Day Dream

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Do I care if I die..? Really..
I find myself asking myself this ALL the more often.

Most days.. I don’t think I do.
Most days.. I’m so beyond tired. I feel ready. Like hurry up won’t you already!

Heavy heart. Emotions tearing my insides apart. How much more I continue to wonder while I wander can this body take?

I watch myself deteriorate. Broken. I can never be fully repaired. These are more than war wounds. These are raw wounds of despair.

I look around for someone to grab hold to.. I quickly realize it’s only I on this ride. I circle and circle, up, down loop around. It’s quite a vicious cycle.
To the point of no return forces me to want to quickly recycle my carbon body and articles of doom. I look everyone in their eyes. I look deeply. Fascinated by ALL they hide.
I read them. I write them.
I relate. I look to life, late.
Is it fate?
Would you care? Do you? What would you do to get through?
Have you? I ask..
A lifeline perhaps?

MASTERPIECE = ME

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Sunny outside. Severe anxiety inside. To balance my emotions I close ALL curtains and blinds. Hiding from the light. Balancing myself in darkness I sell myself on the idea.. That I am just fine. Know-one really knows me. Just the idea of what they’ve built me up to be. I may be a little like her.. But, overall more of a stranger dealing with constant paranoia sending warning signs of DANGER. I pass a mirror.. Second glance. Stranger in my house. Distance growing.. Phone ringing. My insides screaming!!! WHAT??? NOW??? WHY….? HOW???

Home-bound loss of control. Steering wheel coated in honey.. leading me wrongly. Control/updating… files. Uninstalling/Miscellaneous energy sucking pop-ups. Everything HUSH HUSH on the down low.  ALL trusting the the dark winding road. I got GOD in my passenger seat. I’m never riding solo. Checking handles for open doors.. A cracked window. Just trying to get ahead.. Methodically, logically. Forget ³ steps ahead. At this pace I’ll end up dead. More like ten. I plan to WIN. One step at a time equates to.. too much idle time. An enemy of mine. I need to feel the pains from my hustle, shin splints, migraines. Restless leg syndrome from constant Grinding.. Legal documents binding. Major things happening. Literally designing a Picasso masterpiece from my life lessons of tsunami waves. Personal, mental breakdowns and meltdown. Sending shock-waves ALL the way back to the town. Leveling out to a category three catastrophe.♥I LOVE ME♥ ANYTHING AND ALL AFFILIATED WITH ME. Shine with me.

No more pain.  Please God make it go away. Foundation unsteady from ruptured love. God brings me back.. Holds me up..↑ Tips the cup.. Whispers in my ear “Don’t give up.” I got you love. . Suddenly the ocean calms. Rainbow sparkles.. Where did I go so wrong? I snap back to I.. Then hear again.. The past has past. Breathe Let go.. Breathe.. love Daddies here.

The pain shall dissipate.. Believe and wait.

For when the time comes you’ll be the first to know. For now my Dear Daughter, Sit back and watch yourself GROW. Look at yourself. I can vividly see your halo giving you that gorgeous golden glow. Your my daughter. I made you to perfection. This is something you should know. From a Father to a Daughter. I designed you just as you are.

You have downloaded a virus. Uninstall. Quarantine. Do as I say; Listen to me. You have been blessed with a case of consciousness. An abundance of information I see your processing. Unsure what to do with..

I am here holding your hand. Trust me. Next to you is where I stand. Your Father. Your #1 Man. I got this. I make the plan. Together as 1 we make this happen. I see the Masterpiece. It’s YOU. Standing right in front of me. Open your eyes.. My baby.

Manifest..ing a healthier life for me..

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On my bed I sit and wait for a sign of something great. I pause.. I sighhhhhhh….. Exhale.. (blink a crystal tear from my eye) BREATHE out ALL the old stagnant energy bloodsucking the life out of little tiny me. Ahh… as I invite new life and light into me.

The road turning every which way, through door after door, plane, automobile and train. This journey is meant for walking slowly taking my time.  One step at a time. No yellow brick road to follow.. Being a follower you end up swallowed. No bread trail.. to find my way home. For I AM God and God is I. Conscious that an ocean front home does not qualify.. just because of luxurious address. Anxiety and sadness every month the first comes.  Home is where  I am any moment in time. Home is love. Love has forced me to reevaluate my entire life. Pace my grind. ALL the while keeping my rpm in mind.

Life Line “GOD” I frequently call upon.. My forever unbreakable bond. More intense than a Bond girl. I’m far better than that.. I’m God’s girl. My dependable father.. I love you above ALL others.

