Phone Check √
Heart wreck. Quick recover. Freak
undercover. Four-play. Argue ALL day. Emotional display. Clarity. He instills in me. #1 concern ME. He loves me. He loves me I think.. a lot. Yeah right. He loves me most. No question. ALL-in love. Close overdose. No I guess. No hesitance. No I suppose.
A complete YES.
He holds my heart next to his. In his chest. Heartbeat. Sound check. My safe place. My save face. He is home. Intertwined bodies through a wormhole. Connected souls. Through prison phone. Everything about everything. He knows. Ruler of right. Apology of wrong. Forgiving of ALL. My obsession. ALL or nothing. He adores me. He glorifies me. Our love-story out does any movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so surreal. Outsiders think it’s make believe. He is the man. MINE. I’m not jealous I’m territorial with Mine. I am his lady. His partner. Significant other. His queen. His wife. His bitch. His baby. He knows my triggers and wholly accepts me as me. My off the chart level of bipolar crazy. He rubs my ass and spanks me. HARD. Over fifteen years he’s fluent in my DNA genetic matrix chart. He knows my favorite cock-tail. A splash of cream. I scream as he sedates me with his tongue. His voice. His words. His energy keeps me forever young. I age backwards. Zero to a Hundred in .2 seconds. He tranquilizes me in one sentence. Hypnotized. He always brings me back. That is a fact. Even if it causes him to almost break his back. His little monkey always attached. Needy. Greedy. He rarely complains. But, in an instant he will attack. He’s my everything. My crooked halo. My golden wings. No question we sold my platinum flawless wedding ring. Attorney fees. Do what we must. It’s ALL or nothing. It’s ALL about us. He calls the shots. Star player. I fully trust. I lust in love. Compulsive crush. Mad and deep. I kick and buck only when my gut flames up. Fire. Passion. I stand my ground. He respects my being. His perfect queen. He straightens my crown. He stands down. His crown jewel. He always listens. My greatest gift. My biggest wish. My absolute. I salute. HIM. I belong to him. I am his. 34.Qh8#. (NO) Stalemate. WIN-WIN. Dynasty.
This has always been an issue. Who? Where? What? Why? My whole life felt by tinges of pain from loneliness. When you have nothing in common with anyone then what? When conversations go in one ear and out the other.. then what? What if you just don’t fit in? I could change who I am by.. interjecting, participating or initiating contact. I then ask myself; Why? Why do I care? Because, in a sense I do. I was programmed to believe I do. Do I? I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. I’m just someplace else. A place very few are. A place many will never reach. A place some care not to reach. I have worked very hard to get here. I have no intention on leaving. (((((This is a place of consciousness.))))) You see, I care about so much. In an extra heavy heartbreaking way. What I don’t care about is drama, negativity, gossip and the latest who-rah. I have always been an old soul on top of growing up extra way to fast. Not many words make an impression on me. Actions so far and few in-between. This is just more time and space for me to get to know me. I refuse to lower my standards. In saying that I am no better than You or You or You. Monetary fulfillment of company to fill open space and silence. Does not last long enough. Everyone is long gone. I sit alone. Systems now haywire and out of space I am. A costly fix and upgrade. Things will be just fine. My own best friend. In need of absolutely no one. My kindness taken for weakness has happened time and time again. Even though I find myself sad. I’m full of love and kind is who I am. I’m back I’ll say again. Conscious of matter dark and light.
*Right now I’m not focused on anything about you. I’m busy brightening my own light. My life just as important. I value my alone time. On another level. To me the rest of the world asleep, disheveled. In months to come life will be completely different. What I’ll be doing. Where I’ll be. Only then will a few select individuals have tabs on me. My flights departing. I checked no baggage. I fly for free. Mastermind. My carry-on (long time companion) and long-long journey await me. Resting up. Yes. It gets rather lonely. It would be nice to have a friend to chat to.. One I could really trust, who really knows me. I need no friends. I need no one. Once again. I have me and I’m sufficient enough for little old me. I can make myself laugh and not at the cost of an others mercy. I can open my own doors and wine. I can make my own toast to happiness and health and lite. I pray to God to surround me with extra angels to fill the empty space in the room. I spend my days and nights alone. I’ve been blessed with an extraordinary amount of time for growth. Others may one day catch up or not. My whole life has been very much alone. You may think well that’s the sheer beauty of technology and the telephone! Only in my case.. The phone rings and anxiety sets in. Because it’s not just us. This is the government’s idea of justice. Tapped lines. Listening in. Play back after play back. Thousands of hours later. They really think they know you then. With every inflection. Every personal disappointment documented. Played back to whom ever at their discretion. So, I unplug the line. Get back to that feeling of feeling fine. Cleanse my mind. From feelings of anger and frustration from federal violation after violation. “My monies on me; Give me a year.” I say to myself. This current life of mine shall be shelved. You probably wont know. I can only imagine where I’ll be. How much more I’ll have grown. A blossoming flower. Extremely unique. Value unknown. The presence of love. Potent. Overwhelming in every way. Intricately detailed in every possible way. I fit in right where I am. I’m in love with myself and if I say it enough one day it will really sink in. Tonight’s about filling the sink hole in my heart. It was me who moved away. Distance has opened my eyes. I am your girl. Your mine all mine. In my thoughts.. Preparing dinner alone. I light the house with candles. God is with me. The weight is lifting. He will not give me more than I can handle. I am in control of myself and in my lane. Say a prayer. Pop a pill to ease these anxious pains.
LESSON: I AM. I CAN. I HAVE. I WILL. (mantra)
Twelve years later…
An inner secret most quietly kept. An inner longing that makes no sense. Do or Don’t. Back and Forth. Where we went wrong. Fresh tears. Same dance. Same song. How many more years will I prolong this desire inside of me.. Trying to work on my time. An unattractive controlling habit of mine. Realizing that this does not always work. Stacking my deck. Attempting to interfere with Gods work. Days turned to weeks turned to months. Years have now passed. New generations growing up fast. Hesitantly still praying for my chance.. Unsure of how long this feeling will last.. It comes and it goes you see. My strengths tested daily. The state of the world making me that much more afraid. I won’t even start about the pain! Soon all turns to shame. Arguments arise and then words reignite flames and here starts this never-ending cycle of our mentally depleting blame game.. Pain no more. Nothing to gain from hurt-fullness.. (in truth) the devils madness. Deep in shadow, lies secretly just the longing for a gentle kiss that will lead to your seed.. A privy glimpse of the hit or miss of my most intimate monthly business.
I am God.
Today I will be handling all your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time not yours.