It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.
Category: Thoughts
The Inevitable
I am officially at a loss. Lost cause. This time won’t you save me. Fuck all of this. Is that my dying wish. My last kiss. Nothing left to give. Nothing left inside. I watch myself disregard my life. Just.. Way too much. Enough is enough. I’m tired. Weakness has prevailed. I sit here dormant. Worthless bitch in true form. Reflection in mirror. I can barely look. I look and say what a waste.. A fucking disgrace. I belong nowhere. I have nowhere to go anyway. I gave up that life. A someone close to me would say. Another pathetic personality.. Yeah, yeah. Poor poor me. It’s more than that. I would not be in this position if my heart was not trampled upon. How long shall I prolong the inevitable. Insanity you ALL say. Whatever it is… Disregard me. Throw my memory away.. like garbage. I can’t take this shit. I’m serious. Did the best I could. No more empty promises for what’s coming next. Turn me into a diamond when the time comes. Remove ALL my flaws, rudeness, roughness and recent disgustness. I have been here over 30 years. I have done over half of them in tears. In ALL bed alone. My brother once said to me.. Well, rather showed to me my tombstone.. Same name.. Resting in 2011. Well here you are. Just continue to leave me bruised, battered and scared. I’m tore up. Tore down. I wear a permanent frown. I don’t recognize me. I know longer want to be with this girl you see. I don’t need her, you or anyone. I hear from somebody different every single day. It was only a matter of time I’d to be infected. Taken over my mind. Heart no longer working.. Only bleeding pain. Built around me reinforced walls of hate. I don’t expect anyone to relate. You will not get near me. I awaken alone. Done with the phone. No company. Not interested. In you looking at me passing judgment upon me. Like Whoopi recently said “In my world experience trumps assumption”. “Blow me a kiss. Say your goodbye. Save your tears. I have mine as wipe a single tear from my left eye.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to me and happy is my #2 priority. I want to smile in 2011. I want to crack up laughing over absolutely nothing. I want to kill the world with kindness especially when my attitude is slipping toward anything but kind. I want to love until I overflow and have strength to refill others and naturally reload. I never again want to feel so dark, empty or unsure. This is 2011 I’m sure. I’m ready. let’s go. I’m blessed. I’m lucky. I’m healthier then some and like others have work to be done. I’m ready to start living. Having fun. Cautiously. Just because it’s a New Year my same rules still apply. You see these are encoded in me. No expiration. No maybe after an evaluation. No New Years play dates. I listen as I hear gates.. Open and close. I watch and wait from a quiet distance. Quite contrary in my personal cozy sanctuary. Temp exactly how I like it. 81° panties just enough. I chill out and puff. Happy to have been out of ALL the lost souls madness Back to back police sirens. Not for me. My car remained parked. New Years Eve sparkled from my crystal tears. Meditating on blessings. Thank yous.. Bless you’s.. No guess what and no guess who’s. Drama free. Half full. Control steady. 2010 tried to get the best of me. I left it in the dust. No questions asked. You can keep the reward money. I’m not your honey.. I’m taken. 2011 under siege. A healthy balanced year. Sage removing toxins from the air. Mood consistent. Steady. Energy high. Grinding. Doing mine. Love is my basis. Every choice accounted for. I watch as I try every door.. Open-ed time and time again.. I had an opportunity I was to immature to see. I was just a baby.. My mind calmly decides on the path of our life. I’m ALL in. Ride or hope not die! I choose life!!! FYI
To a magical New Year! First resolution.. LOVE above ALL others.
Dear God..
Thank you for Blessing me with an incredible man. A truly remarkable human being. I am so proud, humbled, grateful and fortunate to share my life with such an amazing person. ←I believe in you ↑ I do. Because, but not only because. “U” niverse) knew exactly what I needed. “U” granted my passage. ALL access. My king, Soul Mate, Daddy, Best-friend, Lover, Husband. One man to fill ALL roles. These are no easy shoes to fill. “U” granted ALL my wishes. Truly listened. Sent me an angel.. To tame the HELL out of your winning mustang race horse. You sent him to me.. to Love him. Learn from him. Ride with him. This is the ride I’m on. 10 years strong. An eternal outer body experience next level bond. Girl I AM YOURS. Mind. ALL mine. However long. Building character, foundation strong. ALL gold. No lead. He is home and I AM E.T. Meant to be.. I just wanted to Thank You My Lord for reuniting us in our physical earth bodies. Madly, Passionately is the love I feel. Overflowing out of the openings in my body. The Trinity. The Holy Grail. I hold my ♥ very carefully as I tear through.. Tread ever so carefully. I love this man. Through you ↑ I know how much he loves me ↔ Adores me. Still gets excited to score with me← Yeah, that’s me. Incredibly magnetic forces of energy. Choices. Made together. We made a deal. A pact. A contract. Plea deal. On my behalf.. Oh Heavenly Father Please help us through. No matter what. We have each other. No more wrong turns. Back alley tire burn.. Marks. √ing out. Closing ALL doors to the outside world. 24hour LOCK DOWN. We share the same moon. He gently gives me a nudge. Not a judgment. But, something more thoughtfully thought of. Mass of energy. Years of listening. Verbal kissing. My answer to any equation. I dream of the day again.. to be in his form again. I so madly miss him. Kissing him. Please promise you’ll bring him back. I believe you will. You sent him once. I believe in “U”. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I’m suffering so.. Empty nest syndrome. My eagles on the fly.. Maybe you can’t physically see him. I have him right here ♥ His third eye always on the prey/prize. I’m ALL IN. Thank you again..
NO PRESSURE NO DIAMOND
Pressure the weight of the world. Shoulders burning. Stand TALL. Posture direction north↑ BALANCE. Breathe…. inhale exhale ~ Mantra ~ I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING. Continue → on forward. Much to gain. Consciousness and wisdom await. I AM so grateful. I feel everything. A diamond in the rough. Come a long way.
CURRENT STATUS: Polishing.
A worthy investment. Every mind under seize. ¤ A diamond so rare so blinding you could not help but see ¤ Your search continued through prison doors to ocean floors, Argyle Mine ♦ Pink diamond in mind. You persisted through, chisel in hand simultaneously polishing you. Flawless. Uncut. Your edge so sharp taking the chance of collapse. You never gave. You manifested me. Purely created . No carbon copy. Here I am. Cotton candy hue. A star is born. Intensely glittery unlike anything ever seen.. not even from Sotheby’s, Christie’s Or Harry Winston. 2010. Over a decade in. 
Now we are I. COMPLETE transparency. You allowed me to breathe. In knowing smothering would dim me. We bonded. Atom and Eve. We ate the fruit. But, play for keeps. Mastermind. King of my heart ♥ Queen of his. A Royal Flush when we have kids.
Here we stand. Visibility separating us. Dark matter blocked by light. That’s why at 11:33 we shut our eyes, escape this world.. and meet in another place for date night. For just like Cinderella.. our time is limited and morning comes.. we must release. Recharged we reawaken. Back here on earth. Stuck in this day again. Both anticipating 11:33.. A glimpse into him and me. Goodnight.. I have somewhere to be! ZZ zzzZ Zz
Memoirs of a Mastermind 