On tilt

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could turn back time and make the pain go away. I wish I knew how to calm the storm. I wish us fighting wasn’t the norm. I wish that postman never cut his eyes. I wish I never told Lord I won’t live long and want to die. I wish I never lost control. I wish you never violated me and pressed record. I wish I believed all the Post-it‘s on my door. I wish my heart didn’t break each time you walk out the door. I wish I could hold on just a little longer. I wish my mind could focus and not wander. I wish I knew more about you. I wish you could embrace my racing heart stay home and hold me when I’m falling apart. Wish I could stop adding everything to cart. Smoked so much my brain went dead. Smoked to put me to bed. Wish pone was here and not dead. Wish I didn’t wake up each day overwhelmed with exhaustion and dread. Hard watching you live your life hard excepting I wasn’t enough to be your wife hard watching myself die hard seeing Lord see me cry. Then ask me why? Emotional mess manic mess suicidal stress constant duress. Fortress. Touch and go quickly here and there. No contact no life contracts. No connection. No protection. Alone too much. Made me awkward as fuck. Communication stuck. 19 year rut. Therapy for me. But, not for us. Inter-dependent crutch. Witchery wonder? Poppits help to stop it. Hormonal roller coaster. Premenopausal. I am rypolar. Unpredictable days triggers my rage. Nights turn to days. Haze. Blur. No more allure. No love sick cure. Magic once Pure. Turned to darkness. Turned on myself. I watch myself placed on the shelf. Collected dust. Patina looking like 41 year old rust. Broken promises. Broken trust. Love confused with Lust. I wish I may. I wish you might.. stay your ass home at night. Seven out of seven. Rest my heart from imagining you in heaven. 7/11 runs used to be fun. That shits played out. Change sucks. Change collect. Every penny adds up. 50/50 equal. But, not really equals. I no longer anticipate the sequel. Synergy. Intrinsic intensity my mind played all in tricks on me. Nothing lasts forever. Romantic at heart. My expectation of our love story tore us apart. I belong to know one. I never gotta plus one. Out here solo. Trying to connect with my sun, my light. My right. You watch me like a hawk. Every move I make you squawk. Critique my every move, choices and thoughts. I repped you like no other. Was the hold card in the middle with you and my brother. Trying to explain it all to my mother… RYNOT BMW plates while another man paid the lease.. While it was you I tried and tried and tried to please. I wrote you a thousand red envelope letters. I waited. I came through. Did everything I said I’d do. Loved and I loved.. Deserted me that shit stung. Carried your young. Murder in the first degree, that pro choice decision will forever haunt me. God almost took away my privilege. Advocated so hard. I beat the system. He gifted me a Lord. Oh the greatness he had in store. I want to take him and hide and tell ALL of you to fuck off. He’s Mine. His birth so hard. My favorite visable scar. Birthed a star. Shine blinding. I share him.. reluctantly and freely. . That’s the surrogate part of me. Trying to fit in. Accepting I don’t. System broke. Reprogramming me. Upgrading me. Wiping my system clean. Even when he’s next to me. I miss him. I wait for you to leave to hold him and kiss him. World’s apart. Key jammed. No push start. Nightmares pushing a kart. Unwanted here. Hush sucks the life out of me. Home life got me where I can’t breathe. 41 year old body brings me to my knees. Slow to keep up. Compete <— Not really ever been me. Just want to be silly. Let go. Live freely. Burn sage and incense all day. Ride my wave. Uninstall my rage. Quit being reminded of my craze. Free myself from this cage. Make a worthy wage. Look forward to goals met. Sunsets. Eyes meet. Instantly safe. Taunt you with make me’s… Make your knees weak. Feel your adoration for me. But lately, my heart stopped. Beat so slow I lay my hand on my chest. Deflated breasts. Pulse.. External source. Combination of my Grandpa and Capone charge my soul. I know I’m going to be okay. Even though I can’t delete the words you wish you never had a baby with me. On a loop. Replay. Repeat. Apology made. Virus stays.

One day.. Some days never come. Doing a disservice to you and our son.. if I stay.. I can’t make this pain go away. I can’t live my life in the gray. In the shadows. You can’t see me. Clouds too thick. Food can’t feed me. My soul is starving. You can’t find me. I tried. I cried. Threw a million tantrums. I kicked and I screamed. I broke everything. I tried. I cried. I threatened my life. Multiple times.. Hospitalized. Rx after rx… I continued to whine. While you dined. I suffocated you while gasping for air. I’m losing my hair. Dark circles under my eyes. Face hollow. Ten thousand in fillers. Still can’t look at myself without a filter. Heart dark. No walk in the park. Steps too big. Can’t keep up. Fibroids growing back. Body once again under attack. Freedom awaits you. I wanted attention. I wanted it ALL. Your my addiction. I’m breaking them all. Spiraling. Downfall. I wanted a date. I wanted recognition. I wanted persistence. I wanted your patience. The words repeat in my head. While I lay alone in our empty bed. PTSD do you really wish you never had a child with me? Battle field scars. Think I’d fit in better on Mars. I have to find myself and love you from afar. I’m too knee deep quick sand closing in. Only wanted to be your friend. Get it together. Grow old with you. Hold for you. Freedom papers months away. I’m out your way. Paved the way. I release you. You’ll feel me forever from the wind on your skin. Nice hand..

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