Pouring down rain. Flooded in pain.. Attempting to let things go.. The more I try to forget.. I find myself drowning in a puddle.. back again in the middle of a hell storm. When I say it’s coming down. It’s pounding pound for pound. One minute I’m up, next I’m down.. Here we go again round in round. I’m all wound up. Yet, losing juice fast. I’m tired of ALL this shit. Ready to roll. Tired of fallin-IN. Boy, what does one do? This is quite the predicament and I sure as hell am more than frustrated. No fancy codes, dialects or encryption to break through.. I’ve felt a lot of things. Emotional experiences have tested me on every single level. Where I am right now. Looks completely dark. I no longer see or feel my shadow. You would have no clue as to who I am. A ghostly shadow.. overcrowded and lonely as ever.. I’m spinning fast. A top on glass.. How long is ALL of this drama going to last? Raw. Real. Guts exposed. Weakend steal. Yeah, I know this is not happy or positive.. I’m sorry for getting ALL heavy with ALL of this. But, right now this is how I feel. Broken, sad and lonely as hell. Breakdown number one million. Before I get to forty.. Maybe, I’ll get to a trillion. I need me back. My heart is racing. My feet are pacing. Anxiety pills in combination. Too high-strung for current meditation. My heart is breaking. Is anyone out there? I pause to wipe my tear. A moment of silence for what I feel. I have a hell of a story. I feel no joy. I feel no glory. I need a change. Something fueled by love. No involvement with negativity, dramatics and pain. I need a change. I need some help. I need a friend. I need myself.. This too shall pass.. Hold Card it’s just the Holidays.. I gently remind myself. It’s your first year around.. ALL alone. No movement. No sound. What am I celebrating? Why do I care.. I do.. I don’t.. Just one of these nights. An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… Why?
A star is born
Your right here with me. In the making..
For quite some time.. A star was forming.. absorbing.. more and more light.. carbon minerals and magical insight.. now this star is born and can no longer hide her light. This star is me and I AM him; as he is I. Together we are the brightest star in the night sky. Blinding sunlight causing Achoo’s warranting Bless “you’s”.
Seasons Greetings
All I want for Christmas.. is YOU! You. You who? You know who.. This Holiday stuff is rough.. Even me, difficult time with my usual bluff.. PUFF.. PUFF… PUFF away the heaviness and sadness. Away in the manger, drift in the wind. Another day, another hour. My heart, my head same place. Constant movement. Tailspin. Sporadic, constantly obsessing about ALL of it. What, why, where.. How, who, WHY… When? I look to the moon. For it is the same everywhere. Nightlight of ALL sky’s.. I love to watch its nightly changes. Shape-shifting night after night.. Full to crescent effervescently caressing my ♥ and shoulders while calming my chaotic mind. Hello, earthling.. Together again. Could be nearer then then. I miss you.. monsieur.. Back to life. Back to reality.. Has been the true test for me. I’m not doing so well. I’m scattered ALL over. Magnet is dull and having difficulty pulling together. Vigorously sharpening, shaving and shading. May, look as if I’m doing nothing.. But, being so bogged down has of lately had more lows=slow=friction= Updating still processing the mass of information. My everyday life looks like a Five Star vacation. Dream destination. Ocean reefs, Pristine sheets. Never know what side of the bed I may wake up on.. Turbulent winds settled with cotton candy sunsets, †nightly prayers† for understanding and forgiveness.. I mean I have stumbled, taken many falls.. But, this one takes the cake. This is the finale, grand daddy of them ALL. I need you in my life, I need me back to.. Life has been incredibly dark. There is still light at the end of the tunnel, fractal, funnel, Cake. I get it. I relate. Growing up has not been a lot of fun.. But, there are days and moments that have made it worth it. There is still fight left, Insight brightly lit. Lots to live for, many roads, paths, many, many doors. Christmas is about Family. That feeling you get. The bond that even with loss of eyesight.. So, magnetic.. You could never forget. DNA we know so little.. There is however a magnetic pull that holds as ALL together. You know what I mean.. The fragments, magic, feeling of bliss and serenity.. aka FAMILY.
We ALL feed off each other. Some days breathe for each other. That will never stop. So, many things I see that make me think of you.. Endless memories.. That have left me smiling. Unconfused.
So, I ask again. I say it out loud! I scream it!!! From my lungs.. Know that your loved. Missed.. Wanted. Needed. Thought of every second of every day from the miscellaneous fragments of your scattered DNA. I never like the idea of the Holidays being about what you may score. Breaks my heart.. To see people work so hard and sit back and do nothing because we know not what to do.. so we shop, spend money we do not have.. to release our inner demons on gifts we can’t afford. But, then we witness the smile.. We get the look of happiness, that makes ALL worthwhile. I’m reprogramming my thought process.. I no longer want be a Scrooge about the madness of Christmas being just about gifts. Because, that’s not who I am at ALL. I love every part about it. From the neighborly Holiday cheer, to the peppermint twist in my morning mocha, falling asleep to lit up palm trees and fresh scent of pine.. The little things bring me so much joy. There is gift I place on this page for you.. 
A piece of my ♥ A part of U Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa! Glory to YOU!
THANKFUL FOR..
Many things to be thankful for. My table remains unset. My special china remains in a dark basement. No reason to send for.. Nobody to set the table for anymore. 
As you give your Thanks.. on this American holiday. Eyes closed. Hands held. Saying grace. Be thankful for ALL you have. ALL you are. Surrounded by love. Imagine sitting alone. In your home. No delectable smells of comfort. Only you. In awkward discomfort. Life is far from okay. These days have always added stress, uneasiness left feeling incomplete. I’m miserable right now. Sad.. Unsure.. about almost everything. What to cook.. What to eat.. No turkey losing their life for me.. Nope not going to happen. Warm up something in the fridge.. Make some stuffing..? Mac & Cheese.. Just me. Don’t need meat just cause it’s Thanksgiving.. I’m thankful for today. My family and.. even ALL the pain.. Creating change. I do NOT understand. But, it’s almost killed me. Doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Giving me a true near death experience. Grabbing tight to my sisters for strength. Praying they are still there when I awake. I don’t want them to watch me break. I’m supposed to be setting an example. More like an example of what and who not to be. Wish I could close my eyes and wake up the day after Thanksgiving. But, life does not work this way.. So, I ask you.. My friend Please say a prayer for me as you bow your head. Thank you. I Love you.. Please have a blessed Holiday celebration. Amen..*
LOVE
LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out. Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be. There is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy, my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes.. On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?
Memoirs of a Mastermind 