Many things to be thankful for. My table remains unset. My special china remains in a dark basement. No reason to send for.. Nobody to set the table for anymore. 
As you give your Thanks.. on this American holiday. Eyes closed. Hands held. Saying grace. Be thankful for ALL you have. ALL you are. Surrounded by love. Imagine sitting alone. In your home. No delectable smells of comfort. Only you. In awkward discomfort. Life is far from okay. These days have always added stress, uneasiness left feeling incomplete. I’m miserable right now. Sad.. Unsure.. about almost everything. What to cook.. What to eat.. No turkey losing their life for me.. Nope not going to happen. Warm up something in the fridge.. Make some stuffing..? Mac & Cheese.. Just me. Don’t need meat just cause it’s Thanksgiving.. I’m thankful for today. My family and.. even ALL the pain.. Creating change. I do NOT understand. But, it’s almost killed me. Doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Giving me a true near death experience. Grabbing tight to my sisters for strength. Praying they are still there when I awake. I don’t want them to watch me break. I’m supposed to be setting an example. More like an example of what and who not to be. Wish I could close my eyes and wake up the day after Thanksgiving. But, life does not work this way.. So, I ask you.. My friend Please say a prayer for me as you bow your head. Thank you. I Love you.. Please have a blessed Holiday celebration. Amen..*
Category: Thoughts
LOVE
LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out. Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be. There is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy, my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes.. On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?
Gift of family
The gift of family. How are you chosen? Or.. were they? Curious how we ALL end up together. Blessed oh yes I AM. Sharing our hearts, enveloped and intertwined by the divine. A family bond continues to gain strength even within our darkest hours. 
God holds the power and guides us through-heartbreaking affairs that turn our insides black, purple & blue. Heads held high. In need of motivation. Look to the sky. Comfort in knowing.. I’ll see you again. So many questions??? So, many whys..? So, many insecurities.. So many tear-drops dropped from so many eyes.. This ALL must stop. For some time now.. I’ve been living on the edge. Staring down the drop. Daring myself one minute to jump and begging myself and God for me to.. NOT. I absolutely can not. I absolutely (free) will not. This madness. Crazed craziness must come to a halt. Right now. No doubts. I’ve passed the tests; while at my bottom. Unrecognizably shattered and done with broken promises of what should have been. My tests are done and my “true” family passed every one of them. I know who is in my corner. I know where I can pull strength from. I know from what areas to stay clear. Not in fear of being shunned. But, where I could take this conversation. Which I already have. Hurt me. Made me teary eyed.. Still so sad. Skeletons out. My closets cleaned and uncluttered. My words were my memories. Raw emotion. Heartfelt. The damage was done. There was no liability. Now, I have full coverage with ALL the extras. My heart is mending. I will not suffer in past miseries. Everything is out. Not my intention to crush feelings. In my astronomical black hole masked and filled. A hover craft covering my heart and soul. Heart mass producing at nano speeds 98% hold on me. I was near death. I’m no longer looking back. Don’t even want to talk about it.. That was then. This is now. The pasts the past. But, did you really believe you were going to receive an ALL access pass? Of judgment why yes you did. You shall answer to God. As I was just a kid. Just about over “you(s)” the ones whom must continue living with what you did. No more dark alleys for me, lights are on. Heavy surveillance LED. Watching you. Watching me. Look inside you to understand what went wrong.. It’s not too late. Make a therapy date. For I forgive. Forgets a work in progress..
November Morning..
Good morning virtual family.. Yuck at my new coffee creamer flavor.. pumpkin spice.. Not feeling this at all. Will not let it hamper my morning routine. Thank you Lord for my Hot coffee with cream. Well, November has arrived.. Woke up super early this morning. Rise and shine. Blinds cracked. In came me. Blinded by my own light.. Five am.. I think to myself.. why would anyone at this hour want to exercise?!? I mean I’m up.. Barely wide awake. Window cracked. Freezing from the chilly ocean breeze.. ALL I can think about is coffee inside me. Where’s my robe? Some-type of heat! Burr! I don’t function when I’m cold.. Joints getting old and stuff. Listen to me complaining. Oh boy.. Life’s so rough!
