Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM

Need to start writing again.. My end of the evening cleanse. Like journaling.. writing to ALL of you is a true form of therapy. Venting. Breathing through my pen. Letting you in.. Instead of just expecting you to understand.. why it’s taken me so long to come back.. Reflecting on my most intimate moments. Refueling your love. I miss your comments.. Must keep this blog running. Solid. No cracks. So, you ALL continue to show love and have a reason to check back. Check on me.. No more holding back.. No matter how HEAVY life continues to get.. I shall never forget. ALL the love. ALL the support. ALL the feedback. Reminders. Fuel for court. I have shut down again in a sense. Moving ultra fast. Different location. Everyday new destinations. Attempting to fit as much as each new day allows. No longer stopping long enough to write about what happens on my journey of my daily prowl.. Becoming as direct as Simon Cowell. I blot my forehead after HOT yoga with a downy softened towel. Stopping to write means forcing myself to rethink , relive, re-breathe the pain I just exhaled. Moving onto the next obstacle, next step keeping my stamina for what I know is coming next…

I close my eyes in hopes to forget. Push aside.  No more puff puff pass.. to subside the anxiety lurking inside. If I stop to explain I mean say.. anything about any I mean ALL of it.. I may just possibly sink quicksand deep. With no coming back. Because……………………….. I’m tired. I truly am. I arrived here.. to what feels like a whole new planet.. Instantly to massive wait. I came ready for battle. As if I were conditioning for Kuwait. BAM, BOMB, HATE, FATE, State of disaster, Fast. FasT, FASTER! One thing after another. CONFLICT. Mishaps. Compiling. Merging disasters! Passing by mirrors. I don’t recognize this girl. Only reacting to smoke signals. Everything most important. Love potent. Directing me. Through feeling, desire, GOD. Time moving FAST. No moment appears to last. Replaced by Rage. Igniting to flames carried along in the wind. Love conflicted with Sin. Stretched…. ALL the way out. THIN. In weight as in wealth. Gaining richness as in health. I bide my time. Needed. De-pleated. Sucked empty. Manuka honey. I find very little funny. Serious as I want to be. I AM energy. Resourcefulness enough to lighten up a mood. Brighten up a room. Flip you like a light-switch your attitude. Smiling with sincere gratitude. Blessed, Happiness, Luck, Joy I exude when I AM ON. off I shut down when I am alone. Calming my inner soul. I speak to my Grandpa with such.. clarity. Crisp clear words flow from my lips. I practice patience where he lives. I am forced to slow down . Becoming.. gentle. Docile with a fiery inner strength. I choose my words with great care. I do not curse. I feel blessed beyond words to have this time. As time is limited. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime and into the next. I keep my telephone near. To hear the calls I anticipate daily. My daily bread. Lifelines. Hanging up recharged. In bed at night I say my prayers. No-longer picking up my pen. Feeling power in my prayers. My God. Granting my desires. Forgiving my sins. Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM.

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LOVE

LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out.  Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be.  There  is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy,  my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes..  On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?