Life less interesting..

It’s difficult staying positive. Most difficult thing I ever did. My heart is bruised once again.Trusting in others, looking outside myself for a friend. Helpful nudge.. Bitter sweet fudge. Life continues on. I frown at the future. Prolonged pain. For living a life in vain. Eternal pain.. I try to understand.. With every fiber in my being. A no win situation. A battle field of wounded souls. Stolen hearts. From broken promises. Liars, thieves. Each stealing energy from me. I need a gateway. Escape rout. Other than myself… Making the best of this..mind fuck of a bucket list.. nightmare, ongoing hell road. Uphill, tumbling down.. land on a cloud.. Slide down a rainbow.. I WILL NOT HARBOR UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS go away.. bad angel.. Energy level low. Not a standstill. Stay ready to go.

An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… why?

Pouring down rain. Flooded in pain.. Attempting to let things go.. The more I try to forget.. I find myself drowning in a puddle.. back again in the middle of a hell storm. When I say it’s coming down. It’s pounding pound for pound. One minute I’m up, next I’m down.. Here we go again round in round. I’m all wound up. Yet, losing juice fast. I’m tired of ALL this shit. Ready to roll. Tired of fallin-IN. Boy, what does one do? This is quite the predicament and I sure as hell am more than frustrated. No fancy codes, dialects or encryption to break through.. I’ve felt a lot of things. Emotional experiences have tested me on every single level. Where I am right now. Looks completely dark. I no longer see or feel my shadow. You would have no clue as to who I am. A ghostly shadow.. overcrowded and lonely as ever.. I’m spinning fast. A top on glass.. How long is ALL of this drama going to last? Raw. Real. Guts exposed. Weakend steal.  Yeah, I know this is not happy or positive.. I’m sorry for getting ALL heavy with ALL of this. But, right now this is how I feel. Broken, sad and lonely as hell. Breakdown number one million. Before I get to forty.. Maybe, I’ll get to a trillion. I need me back. My heart is racing. My feet are pacing. Anxiety pills in combination. Too high-strung for current meditation. My heart is breaking. Is anyone out there? I pause to wipe my tear. A moment of silence for what I feel. I have a hell of a story. I feel no joy. I feel no glory. I need a change. Something fueled by love. No involvement with negativity, dramatics and pain. I need a change. I need some help. I need a friend. I need myself.. This too shall pass.. Hold Card it’s just the Holidays.. I gently remind myself. It’s your first year around.. ALL alone. No movement. No sound. What am I celebrating? Why do I care.. I do.. I don’t.. Just one of these nights. An inner pillow fight. I lie my head to close my eyes.. Feather Heaven… Why?

Gift of family

The gift of family. How are you chosen? Or.. were they? Curious how we ALL end up together. Blessed oh yes I AM. Sharing our hearts, enveloped and intertwined by the divine. A family bond continues to gain strength even within our darkest hours. God holds the power and guides us through-heartbreaking affairs that turn our insides black, purple & blue. Heads held high. In need of motivation. Look to the sky. Comfort in knowing.. I’ll see you again. So many questions??? So, many whys..? So, many insecurities.. So many tear-drops dropped from so many eyes.. This ALL must stop. For some time now.. I’ve been living on the edge. Staring down the drop. Daring myself one minute to jump and begging myself and God for me to.. NOT. I absolutely can not. I absolutely (free) will not. This madness. Crazed craziness must come to a halt. Right now. No doubts. I’ve passed the tests; while at my bottom. Unrecognizably shattered and done with broken promises of what should have been. My tests are done and my “true” family passed every one of them. I know who is in my corner. I know where I can pull strength from. I know from what areas to stay clear. Not in fear of being shunned. But,  where I could take this conversation. Which I already have. Hurt me. Made me teary eyed.. Still so sad. Skeletons out. My closets cleaned and uncluttered. My words were my memories. Raw emotion. Heartfelt. The damage was done. There was no liability. Now, I have full coverage with ALL the extras. My heart is mending. I will not suffer in past miseries. Everything is out. Not my intention to crush feelings.  In my astronomical black hole masked and filled. A hover craft covering my heart and soul. Heart mass producing at nano speeds 98% hold on me. I was near death. I’m no longer looking back. Don’t even want to talk about it.. That was then. This is now. The pasts the past. But, did you really believe you were going to receive an ALL access pass?  Of judgment why yes you did. You shall answer to God. As I was just a kid. Just about over “you(s)” the ones whom must continue living with what you did. No more dark alleys for me, lights are on. Heavy surveillance LED. Watching you. Watching me. Look inside you to understand what went wrong.. It’s not too late. Make a therapy date. For I forgive. Forgets a work in progress..

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening.

Good Morning. Good Afternoon. Good night.

(Sleep tight.. Don’t let the bed bugs bite! If they do.. Grab your shoe & beat them till there black & blue!)


It’s all about the same. Wake up. Go to bed.

Another day down.  Ready to rest my sleepy head.

I miss him.

He’s not here today, tonight or tomorrow.

I wont be in his arms by next year. Or many after..

Still I pull his energy toward me. Wanting him closer to me.

Missing.. Wishing.. Imagining.. Yearning him

ALL of him. Inside of me.

Desiring me. Confiding in me.

Mentally mind controlling me. From a distance..

Into your little freak. I need you right now.

ALL in Me.

Lost with out you..

