Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.
Archive for Arts
to function or not to function. is that the question?
my Grandfather would not only want me to function. but, persevere and LIVE boldly, simply, humbly with love through love. he surrounds me at this very moment. will forever be a part of me. energizing me. pushing me. fueling me through love. my strength, my heart, my universe. my Grandpa. aka my father, my provider, my confidant, my King. a true supreme being. dignified with truth blue eyes. an extraordinary magnificent human being. whom is already so missed. now in the heavens living eternal bliss. i shall never forget his last breath. my last kiss laid upon his tender cheek. day and night by his side a mountain climbed so very steep. glossy eyes. starry skies. the brightest star lights up the sky. shining through my soul and out my eyes. radiating a glow from my perfectly placed golden halo. to know or not know is not a question. not for me.
he meant what he said and said what he means. he walked the path. never followed. always lead. listening to me. guiding me. unconditionally loving me. never, not ever judging me. what i know for sure is that my Grandpa loved me. adored me. believed in me. he still does. always will. through his peace. he fills me up with strength, calmness and serenity.
forever and always, may you rest in peace. i love you Grandpa. your brown-eyed girl.
Need to start writing again.. My end of the evening cleanse. Like journaling.. writing to ALL of you is a true form of therapy. Venting. Breathing through my pen. Letting you in.. Instead of just expecting you to understand.. why it’s taken me so long to come back.. Reflecting on my most intimate moments. Refueling your love. I miss your comments.. Must keep this blog running. Solid. No cracks. So, you ALL continue to show love and have a reason to check back. Check on me.. No more holding back.. No matter how HEAVY life continues to get.. I shall never forget. ALL the love. ALL the support. ALL the feedback. Reminders. Fuel for court. I have shut down again in a sense. Moving ultra fast. Different location. Everyday new destinations. Attempting to fit as much as each new day allows. No longer stopping long enough to write about what happens on my journey of my daily prowl.. Becoming as direct as Simon Cowell. I blot my forehead after HOT yoga with a downy softened towel. Stopping to write means forcing myself to rethink , relive, re-breathe the pain I just exhaled. Moving onto the next obstacle, next step keeping my stamina for what I know is coming next…
I close my eyes in hopes to forget. Push aside. No more puff puff pass.. to subside the anxiety lurking inside. If I stop to
explain I mean say.. anything about any I mean ALL of it.. I may just possibly sink quicksand deep. With no coming back. Because……………………….. I’m tired. I truly am. I arrived here.. to what feels like a whole new planet.. Instantly to massive wait. I came ready for battle. As if I were conditioning for Kuwait. BAM, BOMB, HATE, FATE, State of disaster, Fast. FasT, FASTER! One thing after another. CONFLICT. Mishaps. Compiling. Merging disasters! Passing by mirrors. I don’t recognize this girl. Only reacting to smoke signals. Everything most important. Love potent. Directing me. Through feeling, desire, GOD. Time moving FAST. No moment appears to last. Replaced by Rage. Igniting to flames carried along in the wind. Love conflicted with Sin. Stretched…. ALL the way out. THIN. In weight as in wealth. Gaining richness as in health. I bide my time. Needed. De-pleated. Sucked empty. Manuka honey. I find very little funny. Serious as I want to be. I AM energy. Resourcefulness enough to lighten up a mood. Brighten up a room. Flip you like a light-switch your attitude. Smiling with sincere gratitude. Blessed, Happiness, Luck, Joy I exude when I AM ON. off I shut down when I am alone. Calming my inner soul. I speak to my Grandpa with such.. clarity. Crisp clear words flow from my lips. I practice patience where he lives. I am forced to slow down . Becoming.. gentle. Docile with a fiery inner strength. I choose my words with great care. I do not curse. I feel blessed beyond words to have this time. As time is limited. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime and into the next. I keep my telephone near. To hear the calls I anticipate daily. My daily bread. Lifelines. Hanging up recharged. In bed at night I say my prayers. No-longer picking up my pen. Feeling power in my prayers. My God. Granting my desires. Forgiving my sins. Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM.
Breaking point. I lie here at 2:55 am. While the rest of the world is asleep. My insides in painful knots. My nerves and nails completely shot. Unhappiness and pain all around. Life so intense, in surround sound. Yes, my heart is made of glass. Fragile, under strenuous conditions I’m wearing fast. Today my last day of wearing a mask. I’m tired and tired enough to say it aloud. I am only in control of myself. This morning I am making a personal commitment to myself.
“I promise to love me first.”
Love.. as a whole is affecting me in ways only I truly know.. I understand love on a deeper level. I understand what it feels like to fight with ALL my might. I do not have the Midas touch. .
