Gotta write. Gotta wrap my head around the truth of what is happening before my very eyes. My energy is zapped and and I seem to be having a difficult time typing.. tears in eyes. Focusing on other objects, books, words, and smiles.. Sometimes I have to ask myself if this blogs truly worthwhile.. I miss everything! I miss the sky being that perfect shade of blue. Since you’ve been gone It will not shift from this awful gloomy gray to baby blue eyes “Truth” blue.
For you are I and I am you. Mirror image. Flickers of light guide me to answers through the night. In my dream state is where we most relate. Sweaty palms.. for I am being guided. I’m not hiding. I’m ready and willing for this never ending Godly feeling. LOVE. You have enlightened me. In ways that you may not realize that may take years to see.. and yes you shall see. The blessings you’ve bestowed upon me. Right now I am staring at a jigsaw puzzle that has left me nothing less then puzzled. Angry in such a way any; everybody would agree to muzzle -ME.
Opinionated and tempting to be the quiet girl at the same time. An oxymoron. However in my eyes. Fully Justified. From the outside looking in I look as though I’m a crazy woman. Truly mad. I’m just processing, De-fragmenting and thinking. Sometimes that means out loud. Dissecting these atoms of information and as soon as I FINALLY get to the middle. Shaken. On lonely ground. Profound. The abundance of information down–loaded into sound. Emptiness is what’s in the middle. Is this such a surprise? and if so.. why Hold Card? Why? Is this so different from you or you or myself (I)? So, this puzzle you see. What this is doing to me? Nobody want’s to listen. Everything I’m saying they question. ??? Too deep. Confusing. Rambling.. No understanding what so ever. A closed mind. A program installed in spirals. It was over the moment it went viral.
Now let me put it in a song. I’ll give you just a moment.. a phat ass beat. (Look at yourself) Your singing along. Lyrics that a moment ago.. caused you to frown. Feeling bad about yourself.. gazing down-ward. That’s all I’m saying are words. Only complete difference is my words come in truth. Truth does not lie and at times it can hurt. But, if there were only lies and no truth what then would be honesty’s worth? There is Honor is Honesty. Truth = Love. Love = God. All this YOU taught to me., My aura in life. Everything narrow. Everything right and if I truly live this way. This is the ONLY way to make sure everything will be alright. I believe in you. I trust everything you’ve ever told me. Not a day goes by, Not an hour, Not a minute, Not a second. That I close my eyes internally and feel you. Become you. Live in the mere essence of you. In your love. I view the world with blue eyes. A tint of reflection only felt by you my twin soul for I am you and you are I. Feel me. For I am always with you. My heart is big and if nothing else. Like UP it will lift you. Capricorn babies. Little old souls. Three days and three years. 33 I feel a power ball number manifesting. For money is not the answer. It’s more of a form of cancer. Yet, if treated in just the right way. A nightmare can quickly fade into a gradient disguised blessing. Hmmm maybe that’s why the sky’s gray..? Possibly a form of our Fathers test. Should not be any different from acing all the rest. Character is a virtue. In a virtual world. Imperfection nears devastation.
A catchy beat to help you move your feet and suddenly I got the hottest track on earth. Spitting the same shit.. Dispersing LOVE infusing sound. Adding glitzy diamonds, gold and paper. All a form of mother nature. Justify the over-sized words. That a moment ago threw you into a tailspin of anxious anxiety from insecurities, boredom or fear from my truthful words of what is coming. What is happening and what is near. Just looking out for you. For we are all mirror images and I am just reciting the nerves in question I feel inside you. A five year old pronounces as if nothing. Yet, an intellectual conversation is the basis for a boring, quiet talk.. No drama, no drag, with that gone. Complete loss of swag. Only existing on the account of false self worth. It is you who taught me to slow down, take notes and understand what I even am. To take the time invest in me. Educate and take a stand on my firm beliefs. An earthquake could not shake the foundation of this heavenly premium cement sealed and bonded. Feeling lonely and week is just the bend I need for balance in KNOWING nothing and or know-one can break me. My strength supersedes any seed you try to slip me. I don’t do mixed drinks. Come at me real. Real is what you get. You hear my name.. it’s impossible not too see you. For the wind is picking up. I’m here to carry you through. I love you. I love you. I love you. (.3.)x11= (?) The rest of the world in question.
Poetry Philosifloetry… Sweeter than a Billets Doux.. Sit back well I spit this at you. Culture, Multi Culture, Race, Diverse, Diversity. Tell me what’s your take on me. What you think you see???
