swimming in my head

Suicide heavy on my mind. It’s been awhile dealing with these demons inside. They must have been on hiatus. Cause, I thought those feelings were left in my past attempts. However lately the heaviness is brutal. I’ve learned to fly solo. Rarely around others. Anxiety and awkwardness. My life passing. Opportunity after opportunity missed. I call this life “my life of sacrifice”. Gave up it ALL and now I sit in silence stalled. -out- Of energy, breath and confidence. I pray for a reason. I pray for a purpose. What I’m living can’t be why I was created. I had a dream. So, many dreams! I had it all mapped out. Never took no for an answer. I was all about the finish line. Bright lights. Red carpets. Mics waiting to see what’s next. I was always five steps ahead and now I can’t seem to keep up. I’m bored as fuck. I’ve let myself down and now I sit here all alone and feel like a clown. So much potential, promise and expectancy of all that I would do, acquire and see. Empty passport. I let that shit expire. I sit stagnate and cry in silence. They say you become like the five people you spend the most time with. In my spare time. I walk this line alone. Like E.T. the only place I feel comfortable is home. But, even here I stare at unpacked boxes. Three years later I forgot what’s even in them. But, still wont donate them. In hopes of one day having a home of my own. As this is not my home. It’s a place I most appreciate. A place I can come back to and feel a dash of safe.

Where do I go from here? What is my purpose? Can I do the job? All while I’m lost. Lost inside myself. Swimming in my head. I feel empty. I feel dead.

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