eyes. Fully Justified. From the outside looking in I look as though I’m a crazy woman. Truly mad. I’m just processing, De-fragmenting and thinking. Sometimes that means out loud. Dissecting these atoms of information and as soon as I FINALLY get to the middle. Shaken. On lonely ground. Profound. The abundance of information down–loaded into sound. Emptiness is what’s in the middle. Is this such a surprise? and if so.. why Hold Card? Why? Is this so different from you or you or myself (I)? So, this puzzle you see. What this is doing to me? Nobody want’s to listen. Everything I’m saying they question. ??? Too deep. Confusing. Rambling.. No understanding what so ever. A closed mind. A program installed in spirals. It was over the moment it went viral.
Now let me put it in a song. I’ll give you just a moment.. a phat ass beat. (Look at yourself) Your singing along. Lyrics that a moment ago.. caused you to frown. Feeling bad about yourself.. gazing down-ward. That’s all I’m saying are words. Only complete difference is my words come in truth. Truth does not lie and at times it can hurt. But, if there were only lies and no truth what then would be honesty’s worth? There is Honor is Honesty. Truth = Love. Love = God. All this YOU taught to me., My aura in life. Everything narrow. Everything right and if I truly live this way. This is the ONLY way to make sure everything will be alright. I believe in you. I trust everything you’ve ever told me. Not a day goes by, Not an hour, Not a minute, Not a second. That I close my eyes internally and feel you. Become you. Live in the mere essence of you. In your love. I view the world with blue eyes. A tint of reflection only felt by you my twin soul for I am you and you are I. Feel me. For I am always with you. My heart is big and if nothing else. Like UP it will lift you. Capricorn babies. Little old souls. Three days and three years. 33 I feel a power ball number manifesting. For money is not the answer. It’s more of a form of cancer. Yet, if treated in just the right way. A nightmare can quickly fade into a gradient disguised blessing. Hmmm maybe that’s why the sky’s gray..? Possibly a form of our Fathers test. Should not be any different from acing all the rest. Character is a virtue. In a virtual world. Imperfection nears devastation.
A catchy beat to help you move your feet and suddenly I got the hottest track on earth. Spitting the same shit.. Dispersing LOVE infusing sound. Adding glitzy diamonds, gold and paper. All a form of mother nature. Justify the over-sized words. That a moment ago threw you into a tailspin of anxious anxiety from insecurities, boredom or fear from my truthful words of what is coming. What is happening and what is near. Just looking out for you. For we are all mirror images and I am just reciting the nerves in question I feel inside you. A five year old pronounces as if nothing. Yet, an intellectual conversation is the basis for a boring, quiet talk.. No drama, no drag, with that gone. Complete loss of swag. Only existing on the account of false self worth. It is you who taught me to slow down, take notes and understand what I even am. To take the time invest in me. Educate and take a stand on my firm beliefs. An earthquake could not shake the foundation of this heavenly premium cement sealed and bonded. Feeling lonely and week is just the bend I need for balance in KNOWING nothing and or know-one can break me. My strength supersedes any seed you try to slip me. I don’t do mixed drinks. Come at me real. Real is what you get. You hear my name.. it’s impossible not too see you. For the wind is picking up. I’m here to carry you through. I love you. I love you. I love you. (.3.)x11= (?) The rest of the world in question.
Hopes & Dreams – Prayer Request
♥ Master Plan ♥
♥ Great Health physically & mentally.
♥ To be Happy & fulfilled with & by myself.
♥ To practice my mantra: Honesty, Discipline & Confidence daily.
♥ That you bless my relationship to bring us closer/deeper as best friends and my Husband.
♥ That you bless us with Healthy children & a Strong Solid Family.
♥ That you continue to bless me with people in my life that are Positive, Compassionate & Helpful.
♥ That you bless me with making Wise decisions.
♥ That you bless me with Patience, know how and discipline to clean up my credit & to live debt free.
♥ I pray to you to be able to travel and experience other countries and cultures to help expand my mind and to appreciate life as-is right now.
♥ I pray to for consciousness’ to start living in the now and to truly help me let go of the past.
♥ To be better dog Mom & Appreciate & Treasure him more.
♥ To be a victor & not a victim.
♥ I pray to you for a much bigger smaller life.
I Thank You for answering my prayers and making them come true.
In the name of Jesus.
What’s my self-worth? Anything? A quarter. Dollar or two? Accomplishing my dreams? How do you realize your valuable when you have never felt worthy? A penny for my thoughts. A list of everything I’m not. Always black or white. Like what’s black is wrong and what’s white is always pure and right. And I’m the one in question? Am I someone you would want to invest in? Break down after break down. Triple A canceled. Feeling like a clown.
I really want to believe. I really-really do.. Tears running down my face. To so many; I feel as though I’m a disappointment, disgrace. No more family functions. The dysfunction inside of me I can not control. Broken and bruised. Years of abuse. This is not my excuse. This is my way of letting go. The only therapy I can afford. The past is the past. It can not be changed. Not a single soul I place blame. Every single experience I fully accept. I have hit rock bottom↓ Dejavu of what to expect. A wreck. My life. No liability. In the process of trying to get things right. Dissecting the meaning of value. Not quite ready for an appraisal. Steamed and squeaky clean may reduce my value.. Grit and grime line my eyes. Who I am. Where I’ve been. Caught in the middle. The constant riddle of life all alone. Only I can decide.. the true value of all that’s inside. I want to say priceless I really-really do. I’m breaking down again. Rambling in rage. I’m so confused. I mean, what value do you place on you?
LESSON: Your attitude sets the stage. So, act right.
Twelve years later…
An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.