A Superstar. Hold Card, Actress, Dream Maker, Fearless, Extreme, Ambitious, Love, Happiness, Class, Style, Eternity, Money Maker. ALWAYS! THE ART. THE DREAM. THE LOVE. “I know who I am.”
My definition on LOVE………? Love is who I am. How I express myself. Being the unique person I was created to be. Love is God. Love is passion, fearless & magical. Love is crazy yet simple. I guess I would say… love is a contradiction. Love speaks boldly. Yet softly. Love does not give up or withhold itself. Love does not force itself on others to feel better about it self. Love is not being afraid to tell somebody who I am. Or, Where I came from. Love does not expect or demand. Love does not have Limits, Restrictions or Conditions. Love is the key. It is the key that allows me to see More in to myself, For myself and About myself. So….. To you I say. Give your smile to everyone! And your ♥ to only one.
This has always been an issue. Who? Where? What? Why? My whole life felt by tinges of pain from loneliness. When you have nothing in common with anyone then what? When conversations go in one ear and out the other.. then what? What if you just don’t fit in? I could change who I am by.. interjecting, participating or initiating contact. I then ask myself; Why? Why do I care? Because, in a sense I do. I was programmed to believe I do. Do I? I don’t. I can’t. I won’t. I’m just someplace else. A place very few are. A place many will never reach. A place some care not to reach. I have worked very hard to get here. I have no intention on leaving. (((((This is a place of consciousness.))))) You see, I care about so much. In an extra heavy heartbreaking way. What I don’t care about is drama, negativity, gossip and the latest who-rah. I have always been an old soul on top of growing up extra way to fast. Not many words make an impression on me. Actions so far and few in-between. This is just more time and space for me to get to know me. I refuse to lower my standards. In saying that I am no better than You or You or You. Monetary fulfillment of company to fill open space and silence. Does not last long enough. Everyone is long gone. I sit alone. Systems now haywire and out of space I am. A costly fix and upgrade. Things will be just fine. My own best friend. In need of absolutely no one. My kindness taken for weakness has happened time and time again. Even though I find myself sad. I’m full of love and kind is who I am. I’m back I’ll say again. Conscious of matter dark and light.
*Right now I’m not focused on anything about you. I’m busy brightening my own light. My life just as important. I value my alone time. On another level. To me the rest of the world asleep, disheveled. In months to come life will be completely different. What I’ll be doing. Where I’ll be. Only then will a few select individuals have tabs on me. My flights departing. I checked no baggage. I fly for free. Mastermind. My carry-on (long time companion) and long-long journey await me. Resting up. Yes. It gets rather lonely. It would be nice to have a friend to chat to.. One I could really trust, who really knows me. I need no friends. I need no one. Once again. I have me and I’m sufficient enough for little old me. I can make myself laugh and not at the cost of an others mercy. I can open my own doors and wine. I can make my own toast to happiness and health and lite. I pray to God to surround me with extra angels to fill the empty space in the room. I spend my days and nights alone. I’ve been blessed with an extraordinary amount of time for growth. Others may one day catch up or not. My whole life has been very much alone. You may think well that’s the sheer beauty of technology and the telephone! Only in my case.. The phone rings and anxiety sets in. Because it’s not just us. This is the government’s idea of justice. Tapped lines. Listening in. Play back after play back. Thousands of hours later. They really think they know you then. With every inflection. Every personal disappointment documented. Played back to whom ever at their discretion. So, I unplug the line. Get back to that feeling of feeling fine. Cleanse my mind. From feelings of anger and frustration from federal violation after violation. “My monies on me; Give me a year.” I say to myself. This current life of mine shall be shelved. You probably wont know. I can only imagine where I’ll be. How much more I’ll have grown. A blossoming flower. Extremely unique. Value unknown. The presence of love. Potent. Overwhelming in every way. Intricately detailed in every possible way. I fit in right where I am. I’m in love with myself and if I say it enough one day it will really sink in. Tonight’s about filling the sink hole in my heart. It was me who moved away. Distance has opened my eyes. I am your girl. Your mine all mine. In my thoughts.. Preparing dinner alone. I light the house with candles. God is with me. The weight is lifting. He will not give me more than I can handle. I am in control of myself and in my lane. Say a prayer. Pop a pill to ease these anxious pains.
LESSON: I AM. I CAN. I HAVE. I WILL. (mantra)