a healthier life for me..

On my bed I sit and wait for a sign of something great. I pause.. I sighhhhhhh….. Exhale.. (blink a crystal tear from my eye) BREATHE out ALL the old stagnant energy bloodsucking the life out of little tiny me. Ahh… as I invite new life and light into me.

The road turning every which way, through door after door, plane, automobile and train. This journey is meant for walking slowly taking my time.  One step at a time. No yellow brick road to follow.. Being a follower you end up swallowed. No bread trail.. to find my way home. For I AM God and God is I. Conscious that an ocean front home does not qualify.. just because of luxurious address. Anxiety and sadness every month the first comes.  Home is where  I am any moment in time. Home is love. Love has forced me to reevaluate my entire life. Pace my grind. ALL the while keeping my rpm in mind.

Life Line “GOD” I frequently call upon.. My forever unbreakable bond. More intense than a Bond girl. I’m far better than that.. I’m God’s girl. My dependable father.. I love you above ALL others.

Waiting on directions. Ready at ALL times. So, much sadness controlling a vast part of my life. I need you to fix this. I need your help. S.O.S. I wave my flag.. I sit patiently and wait for Dad.. God you are grand. I feel you grab my hand…

I’m open for suggestions.. I was nearly ready for Dr. Drew! But, like “Charlie” says I’m not bipolar I’m bi winning.  I’m trusting my intuition. I’m trusting “U”(niverse).

ALL of you. I’m letting you ALL in. I was ALL in when I started this. I’m loyal bitch. A rarity. I get this. If I could have three wishes… I would start with these Mega Millions riches. Enough paper to actually in ALL actuality TRUE reality set some things right. I AM a lotto ticket. I AM the prize. WINNER

So, starting with wish #1 I wish I may I wish I might..receive from you < these Mega Million WINNING numbers tonight! I love you.. God Bless and Good night.

Life less interesting..

It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.

Where r u?

Dear Daddy,

Where r u? I miss you…. Mommy went crazy and moved us to hell??! My little padded paws are getting burned. I need a pawdicure. Mommy got me some better food. Lots of vitamins and stuff. I think she’s hoping it will balance my mood.. From missing you.. Who is that doggie in the window? That’s me. It’s me.. I like these new kibbles  so much more though.. But, Daddy she never stirs my food up and heats it up in the microwave like you.. She doesn’t play with me like you.. Kinda corny. Between you and me. She has not tried to put to many silly clothes on me here. Thank goodness! It’s too hot for all that.

Daddy, I see your pictures all over. I see all your things.. So, I know you are coming back. I smell you..? Mommy sometimes wears your cologne. She is so silly.. Daddy she even sleeps in your boxer brief’s!  Daddy it’s hard being the man of the house! I just want you to hurry and get home.. Where ever you are.. Rescue me! I’m losing sleep!

ox xoo x



Many things to be thankful for. My table remains unset. My special china remains in a dark basement. No reason to send for.. Nobody to set the table for anymore. As you give your Thanks.. on this American holiday. Eyes closed. Hands held. Saying grace. Be thankful for ALL you have. ALL you are. Surrounded by love. Imagine sitting alone. In your home. No delectable smells of comfort. Only you. In awkward discomfort. Life is far from okay. These days have always added stress, uneasiness left feeling incomplete. I’m miserable right now. Sad.. Unsure.. about almost everything. What to cook.. What to eat.. No turkey losing their life for me.. Nope not going to happen. Warm up something in the fridge.. Make some stuffing..? Mac & Cheese.. Just me. Don’t need meat just cause it’s Thanksgiving.. I’m thankful for today. My family and.. even ALL the pain.. Creating change. I do NOT understand. But, it’s almost killed me. Doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Giving me a true near death experience. Grabbing tight to my sisters for strength. Praying they are still there when I awake. I don’t want them to watch me break. I’m supposed to be setting an example. More like an example of what and who not to be. Wish I could close my eyes and wake up the day after Thanksgiving. But, life does not work this way.. So, I ask you.. My friend Please say a prayer for me as you bow your head. Thank you. I Love you.. Please have a blessed Holiday celebration. Amen..*

Put your high heels on! I want to hear you walk.

