Penny for my thoughts

What’s my self-worth? Anything? A quarter. Dollar or two? Accomplishing my dreams? How do you realize your valuable when you have never felt worthy? A penny for my thoughts. A list of everything I’m not. Always black or white. Like what’s black is wrong and what’s white is always pure and right.  And I’m the one in question? Am I someone you would want to invest in? Break down after break down. Triple A canceled. Feeling like a clown.

I really want to believe. I really-really do.. Tears running down my face. To so many; I feel as though I’m a disappointment, disgrace. No more family functions. The dysfunction inside of me I can not control. Broken and bruised. Years of abuse. This is not my excuse. This is my way of letting go. The only therapy I can afford. The past is the past.  It can not be changed. Not a single soul I place blame. Every single experience I fully accept. I have hit rock bottom↓ Dejavu of what to expect. A wreck. My life. No liability. In the process of trying to get things right. Dissecting the meaning of value. Not quite ready for an appraisal. Steamed and squeaky clean may reduce my value.. Grit and grime line my eyes. Who I am. Where I’ve been. Caught in the middle. The constant riddle of life all alone. Only I can decide.. the true value of all that’s inside. I want to say priceless I really-really do. I’m breaking down again. Rambling in rage. I’m so confused. I mean, what value do you place on you?

LESSON: Your attitude sets the stage. So, act right.

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Is it our limited time?

For some reason… I’m making it very hard for you to love me. What all am I doing so wrong? Shall we make a list of all the wrongs you see in me? What keeps you from connecting your eyes with mine? Is it our limited time? I know I’m all over the place. Shaking our foundation like an unexpected sink hole in our soul. I’m so sorry to bring you added pressures. Added pains. It’s never intentional.  My love levels never questionable. I lost myself in you. Beautiful beautifully you. Faded in your eyes? Just wanna be your girl.. and you my guy. What happened to us? Are we going to make it through? The constant bantering left me all bruised. So long life’s been on cruise – control so hard to let go. Holding on to every memory, last word in sync syllable for syllable. Come back to me. There’s enough in me to fight for you. If you need to lay it all out for me I’ll listen again. I’m strung out on love and your coldness has stung me intravenously in my soul. Grab the jumper cables. Enlighten me. Energize me. Don’t let me go. It’s a really bumpy part in our ever-changing windy winding road. We have been on this journey with one another constantly doubting and questioning each other. Please stop asking me for my plan. Make one with me. I’m not letting go. You belong to me. Your not going anywhere. Your stuck you see. Surrender completely to me and just… love… me. Unconditionally today and always…

Waiting password protected at the gate…

Years of ignorance. Outsiders looking in. Excitement and bliss ruled my sound world. Internally conscious. This took me my whole life. All the pre-programmed desires of needing to be a ridiculously financially secure mother and always desireable, adored wife and truly believing that was my “completion” in life. Now what do you think? Breathe, Hic-Up, Blink. Thoughts become reality (everything around you started with a thought). With the realization I truly am from another galaxy. Perfect as is? Yes & No. Defragment needed. Uninstalling this corrupted software often referred to as spyware. The very virus that quickly activates death-ware.  Stare yourself in the mirror. Look beyond the glaring insecure stare. Don’t stop. Trust. Focus. Quickly all becomes clear. Doubled. Freedom in air. Don’t break your concentration. So much deeper to go. You’ll know when you’re in stereo.

Not your average girl. Not just a trophy for show. Stop for a minute. The power with in me is on overflow and releasing uncontrollably for the Gods have taken control of me. Externally a vision. Jaw dropper. Car stopper. Moon walker. Any hacker could not stop her. You got her (×2). Reboot your system. Rethink your vision. With your eyes you’ve witnessed gusts of winds to a steady ocean floor. Even with poked out lips and baby baring hips so phat her heart remained yours. Energy level inside her you judged to quick. System crash. Zapped. Nothing left. Zip.

Never. Just, taking my time quietly kept.

In most real form. Priceless intruety. Respectfully internally. Blessed externally. Compatibility: Twin software you manifested titled “me”…. With all this… ignorant heartbreaking thing we title “bliss”  Defragment because you want to. I crashed my system and the rebuilds taken longer than expected. Kindness forgiving disrespect. A hold card never second guesses her place or dare ponder the thought of locked souls and pad locked gates. Learn me. Become fluent. My desires have changed. I no longer need any twenty-million dollar estate. I’m perfect as is at my teeny tiny not so usually generous so forgiving succulent desirable irresistable mouth-watering ridiculously perfection of shape.

I’m waiting password protected at the gate. P.S. Hurry up. Quit being consciously late. Upgrade?!?

© memoirs of a mastermind 2010