My nervous system. Very nervous. In a matter of 15 minutes. Apprehensive. Life suddenly appears fuzzy. One hour ago everything in me seemed swarovski clear. Now my eyes a flowing stream.. every-time I get an airbrush tan I seemed to stain my cheeks. It’s been months since I’ve swam in this deep sea. Tears flow like a silent film. My wish I could take it still by still. Airbrush the nightmares and curdling night terrors. Pause frame to cradle my fears. Like serious I go to change the song. Something more upbeat. I can’t feel my heartbeat. Frozen accepting the choppy channel. Surrender I can not. I’m not ready and for that I fight. I could take on water and drown. All the weight I’ve gained. Healthy and UN-pained. Insanity at bay. Appetite now gone again. Gone with the wind. Take out those double zeros from that salvation army bin. Chin dragging. Tripping over untied combat boot straps. I need a moment. I gotta step back. I have taken on a whole lot. Battle fields. Gun shy wounds. Bruise after bruise. Suicidal fumes. I made it through. Still waters. No doubt I’ll bounce back. But, I got an overweight monkey on my back. Heart beating way to fast. Almost welcome a heart attack. Roller coaster off the track. Living out of boxes yet they only see my Savannah smile. My pain written in words. I write in ghost. I once eagerly said ditto. Now I sit silent. Watching. Praying. Contemplating.
My hand do I finally fold? Only hold card knows. All in on a bluff. Tired. Tournament duration. Decade plus. Am I living to my full potential? Am I doing what I love? If I could be doing anything would I choose hush? Or… Rather singing hush little baby don’t say a word mommas gonna.. do Nada cause a baby I chose not to birth. My living nightmare here on planet earth. Will haunt me for this lifetime of mine. Still searching for my lifeline. Option off the table. Solo movie nights. Late night pillow fights between my broken heart and teary eyes. ALL believing I’m healed and fine. My bedtime story titled me chaos complimented with polar shifts my soul adrift. My grandfather his star my guiding light. Full moon. Quarantined to my room. Energy in negative. My clients deserve exuberant magical gravitation. I need an emotional vacation. To gather myself. Recoup. Regroup. Bury this pain deep. Brick by brick. Padlocked. Super-glued in stingy tears.
I check.
Memoirs of a Mastermind 