It’s taken me 32 years to “believe” that from this moment forward. I love myself enough to remove myself from anything that causes me heartache or pain. Not because I don’t care. Because, I’ve taken ALL I can bear. No longer accepting misery. To toxic to the air I breathe. The consumption takes over me. Becoming apart of me. Zapping little energy left in me. Spreading like wild-fire to ALL I love. No matter what. I am done. Enough is enough. It is me that I have to begin to love. Because at 3:14 my day is long over.. And it is still difficult to breathe. It is I that must nurse my heart. Wipe my tears. Cut through tension. Dissect the definition of perseverance. No longer running interference. No more. I stand my ground. This is my breaking point. Sound. No more face to face. I have said what I’ve said. Nothing more to say. This is me saving my life. A broken heart piecing it back together part by part. Some of them on back order. Foreign.. I love myself enough to say I’m worth more. Misery, discontent, hellbent. No more.
Who you are to me.
The air I breathe. My eternity. My king.
Having some bad days.. Watching myself.. age, hair gray.. Feeling myself growing older with you. Wiser. Committed. I have fully submitted.
Strong. A forever bond. Friends laced with passion. Have your back. No matter how high the stack. I’m ALL in. Over a decade. Headaches to koolaid smiles. ALL worth while. I dig your style. Sexy profile. Trade me in… Sinful thought. At 32 I’m your queen jewel.
Always be a crazy, sexy, cool girl.. Do anything for you boy. Just the thought of you. Brings me tremendous joy. We gotta puppy together.. Still feels like puppy love. Sweet as a chocolate dove bar.. Ride you like I ride copilot in your shiny car. Your little mama. Love you like.. a fat kid loves cake. I’ll do it ALL for you. I’ll do whatever it takes. Don’t make me wait.. Adore me forever. Like a proud father. Smother me with love like you’re starving. I want a bite. I’m nice and tight. Ripe and right. Let’s have a pillow fight.. I’m yours. Your mine. ALL real. ALL genuine. Mine ALL mind. In do time.. Sweet dreams. See you in the cosmos at exactly 11:33
I wish you.. Could hold me right now. Rock me to sleep.. Rub my head.. Whisper in my ear.. Tell me you love me.. Show me you love me..
I wish.. I could wake up tomorrow morning to your eggs.. Sliced tomatoes.. A couple of grapes.. I miss you. I wish we could lay side by side perfectly fitting.. Your face in my neck..
Ignoring ALL calls.. Breathing each other in. I yearn for your touch..
I wish I could do my eyes.. To match what I wear.. And hear.. You say you liked how I did them. And ask you to wear something to match me and you do.. I wish.. We could eat each other for lunch and have an ultra late dinner because we don’t want to let each other go.. I’m in love with you. I need “u” in my heart..
Do I care if I die..? Really..
I find myself asking myself this ALL the more often.
Most days.. I don’t think I do.
Most days.. I’m so beyond tired. I feel ready. Like hurry up won’t you already!
Heavy heart. Emotions tearing my insides apart. How much more I continue to wonder while I wander can this body take?
I watch myself deteriorate. Broken. I can never be fully repaired. These are more than war wounds. These are raw wounds of despair.
I look around for someone to grab hold to.. I quickly realize it’s only I on this ride. I circle and circle, up, down loop around. It’s quite a vicious cycle.
To the point of no return forces me to want to quickly recycle my carbon body and articles of doom. I look everyone in their eyes. I look deeply. Fascinated by ALL they hide.
I read them. I write them.
I relate. I look to life, late.
Is it fate?
Would you care? Do you? What would you do to get through?
Have you? I ask..
A lifeline perhaps?
SNAP Yep, I did that. It was bound to happen. Am I surprised. Not even a – dash - Fuck this ignorance and smash negativity in its tracks. Yes, in my home that is a fact. I think probably in Charlie Sheen‘s home too.. As a matter of fact.. WINNER! Just felt the need to do that.. (Mental reminder to myself ← I have been ↓overloaded↓ for sometime. I have asked for help. Sweetly, screamingly. I have said (((ALOUD))) if something does not give.. My heart will make its rift. I’m not a kid. I’m a grown ass woman. I have done ALL I could. Taking from myself and Masterminds books. Look Not trying to be hurtful. Cruel intentions are not what I’m about. But, I’m bleeding daily and I have to help myself. I can not continue to do for you and you and you and you and you. Physically and mentally I am bruised. ALL shades in every crevice. Written ALL over my face. My body rigid at the thought of a fake embrace. I’m dealing with real shit. Real life. Court case after court case. Yes, it’s taken a toll. I see the broken blood vessels that line the eyes on my face. My smile gone long ago.. To the world I look like an abandoned glass house. No-one home. Telephone talker I AM not. I live in ((stereo)) downloading, updating, UP↑grading daily. Please, don’t be mad or sad.. Because You and I are on different levels. This feeling is sublime.. Intoxicating.. Magnificent. INCREDIBLE. Purely magical. To know the truth and accept the truth will surely set you free.. Well, I can only speak for me. See you on the winning side. Ta’ Ta’ for now! see ya.. I can’t wait! Ciao.. Bella.. (just always wanted to say that) ALL my love to “U”. Do it! Do it! You can.. Just walk through. Ahhhhhh…. See I told you! But, better yet. You allowed me to show.. you.. “U” (niverse).
