on tilt

Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly  washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.




I’m hungry. F#%$ that.. I’m starving! Give me a beak. Give me.. a break off that kit kat bar. I’m here. Seasoned. Already a believer in erratic behavior I find normality in.. a computability factor in the honest abrase.. kinda like apol ½ an apology.. still cracking up off fucking Charlie Sheen.. The reality that comes from dealing with hypocrisy on a rock star level. Hair messy, uncombed-disheveled.. Major money monopoly game. SANE is what they question ? I stand / Team Sheen. I ((SEE)) the Matrix code. dark matter code.  Mathematics ALL the same. Suffering is suffering. Life is a lesson. The game is testing your programmed physical being. Daily. On visible shades of LIGHT. Creating shades of darkness and purchasable false light down the street on Rodeo Drive. Charlie called them on their shit.. Or shall I say.. lack of it. Common ignorance. Lived in Hollywood Bliss. Michael J. Fox clause deserves an applaud. Pay the man. Wave your flag. Egos controlled. Fully contained. That makes them MAD (personal inferior shame)  Same time making Charlie LaUgh… AhAHA HA HA… I hear him roar. These poor poor.. afraid paid off souls.. Charlie watches them sadly.. As he lets them go.. (((You can’t save everyone))) I say subliminally.. sending brainwaves south through  the valley, Camarillo, Calabasis, and on too Sherman Oaks.. the truth has released you.. their is “KNOW” turning back.. The sheeple are entombed. In their bubbled worlds of Planet Mes. Some designed by Rachael Zoe , show bubbles desperately trying to get picked up by OWN, anything Oprah, Harpo.  Blinded by their PREprogrammed state of existence. No interest on furthering their mental education. So, when one does. They can not understand and cower with the others. Pointing there fingers. Shame Shame they signal with their lifeless hands. I see right through.. Is it a gift? No.. You wish. I won from the beginning. My little sperm was a swimmer. I AM a lotto winner. Winning is what I do. Who I AM. My DNA tigerblood laced.  WINNING  blood. W – Positive = equating.. Downloading.. Updating.. Re-Programing.. Status: COMPLETE = LOVE ↑ the answer to any and ALL questions above. World are you listening..?

The Answer: LOVE. Write it down. Cut and paste. You should not have to.  This comes from deep within. If you sit still. You will feel/hear your next clue. Pay attention. You have the power. Each and every one of  “U”.  As, The world eagerly watches life play out. Sitting back eating pretzels, now on lays… Passing personal judgments on Charlie getting laid. Are you serious? I mean for real..? Over half America medicated on happy pills. Who gives one the right to pass judgment on your fellow sisters and brothers? Where is your hand in love? Your understanding..? Your compassion? Your Un-Understanding? Bottom line Love? Where do you stand? How do you feel about this human being? This father? This son? This man? Who’s made you laugh a time or ² ½.. Or maybe just recently. With his boldness. Realness. Quick wit with a clever edgy twist.. (Yes, silly! I’m talking about Mr. Charlie Sheen..) I know I’m not the only one he is entertaining.. I’m not laughing at him. I’m laughing with him about ALL of them. This has been cracking me up. I’m Team Sheen. Like, Charlie I already WON. I’m seriously on board. I see he’s no games. This is life.  A game I’m already playing. @CharlieSheen Playing his cards.. Similar to my style of play. It’s on. Game on. Let’s play! I’m ALL in. This is a WIN WIN situation. Social Media Intern.. Hmmmm I have done many things. Used to call myself a Jill of  ALL trades.  Now I know better I AM the Queen of  ♥’s. That is what makes me different. I was born with a Golden Heart. Let’s do this! Let me know when your ready for me to start?

Life less interesting..

It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.

Shhhh it’s me..

Hello world it’s me.. battered, shattered, still standing, strong as steel and.. yet  alone.

Well, here I am. It’s me. I most always have a lot to say! As of today… It’s just all about saying it the right way. If there ever is a right way..? Is there? Or do you not just say it.? People have a hard time accepting the truth. The truth will truly set you free!
There is so much more to come.. Thank you for subscribing to my blog. You probably will not be disappointed. However, there are times when you may want to be sitting. So, you do not get blown away! xoxo me

Everyone (seriously) asks me this same question…? “Who are you Hold Card?”  Well… I am on my journey figuring that out myself actually. Do you ever really know who you are? Can you find yourself? I believe so. With time. With ??? That is the part I’m still missing.

It’s me here, just me.. Maybe not the same old me.. A mix of sorts. A little girl (trapped in this woman’s body), A sexy ass woman (trapped in this scared little girls body), A crazy impatient oh so loving and loving so hard and so real that I am completely out of control most of the time.

I LOVE loving. I HATE losing. Especially someone. Every someone is the something that continues to make “me” want to continue to wake up and breathe day after day. Yes, that for me is also a challenge. As of right now..

Maybe I don’t want to make myself known.  Maybe I’m not ready.. Maybe you already know who I am. Maybe, just maybe… I am just so tired.. and want to speak freely, openly about the catastrophe of this thing we call life or some the Matrix.

The one thing I do know for sure is.. my reality is so real. That all I can do is to give it to REAL.

Going through changes

Changes are happening and I am so afraid. I can pull the covers over my head. But, when I awake guilt stricken at the loss of another day. This nightmares not going to go away. I’m conscious and in denial at the same time. If I could make just one wish it would be to rewind the hands of time. Then all wrongs could be made right and this sometimes depressing memoir I wouldn’t have to write.. I’d probably be in Africa taking pictures of giraffes and stuff in safari khakis singing, dancing, acting a nut. Living the real me. Not under twenty-four hour scrutiny of the pure irony of each and every misery held in contempt. No one to talk to. Nowhere to vent. Damaging our health. Depleting ourselves. Let it out. Let it out! Sometimes it takes a shout or two. To release my inner demons. My rage is off the rictor. It’s making me sicker than I was before.

FUCK I thought I already closed that door. Two dead-bolts and three master locks. My own locks been hit. Picked. Aware and conscious. Obviously asleep at the wheel. Should have set the alarm. Oh yeah..  (virus protection canceled).