Gotta post something..

Gotta write. Gotta wrap my head around the truth of what is happening before my very eyes. My energy is zapped and and I seem to be having a difficult time typing.. tears in eyes. Focusing on other objects, books, words, and smiles.. Sometimes I have to ask myself if this blogs truly worthwhile.. I miss everything! I miss the sky being that perfect shade of blue. Since you’ve been gone It will not shift from this awful gloomy gray to baby blue eyes “Truth” blue.

For you are I and I am you. Mirror image. Flickers of light guide me to answers through the night. In my dream state is where we most relate. Sweaty palms.. for I am being guided. I’m not hiding. I’m ready and willing for this never ending Godly feeling. LOVE. You have enlightened me. In ways that you may not realize that may take years to see.. and yes you shall see. The blessings you’ve bestowed upon me. Right now I am staring at a jigsaw puzzle that has left me nothing less then puzzled. Angry in such a way any; everybody would agree to muzzle -ME.

Opinionated and tempting to  be the quiet girl at the same time. An oxymoron. However in my eyes. Fully Justified. From the outside looking in I look as though I’m a crazy woman. Truly mad. I’m just processing, De-fragmenting and thinking. Sometimes that means out loud. Dissecting these atoms of information and as soon as I FINALLY get to the middle. Shaken. On lonely ground. Profound. The abundance of information down–loaded into sound. Emptiness is what’s in the middle. Is this such a surprise? and if so.. why Hold Card? Why? Is this so different from you or you or myself (I)? So, this puzzle you see. What this is doing to me? Nobody want’s to listen. Everything I’m saying they question. ??? Too deep. Confusing. Rambling.. No understanding what so ever. A closed mind. A program installed in spirals. It was over the moment it went viral.

Now let me put it in a song. I’ll give you just a moment.. a phat ass beat. (Look at yourself) Your singing along. Lyrics that a moment ago.. caused you to frown. Feeling bad about yourself.. gazing down-ward. That’s all I’m saying are words. Only complete difference is my words come in truth. Truth does not lie and at times it can hurt. But, if there were only lies and no truth what then would be honesty’s worth? There is Honor is Honesty. Truth = Love. Love = God. All this YOU taught to me., My aura in life. Everything narrow. Everything right and if I truly live this way. This is the ONLY way to make sure everything will be alright. I believe in you. I trust everything you’ve ever told me. Not a day goes by, Not an hour, Not a minute, Not a second. That I close my eyes internally and feel you. Become you. Live in the mere essence of you. In your love. I view the world with blue eyes. A tint of reflection only felt by you my twin soul for I am you and you are I. Feel me. For I am always with you. My heart is big and if nothing else. Like UP it will lift you. Capricorn babies. Little old souls. Three days and three years. 33 I feel a power ball number manifesting. For money is not the answer. It’s more of a form of cancer. Yet, if treated in just the right way. A nightmare can quickly fade into a gradient disguised blessing. Hmmm maybe that’s why the sky’s gray..? Possibly a form of our Fathers test. Should not be any different from acing all the rest. Character is a virtue.  In a virtual world. Imperfection nears devastation.

A catchy beat to help you move your feet and suddenly I got the hottest track on earth. Spitting  the same shit.. Dispersing LOVE infusing sound. Adding glitzy diamonds, gold and paper. All a form of mother nature.  Justify the over-sized words. That a moment ago threw you into a tailspin of anxious anxiety from insecurities, boredom or fear from my truthful words of what is coming. What is happening and what is near. Just looking out for you. For we are all mirror images and I am just reciting the nerves in question I feel inside you. A five year old pronounces as if nothing. Yet, an intellectual conversation is the basis for a boring, quiet talk.. No drama, no drag, with that gone. Complete loss of swag. Only existing on the account of false self worth. It is you who taught me to slow down, take notes and understand what I even am. To take the time invest in me. Educate and take a stand on my firm beliefs. An earthquake could not shake the foundation of this heavenly premium cement sealed and bonded. Feeling lonely and week is just the bend I need for balance in KNOWING nothing and or know-one can break me. My strength supersedes  any seed you try to slip me. I don’t do mixed drinks. Come at me real. Real is what you get. You hear my name.. it’s impossible not too see you. For the wind is picking up. I’m here to carry you through. I love you. I love you. I love you. (.3.)x11= (?) The rest of the world in question.

