Planet WIN

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SNAP Yep, I did that. It was bound to happen. Am I surprised. Not even a – dash – Fuck this ignorance and smash negativity in its tracks. Yes, in my home that is a fact. I think probably in Charlie Sheen‘s home too.. As a matter of fact.. WINNER! Just felt the need to do that.. (Mental reminder to myself ← I have been ↓overloaded↓ for sometime. I have asked for help. Sweetly, screamingly. I have said (((ALOUD))) if something does not give.. My heart will make its rift. I’m not a kid. I’m a grown ass woman. I have done ALL I could. Taking from myself and Masterminds books. Look Not trying to be hurtful. Cruel intentions are not what I’m about. But, I’m bleeding daily and I have to help myself. I can not continue to do for you and you and you and you and you. Physically and mentally I am bruised. ALL shades in every crevice. Written ALL over my face. My body rigid at the thought of a fake embrace. I’m dealing with real shit. Real life. Court case after court case. Yes, it’s taken a toll. I see the broken blood vessels that line the eyes on my face. My smile gone long ago.. To the world I look like an abandoned glass house. No-one home. Telephone talker I AM not. I live in ((stereo)) downloading, updating, UP↑grading daily. Please, don’t be mad or sad.. Because You and I are on different levels. This feeling is sublime.. Intoxicating.. Magnificent. INCREDIBLE. Purely magical.  To know the truth and accept the truth will surely set you free.. Well, I can only speak for me. See you on the winning side. Ta’ Ta’ for now!  see ya.. I can’t wait! Ciao.. Bella.. (just always wanted to say that) ALL my love to “U”. Do it! Do it! You can.. Just walk through. Ahhhhhh…. See I told you! But, better yet. You allowed me to show.. you.. “U” (niverse).

Planet WIN
Planet WIN

Thank you God and Goddesses..

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Thank you God for waking up today in peace.

Thank you God for my shower with HOT water.

Thank you God for my safety while in the shower;  The feeling of knowing I will not be raped. I am safe. I fear not being bombed. THANK YOU GOD I say to “U”..

Thank you God for the comfort of my Mother. Sharing our day together..

Thank you God for my niece’s personality sure to turn any frown upside down.

Thank you God for the blessings of my sisters and brothers.

Thank you God for my legs and allowing me fresh clean air while I walk my Dog to-day in safety and in awe of ALL your beautiful creations.

My internal thank you.. I say in whisper and feel with the passion.. of a Revolutionary Egyptian. Δ

Life less interesting..

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It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.

The Inevitable

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I am officially at a loss. Lost cause. This time won’t you save me. Fuck all of this. Is that my dying wish. My last kiss. Nothing left to give. Nothing left inside. I watch myself disregard my life. Just.. Way too much. Enough is enough. I’m tired. Weakness has prevailed. I sit here dormant. Worthless bitch in true form. Reflection in mirror. I can barely look. I look and say what a waste.. A fucking disgrace. I belong nowhere. I have nowhere to go anyway. I gave up that life. A someone close to me would say. Another pathetic personality.. Yeah, yeah. Poor poor me. It’s more than that. I would not be in this position if my heart was not trampled upon. How long shall I prolong the inevitable. Insanity you ALL say. Whatever it is… Disregard me. Throw my memory away..  like garbage. I can’t take this shit. I’m serious. Did the best I could. No more empty promises for what’s coming next. Turn me into a diamond when the time comes. Remove ALL my flaws, rudeness, roughness and recent disgustness. I have been here over 30 years. I have done over half of them in tears. In ALL bed alone. My brother once said to me.. Well, rather showed to me my tombstone..  Same name.. Resting in 2011. Well here you are. Just continue to leave me bruised, battered and scared. I’m tore up. Tore down. I wear a permanent frown. I don’t recognize me. I know longer want to be with this girl you see. I don’t need her, you or anyone. I hear from somebody different every single day. It was only a matter of time I’d to be infected. Taken over my mind. Heart no longer working.. Only bleeding pain.  Built around me reinforced walls of hate. I don’t expect anyone to relate. You will not get near me. I awaken alone. Done with the phone. No company. Not interested. In you looking at me passing judgment upon me.  Like Whoopi recently said “In my world experience trumps assumption”. “Blow me a kiss. Say your goodbye. Save your tears. I have mine as wipe a single tear from my left eye.

Happy New Year!

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Happy New Year to me and happy is my #2 priority. I want to smile in 2011. I want to crack up laughing over absolutely nothing. I want to kill the world with kindness especially when my attitude is slipping toward anything but kind. I want to love until I overflow and have strength to refill others and naturally reload. I never again want to feel so dark, empty or unsure. This is 2011 I’m sure. I’m ready. let’s go. I’m blessed. I’m lucky. I’m healthier then some and like others have work to be done. I’m ready to start living. Having fun. Cautiously. Just because it’s a New Year my same rules still apply. You see these are encoded in me. No expiration. No maybe after an evaluation. No New Years play dates. I listen as I hear gates.. Open and close. I watch and wait from a quiet distance. Quite contrary in my personal cozy sanctuary. Temp exactly how I like it. 81° panties just enough. I chill out and puff. Happy to have been out of ALL the lost souls madness Back to back police sirens. Not for me. My car remained parked. New Years Eve sparkled from my crystal tears. Meditating on blessings. Thank yous.. Bless you’s.. No guess what and no guess who’s. Drama free. Half full. Control steady. 2010 tried to get the best of me. I left it in the dust. No questions asked. You can keep the reward money. I’m not your honey.. I’m taken. 2011 under siege. A healthy balanced year. Sage removing toxins from the air. Mood consistent. Steady. Energy high. Grinding. Doing mine. Love is my basis. Every choice accounted for. I watch as I try every door.. Open-ed time and time again.. I had an opportunity I was to immature to see. I was just a baby.. My mind calmly decides on the path of our life. I’m ALL in. Ride or hope not die! I choose life!!! FYI

To a magical New Year!   First resolution.. LOVE above ALL others.