journal

Just be you.  After 30 years I find myself asking myself who am I? Easier said then done. That is what I am trying to do. I just have not figured out who I am. I have been who I thought I was supposed to be. Just relax. I hear him say… Go with the flow. Don’t be so uptight. Stop worrying. If it happens it happens. I have never went by that motto. No, not at all. I am in such a panic. Living my life in why‘s…. Why am I not married? Why am I not a mother. Why am I not successful? Why am I not like everybody else? Why am I so different? What happens if I stop worrying and I wake up at 50 thinking. Shit, I should have made a plan when I was 29. I should have had a child… Or maybe not. I know one thing. I need a change and that change needs to happen fast.

When I was working everyday. I would say to myself. You had so much free available time. You could have done anything you wanted. Yet I didn’t. But, in truth I did not have free time. Because, I was not free. I was held hostage in a prison that I created from fear. Fear of failing. Fear of trying. Fear of disappointment.

In the end you could call them excuses and in all actuality you are correct. That is why I am speaking of what has been going on in my head & not yours.    1:36 am

My divine self. My true self. I stare at this messy house. I long to run away. To where…?  I don’t know. Something new. Somewhere different. Someplace where there is more to life then the monotony of doing and feeling the same day after day.  But, in all actuality and reality. If I were there it may be no different. Because the change must come from with in. I am still in the process of trying to relocate “change” that resides somewhere deep inside me. Come out come out wherever you are.

I say that I am ready. Yet I still live in fear. I am ready. Fear will just have to move aside for a while. I will rely on my instincts. Not my common sense or some say common ignorance. I will come back to that later. Today I feel my ego. My frustration, irritability, anger & resentment set in. But, I do feel how it is not as strong today. Why? Because I am aware of it. I will not allow it to consume me today. Right now. I am only concerned about today. Because tomorrow makes it to heavy. I am on a mission to get my life back. My identity back. My self-worth back and I will.        4:40 pm