2:51 am Slight breeze.. The ocean is roaring.. I have no tears at the moment. No secrets, potions or tricks to pull.. I sit here.. deep in thought. Doe eyed. Sitting Tall. People love to watch you suffer. Wait to see you crash straight into a brick wall. I used to be a sprinter.. I hit rock bottom and now I start all over once again.. I’m currently in the middle of a rebuild.. Far to devastated for remodel. The economy sucks. Effecting most everyone’s investments, accounts and pocket books, beliefs and trust. So, here I am.. repainting the walls. Old fashioned in so many ways.. I’m not to proud to get on my knees and pray; Then moving right along. Gotta have great music on! Makes the job.. more like fun. Scrubbing floors, washing windows, doing the yard, next is the garage, front and back courtyards, balcony and patio, sealing the cracks in the floor. Looking and seeing changing colors and suddenly realize shit it’s already fall! Soon little tricker treaters will be knocking on my door.. Boy my minds sure not on candy.. I’m checking out this growing stack of bills. Life is so full of surprises. Very intense egos, vanity smurfs and wanna be reality starlets and idols. Quit! You know you; yourself have thought about it…? Yeah..  Freedom! Freedom to choose. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to excel to your full potential. The unique creative child of God we all are. Somethings got to give..

I have to make something happen. A miracle. A waterfall of a windfall. Oh how I vision life to be.. So much simpler when you’re not counting pennies for gas or than checking to see if anythings left to get something to eat. I know I got it in me. I know I do.. I Do. I DO! Full of so many surprises, my bright inner light lit, not a quitter. When I’m all in. I confidently back my hand. Even with off suit seven deuce, I’ll play you. I’ll look you in your eyes as if I’m flying high on pocket rockets. Trying to figure me out..? I see you. Not going to happen to soon. I’m a chameleon. I blend in to any scene, situation or conversation. This is one of my most special gifts God’s blessed me with. I may be bluffing some of the way.. I’m a survivor and the objection is to do what I have to, to make it through today. My focus resides on the current. Through this ALL. I’m just brightening my light and soon you shall witness before your very eyes as  my star arrives.

life experiences. Pick a character I bet you I’ve played her too.  My whole life has been a stage and a lot of it I did not act right. I’m here. I’m there. I traveled far and near. I’ve seen so much! No matter where I went. Blessed with some serious contacts, friendships and luck.. My mind was stuck on someone.. That someone is Mastermind. A decade and some later we are still going strong. A serious grip. I will not let go.. I will continue to be here, to fight. To both of us, I say hold on. Unbreakable, Irreplaceable there is Know-one out there that could fill his shoes. Or break our bond. I’m completely loyal, will hold it down and proudly present to him his golden crown in years to come.. He will return.. I feel blessed for that. Some people have to say their goodbyes forever.. and for us we just followed down a wrong road and now must embrace this current endeavor, viewing it as having more time to focus on ourselves each other and the close few we love and trust.  Seasons will change.. Dynastic occasions will pass with less luster than used to be.. Birthdays will come and go.. Time is something you never get back and with mine I shall take full advantage.. Embracing personal growth.. Flooding him with mail in red envelopes =LOVE not making his time hard.   Realizing he needs to focus. The stories are painful. What goes down in their, in the yard.. Breaks my heart. To know the man I love is there locked and shackled behind closed doors. My respect meter if off the rictor and makes me love him that much deeper. I’m lost without him.. But, I bought an LED flash lite and am slowing making my way.. Slow playing.. at a snail’s pace. Hold_Card analyzing every single situation, Checking you out, Intently listening and making my next three moves all the while everyone is chatting, cat fighting, talking about the most current crazy UFO siting.. Oh where do I belong??? Not here. Not anywhere… What do people really think of me? I often ponder on who they really believe me to be..? Just curious at the end of the day.. Not everyone is going to love me. My personality an acquired taste. A rare concoction spicy and raw. Fresh and delectable. Simply irresistible. I have my vices.. I gamble with life, my heart and love. I’m a poker player and I’m just trying to get ahead. To stay above water.. I carefully tread.. I can’t swim and at times I freak the fuck out! My sweet voice occasionally needs a blow out. Or if left un-serviced will either ignite, blow a gasket, fuse or possibly die. In this lifetime. I will look back at this. This very moment. Exactly right now. I will remember this.. I will close my eyes and hear my tummy growl. I will envision all of this as I inhale the aroma from my private chef. I wish to make a difference. I don’t intend the future to be nothing like this. The process of a butterfly.. and soon. Perfection I can’t help. I know what I like and I know what I want. It’s never personal. My movie runs in my head. Thinking about 10,000 things while listening, praying for the passing siren and feeding my puppy dog.. A 24 hour multitask-er. So, much to do.. On borrowed time. Energy is lacking.. Food or gas again? Shoot! I also need toilet paper, tooth paste, batteries and as usual my mind wandering.. (I have to start making my lists) I forget.. Oh yeah firewood..

I’m truly blessed for this allotted personal time for growth.. I can tell you I’m a trip! Slightly unstable in meaning you really never know exactly what personality you’ll get.. In meaning.. I am ALL over the place. One minute I’m up! Cheery with a painted smile brightening the darkness that looms my face. Unsure if you should run.. Head for the hills. Or   If you bet on me.. Believe in me. Can find an ounce of faith to spare me..

Light me a candle at church, Say a prayer for me.. I could just be your personal lottery. Something major is  happening. Taking place before my very eyes. Disguised by nothing but light.. Serious energy electrifys me. So I know that something is cooking.. Smells like my favorite recipe. Just an added dash of this and that.. and poof* the numbers appear. Just – like – that. Manifested, meditated God listened.. Only he knows what I’m made of.