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Hopes ♥ Dreams – Prayer Request

Hopes & Dreams – Prayer Request
Master Plan
²°¹¹

Great Health physically & mentally.

To be Happy & fulfilled with & by myself.

To practice my mantra: Honesty, Discipline & Confidence daily.

To deepen my relationship with the Lord & make him apart of my everyday life & choices.

That you bless my relationship to bring us closer/deeper as best friends and my Husband.

That you bless us with Healthy children & a Strong Solid Family.

That you continue to bless me with people in my life that are Positive, Compassionate & Helpful.

That you bless me with making Wise decisions.

That you continue to bless me Daily with Strength, Love, Confidence, Direction, Passion, Spirit, Energy, Persistence, Patience, Courage, Integrity and Guidance.

That you bless me with Patience, know how and discipline to clean up my credit & to live debt free.

I pray to you to be able to travel and experience other countries and cultures to help expand my mind and to appreciate life as-is right now.

I pray to for consciousness’ to start living in the now and to truly help me let go of the past.

To be better dog Mom & Appreciate & Treasure him more.

To be a victor & not a victim.

I pray to you for a much bigger smaller life.

I Thank You for answering my prayers and making them come true.
In the name of Jesus.

Amen

Penny for my thoughts

What’s my self-worth? Anything? A quarter. Dollar or two? Accomplishing my dreams? How do you realize your valuable when you have never felt worthy? A penny for my thoughts. A list of everything I’m not. Always black or white. Like what’s black is wrong and what’s white is always pure and right.  And I’m the one in question? Am I someone you would want to invest in? Break down after break down. Triple A canceled. Feeling like a clown.

I really want to believe. I really-really do.. Tears running down my face. To so many; I feel as though I’m a disappointment, disgrace. No more family functions. The dysfunction inside of me I can not control. Broken and bruised. Years of abuse. This is not my excuse. This is my way of letting go. The only therapy I can afford. The past is the past.  It can not be changed. Not a single soul I place blame. Every single experience I fully accept. I have hit rock bottom↓ Dejavu of what to expect. A wreck. My life. No liability. In the process of trying to get things right. Dissecting the meaning of value. Not quite ready for an appraisal. Steamed and squeaky clean may reduce my value.. Grit and grime line my eyes. Who I am. Where I’ve been. Caught in the middle. The constant riddle of life all alone. Only I can decide.. the true value of all that’s inside. I want to say priceless I really-really do. I’m breaking down again. Rambling in rage. I’m so confused. I mean, what value do you place on you?

LESSON: Your attitude sets the stage. So, act right.

Flow

Twelve years later…

An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing  for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.

Is it our limited time?

For some reason… I’m making it very hard for you to love me. What all am I doing so wrong? Shall we make a list of all the wrongs you see in me? What keeps you from connecting your eyes with mine? Is it our limited time? I know I’m all over the place. Shaking our foundation like an unexpected sink hole in our soul. I’m so sorry to bring you added pressures. Added pains. It’s never intentional.  My love levels never questionable. I lost myself in you. Beautiful beautifully you. Faded in your eyes? Just wanna be your girl.. and you my guy. What happened to us? Are we going to make it through? The constant bantering left me all bruised. So long life’s been on cruise – control so hard to let go. Holding on to every memory, last word in sync syllable for syllable. Come back to me. There’s enough in me to fight for you. If you need to lay it all out for me I’ll listen again. I’m strung out on love and your coldness has stung me intravenously in my soul. Grab the jumper cables. Enlighten me. Energize me. Don’t let me go. It’s a really bumpy part in our ever-changing windy winding road. We have been on this journey with one another constantly doubting and questioning each other. Please stop asking me for my plan. Make one with me. I’m not letting go. You belong to me. Your not going anywhere. Your stuck you see. Surrender completely to me and just… love… me. Unconditionally today and always…