Well.. Happy Tuesday! Let’s see what I can get accomplished. I AM so behind! Like Alice’s rabbit.. I’m late! I’m late! I’m late! Have so much to do. Trying to still enjoy the moment. It wont last long.. Once it’s gone.. It’s gone.
So, for right now.. This Tuesday morning. I’m going to catch up on some replies.. Make a couple of phone calls.. Eat something.. Walk the beach! Well.. we’ll see on that one. Depends how much energy I have left.. After I cross some of this stuff off my ever-growing list.. See you later! Time to get started..
TrueLife ∞ SoulMates
2 feel connected as 1 ∞ Moment of solidity.. A magical reminder of why I’m traveling down this road. Because, it is a choice and to ALL of you one day it will ALL make sense. Why I’m here. What I’m attempting.. ALL in the name of LOVE.
I met him so long ago.. a BRIGHT and sunny day. Big HUGE sunglasses hiding my face. Dusty truck in need of suds and some serious elbow grease love.. Their he was.. nurturing his so so shiny drop-top. Oh my my.. Who is he…? Jet black hair with flawless caramel skin. Light green–blue eyes oh my.. OH MY.. say.. it isn’t so! This dudes fine as hell and.. Oh sh*!# I just derailed. Literally off the track. My knight and shining armor, Prince of piercing looks.. euro-ess-ness with an unknown edginess.. Hmm… He’s got me completely out my box. Back in my head.. deep in thought. Perplexed. Mr. Gorgeous. Hmm! I mean.. Mr. Mysterious just happens to also be a romantic.. fine diner.. race car driver.. door opener.. poker competitor.. intellectual Oh no. No way! This is not plausible.. Not in my back yard.. Right here ALL along. This is it…! This is the moment. (my inside voice attempting to awaken my inner me.. tickling my insides.. reminders in disguise ALL telling me.. this is him.. this is love.. together again as 1) Back in real light.. I look to myself in my rear-view.. Who is this guy? and what is he?…? Cuban, Persian.. Colombian..? Maybe Syria.. Combination of ALL? Hmmm whatever, whomever.. here he is.. (TALL dark and handsome) guiding me through this drive-through car wash (modern-day fractal or wormhole).. Time elapsed this was our connection. Our free-fall. Another encounter, chapter, incarnation, magnetic vibration formatting LOVE. 
DING! DING! There’s the bell.
For me; Life has never been the same. Yep he found me that day. Long long ago.. he promised me somewhere.. someplace… we would be together again someday.. someway.. he would find me. Manifest me into creation and on that blustering snowy December evening.. The wind was roaring. I was formatting.. it’s chill was comforting. The sky’s sparkled. The air was crisp with a hint of vanilla-lavender-coco Chanel ish scent.. Mmmm…
DOWNLOAD: complete
ALL this.. many moons ago.. the Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ butterfly’s Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ never left my tummy.. happily fluttering.. in love ♥ like the very first telephone call… in my grandparents kitchen, I closely listened. We planned our next encounter.. Gravity took over, Best-friends and lovers.. Beginning on a hot spring day.. beginning of May.. My path was laid.. I have climbed and crawled. Been drug while kicking and screaming obscenities with displeasing psychotic behavior from my own insecurities, bad programing, misleading interpretation of my lost misconception of my idea of love.. and here He is. programmed with compatible software under a custom created exterior. Pre-programmed with patience and ALL my missing components, virus defenders and ALL access passwords.
We have just advanced to the next level. ↑
This is my destiny. This is our fate. True-life ∞ Soul-mates. Right on track. Thanks for jogging along with me.. I enjoy the company.. as of right now.. Life can get a little lonely.. We got time. Time is one thing we do have. Hope to make the best of it. Give him lots to come home to.. Make him proud as freewill in hell. So upon you I cast a love spell.. I AM the potion and to “YOU” I pass the goblet. I hold on tight to my kingdom, smile (sword) and gauntlet.
Good night.. TBC
Memoirs of a Mastermind 