An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… why?

Pouring down rain. Flooded in pain.. Attempting to let things go.. The more I try to forget.. I find myself drowning in a puddle.. back again in the middle of a hell storm. When I say it’s coming down. It’s pounding pound for pound. One minute I’m up, next I’m down.. Here we go again round in round. I’m all wound up. Yet, losing juice fast. I’m tired of ALL this shit. Ready to roll. Tired of fallin-IN. Boy, what does one do? This is quite the predicament and I sure as hell am more than frustrated. No fancy codes, dialects or encryption to break through.. I’ve felt a lot of things. Emotional experiences have tested me on every single level. Where I am right now. Looks completely dark. I no longer see or feel my shadow. You would have no clue as to who I am. A ghostly shadow.. overcrowded and lonely as ever.. I’m spinning fast. A top on glass.. How long is ALL of this drama going to last? Raw. Real. Guts exposed. Weakend steal.  Yeah, I know this is not happy or positive.. I’m sorry for getting ALL heavy with ALL of this. But, right now this is how I feel. Broken, sad and lonely as hell. Breakdown number one million. Before I get to forty.. Maybe, I’ll get to a trillion. I need me back. My heart is racing. My feet are pacing. Anxiety pills in combination. Too high-strung for current meditation. My heart is breaking. Is anyone out there? I pause to wipe my tear. A moment of silence for what I feel. I have a hell of a story. I feel no joy. I feel no glory. I need a change. Something fueled by love. No involvement with negativity, dramatics and pain. I need a change. I need some help. I need a friend. I need myself.. This too shall pass.. Hold Card it’s just the Holidays.. I gently remind myself. It’s your first year around.. ALL alone. No movement. No sound. What am I celebrating? Why do I care.. I do.. I don’t.. Just one of these nights. An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… Why?