Massive Oil Nightmare

 According to rear adm. mary landrey us coast guard. Crude oil in no way has made it’s way to Florida’s key west. Even though crude oil lumps continues to show up on land. But, in no way possible was that particular oil from the catastrophic bp spill? Is’nt spill a slight understatement? Personally, I think it’s insulting! Wildlife dying.. Business’s failing, And that’s just the beginning. Keep reading. 

My question to you., Humans I share my world with. Earth to all of you?!? Wake the hell up. Do you trust what you are watching and being told to be true? Do you believe this coast guard lady has any iota as to what she’s talking about? Reporting to you? I again am infuriated by all of this ignorance. Guessing games, tinkering with God’s work. Truly unbelievable. Destroying our entire world. The smartest brains here on earth can’t figure out how our heart begins to beat or how to fix this massive oil nightmare. We could go deeper.. Shall we chat about the brainiacs that came up with setting the oil on fire? Of course not. We don’t want to continue bringing attention to our rapidly depleting ozone layer because to so many humans global warming is still fiction in your small bubbles. Update your software folks. Your still operating on a commodore PC with dial-up. Time to step it up. You’re at the right place. I will lace you up so tight. You will need to grab your inhaler. Soon realizing.. You are alive and breathing. Toughen up. Don’t email me with any whining. It’s not becoming of you. Need some Splenda? I don’t sugar coat. Not ever. There’s no time. Time is of the essence. So, this is about as sweet as it’s gonna get. 

Stop. Close your eyes.. For a moment think about Walle the Disney film. Now, remember all those lazy humans/(sheeple) who were completely oblivious to anything other than their own minute bubble. Okay thank you. You got the visual. Now wake the fuck up! Or.. Not. Stop complaining. Your just making noise. Pretty soon I’m sure in the near future I’ll be able to sue you for that too. 

Broken heart

I wait in my car. Heated leather seats. Purebred 1000+ plus dog in my passenger seat. Sky roof.. nice gentle breeze. I can’t help but feeling three eyes gazing at me. I glance back making sure not to stare. This man lying in the grass. Peace & freedom line his face. Nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. Just one old plastic bag in stow. I look again this time a little harder.. I can’t help but stare as he appears unaware. All alone.. Under this tree. Feelings and emotions fluttering inside of me. Salt & Pepper stringy hair. Cowboy boots must be as old as him. As the soles are gone and what’s left of them wearing thin. I will not cry. This man gives me strength. I love this man. Yet, I know nothing of him.

An angel maybe •Absolutely a possibility. Through his eyes lye another world. Where is this man? What conversation is playing in his head? Tonight when I go to sleep in my warm bed. I will pray for this man. I ask that you join me and do the same.

It stats with you.

I get out of my car. Looking effortlessly cute today. This man sees me approaching.. clearly neither knows what to say…. only God could have put these extra flip-flops in my trunk. He does not want them. Thank you anyway. I force myself to continue to say.. I know looks can be deceiving .. But, when I say I understand I truly do. You see my heart is broken and you have inspired me just by being you. So brother of mine. Possibly from another life time. I’ll set these right here and here is  a few dollars to buy yourself a meal. God Bless is all I can say. This man is shaking before my eyes. DO NOT CRY ∞ DO NOT CRY I say to myself.

He smiles as big as he can still shaking shoes by his side, money in hand. Lord this is a good man. I do not know your future plan. Or even understand the current. But.. I just pray that he will be blessed with happiness as great as his smile was for me.