Waiting on directions. Ready at ALL times. So, much sadness controlling a vast part of my life. I need you to fix this. I need your help. S.O.S. I wave my flag.. I sit patiently and wait for Dad.. God you are grand. I feel you grab my hand…

I’m open for suggestions.. I was nearly ready for Dr. Drew! But, like “Charlie” says I’m not bipolar I’m bi winning.  I’m trusting my intuition. I’m trusting “U”(niverse).

ALL of you. I’m letting you ALL in. I was ALL in when I started this. I’m loyal bitch. A rarity. I get this. If I could have three wishes… I would start with these Mega Millions riches. Enough paper to actually in ALL actuality TRUE reality set some things right. I AM a lotto ticket. I AM the prize. WINNER

So, starting with wish #1 I wish I may I wish I might..receive from you < these Mega Million WINNING numbers tonight! I love you.. God Bless and Good night.

WINNER

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WINNER
WINNER

I’m hungry. F#%$ that.. I’m starving! Give me a beak. Give me.. a break off that kit kat bar. I’m here. Seasoned. Already a believer in erratic behavior I find normality in.. a computability factor in the honest abrase.. kinda like apol ½ an apology.. still cracking up off fucking Charlie Sheen.. The reality that comes from dealing with hypocrisy on a rock star level. Hair messy, uncombed-disheveled.. Major money monopoly game. SANE is what they question ? I stand / Team Sheen. I ((SEE)) the Matrix code. 2.0.2.0 dark matter code.  Mathematics ALL the same. Suffering is suffering. Life is a lesson. The game is testing your programmed physical being. Daily. On visible shades of LIGHT. Creating shades of darkness and purchasable false light down the street on Rodeo Drive. Charlie called them on their shit.. Or shall I say.. lack of it. Common ignorance. Lived in Hollywood Bliss. Michael J. Fox clause deserves an applaud. Pay the man. Wave your flag. Egos controlled. Fully contained. That makes them MAD (personal inferior shame)  Same time making Charlie LaUgh… AhAHA HA HA… I hear him roar. These poor poor.. afraid paid off souls.. Charlie watches them sadly.. As he lets them go.. (((You can’t save everyone))) I say subliminally.. sending brainwaves south through  the valley, Camarillo, Calabasis, and on too Sherman Oaks.. the truth has released you.. their is “KNOW” turning back.. The sheeple are entombed. In their bubbled worlds of Planet Mes. Some designed by Rachael Zoe , show bubbles desperately trying to get picked up by OWN, anything Oprah, Harpo.  Blinded by their PREprogrammed state of existence. No interest on furthering their mental education. So, when one does. They can not understand and cower with the others. Pointing there fingers. Shame Shame they signal with their lifeless hands. I see right through.. Is it a gift? No.. You wish. I won from the beginning. My little sperm was a swimmer. I AM a lotto winner. Winning is what I do. Who I AM. My DNA tigerblood laced.  WINNING  blood. W – Positive = equating.. Downloading.. Updating.. Re-Programing.. Status: COMPLETE = LOVE ↑ the answer to any and ALL questions above. World are you listening..?

The Answer: LOVE. Write it down. Cut and paste. You should not have to.  This comes from deep within. If you sit still. You will feel/hear your next clue. Pay attention. You have the power. Each and every one of  “U”.  As, The world eagerly watches life play out. Sitting back eating pretzels, now on lays… Passing personal judgments on Charlie getting laid. Are you serious? I mean for real..? Over half America medicated on happy pills. Who gives one the right to pass judgment on your fellow sisters and brothers? Where is your hand in love? Your understanding..? Your compassion? Your Un-Understanding? Bottom line Love? Where do you stand? How do you feel about this human being? This father? This son? This man? Who’s made you laugh a time or ² ½.. Or maybe just recently. With his boldness. Realness. Quick wit with a clever edgy twist.. (Yes, silly! I’m talking about Mr. Charlie Sheen..) I know I’m not the only one he is entertaining.. I’m not laughing at him. I’m laughing with him about ALL of them. This has been cracking me up. I’m Team Sheen. Like, Charlie I already WON. I’m seriously on board. I see he’s no games. This is life.  A game I’m already playing. @CharlieSheen Playing his cards.. Similar to my style of play. It’s on. Game on. Let’s play! I’m ALL in. This is a WIN WIN situation. Social Media Intern.. Hmmmm I have done many things. Used to call myself a Jill of  ALL trades.  Now I know better I AM the Queen of  ♥’s. That is what makes me different. I was born with a Golden Heart. Let’s do this! Let me know when your ready for me to start?