unhappy me

Broken-Queen-20x20cm-playing-card-collage-on-canavas-boardLet me go… Unhappy me. Always dramatic me. Painfully me.

I can’t breathe..

I just need a moment for me. I’m in the business of hospitality, taking care of everybody and can’t figure out the recipe to take care of me. Fuck today I didn’t even eat. (((Repeat)))

I’m screaming help!? Can’t you hear me? You to near me? You no feel me?

The weight too heavy. My hands shaking.. ALWAYS unsteady. Always rushing. Never ready. My body turned on me. My insides in turmoil. Multiple tumors.. growing out of control. My shit looks like old oil. Fuck.. I’ve really done a number on myself.. And thought I had just come from living in hell.. Now I’m stuck here under his spell. Blood drips down my legs. I wear ALL black everyday. Cause of the stains.. From the pain. You watch me spiral. All you care about is your seat. Not me.

Not me…

Delirious. Energy drained.. My son stares at me. Heart strings pulled.. I’m a fucking mess at 39 years old. Exhausted. A life brand-new. What the fuck did I do? Financially fucked. ALL the wrong choices. I need help. Mentally checked out. Verge of a heart attack. Mental breakdown AGAIN. Stretched way too thin. Don’t have it in me to argue with him. What the fuck are we doing? You don’t even like me.. You won’t even wife me..

Everything his way. I have no voice. He goes his way. I go my way. Holidays on his terms. Unsure if we’re celebrating or nah.. No Happy Birthday for me. UNWORTHY

Valentine’s day not acknowledged in any way. No weekend getaways. No date nights. No play days. No flowers. No stability. No security. No.. kissing. No cuddling. No snuggling. Basically…. No nothing.

I waited since 2006  for ALL this.

May the Lord be with me.

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