Can hear it in my voice.. crickle  cr-ra-c-c-k.., Masterminds got something for me. Always ³ steps ahead.. Before he hears my voice. He already knows.. for he’s in my head. Yep, no doubt. Figured this out days ago.. Poppy already knew. Had a feeling when the last letter I wrote arrived in a BLUE velum envelope; addressed from restless wind.. Not a sin to withdraw.. introvertly • curtly • could careless.. about today.. or taking care of any serious business. “Oh you think not?”  he says back to me.. Poppy was ready for this baby.. Thank you LordOnce again.. You and Poppy got me. Time and time AGAIN…

Got a remedy for you. However, what your feeling inside.. for now, must be pushed aside. Looks can be deceiving.. Yes, this is very true. Even when in deep despair, sparkling tears soon appear. Wisping  away that unforeseen monsoon. Mother-nature taking over bringing flawless clarity to tonight’s starlit sky.. Like fine wine.. Full body. Keeps pleasing.. A sweet teaser to the eye. Shh…  that’s the Masterminds wife.

Immediately I put my high heels on! I say I’m slightly nervous.. with out him next to me.. my personal homeland security.. BREACH!

Hold on.. Mastermind has not gone far.. He is still right here in my mind & & back to me he says… “Feel me. Breathe me. I’m right here baby..You can do this! You don’t even need me. I see you little mama.. Put your high heels on. I want to hear you walkCLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK! Little Mama comin’ for you.. HUSH you got that! Not even knowing eight oh fives been secretly under attack. So, get them high heels on!”

Poppy, even if it’s 2am in the morning??? I’m just getting ready for bed.. brushing my brunette curly head. Thinking about me & you.. Laughing and giggling singing along ² all our sexhilarating songs.. we used to.. ooh & ah too.. Oh am I ever in the moment.. feeling kind of damp. Bout to press print & grab a postage stamp..

Three thirty-three I turn down my one thousand thread count premium satin sheets.. slip into my deep ruby silk gown.. Flowing from the ocean breeze. High Beams. High slit. High enough to easily slide a finger up through two thighs anxiously pulsating at my very sight.. Glowing from the climax building within.. Mmmm Mastermind..


Jewels making quite an entrance. Heavy in weight. Lifting me high. Able to breathe. Take for the sky. Flawlessly beaming with gleam from my light. I’m beginning to drift. High heels on.. In bed.. ALL alone.. Meet you in my dreams. Ready for a pillow fight of your life! Come on.., I got these high heels on! Born ready.. Stay ready. For the long haul. How do you say..? Marathon. Most definitely not a sprint. Not yet feeling the effect from severe shin splints. Feeling like a fairy princess in my creme de la creme Jimmy Choo high-heeled designer shoes.. got me all ready for this stint. In my dreams tonight. I feel you slip them off.. Time Bent.

“I see you little mama. My shining star. Shine baby SHINE. Show them what you working with”.. Thank you Mastermind. I’m here. Shining down. Shining around. Bright as sunlight. Can you feel me? Can you feel me? Rays extra high right now.. Shining strong. Energy and Love shining light extra bright right now. Got my aviator shades & my sky-high stiletto heels on.. right  now.. Confidence is peaking. My walk. Statement enough to call a public speaking. Event. UN-Preventative. I think YES. This is all apart of my personal conquest.  Like Paula says RUSH RUSH. Hold Card discreetly says HUSH HUSH. I’m not dimming my light right now..Silently taking it all in right now.. Finally.. out the dark.. I am able to breathe.. right now. A pure representation of the four C’s right now. Precise Brilliance of the letter IF Z right now..