Happy New Year to me and happy is my #2 priority. I want to smile in 2011. I want to crack up laughing over absolutely nothing. I want to kill the world with kindness especially when my attitude is slipping toward anything but kind. I want to love until I overflow and have strength to refill others and naturally reload. I never again want to feel so dark, empty or unsure. This is 2011 I’m sure. I’m ready. let’s go. I’m blessed. I’m lucky. I’m healthier then some and like others have work to be done. I’m ready to start living. Having fun. Cautiously. Just because it’s a New Year my same rules still apply. You see these are encoded in me. No expiration. No maybe after an evaluation. No New Years play dates. I listen as I hear gates.. Open and close. I watch and wait from a quiet distance. Quite contrary in my personal cozy sanctuary. Temp exactly how I like it. 81° panties just enough. I chill out and puff. Happy to have been out of ALL the lost souls madness Back to back police sirens. Not for me. My car remained parked. New Years Eve sparkled from my crystal tears. Meditating on blessings. Thank yous.. Bless you’s.. No guess what and no guess who’s. Drama free. Half full. Control steady. 2010 tried to get the best of me. I left it in the dust. No questions asked. You can keep the reward money. I’m not your honey.. I’m taken. 2011 under siege. A healthy balanced year. Sage removing toxins from the air. Mood consistent. Steady. Energy high. Grinding. Doing mine. Love is my basis. Every choice accounted for. I watch as I try every door.. Open-ed time and time again.. I had an opportunity I was to immature to see. I was just a baby.. My mind calmly decides on the path of our life. I’m ALL in. Ride or hope not die! I choose life!!! FYI
To a magical New Year! First resolution.. LOVE above ALL others.
LOVE felt in so many forms. In my heart. In the air.. A whisper. A shadow.. Glimpse of despair. Love fills me. Surrounds me. Finds me. Directs me. Depends on me. Is me. I stare at the stars. So many out tonight.. I wish I may.. I wish I might.. Get this wish.. The wish of my life! I envision how things could be.. Shall be. I live in a dream state.. Twenty-four hours of my day. My heart compassing the way.. Shadow doing the walking. I am here alone. In thought I battle day in and out. Nothing will change that.. I think I just give it more thought then others.. I truly miss the way things used to be. There is now a forever void that hovers my glowetic energy. Not saying things were perfect, but our circle was complete. I solemnly swear to stand by you. Never leave or forget you. I’m here. Me and the whole crew. We got you. A lot to think about. A lot to take in.. Consider. Different frames of mind competing for the lime light. Life’s not coming easy and definitely as pricey as a king’s ransom. Somethings gotta give. I have to make something incredible happen. Rest of the world kicked back , an laughin. That used to be ALL a us; long nights.. Flagged down at stop signs. Crazy chicks trying to hitch a ride.. On to our next destination… could be anywhere! With us, You never ever know.. what or who were gonna run into. The night could turn into a week. The most memorable to me were sporadic salsa nights. Twirling and spinning.. On top of the world. Nothing else mattered.. I mean c’mon I’m sexy dancing with this “conveniently” gay guy, my brother, sisters now long ago Ex-boyfriend and our Mother! One of the best nights of my life.. So, much heaviness lifted just for a moment’s time. To share some smiles. Unforgettable memories.. We ALL hold onto dearly. On with the night.. now leading into dreaded mourning lights. Kahlua based drinks, secretly laced with vodka.. Hmm who did that? I don’t even have to think. Side Bet always has jokes and something up her sleeve.. Two am and of course were not ready to go! Where’s the after party? Where’s my phone? Where’s your phone! Oh those were the days. Simplicity.. Yet, so completely complicated. ALL because of ignorance. We were ALL asleep. Needed someone to open the curtains and let the light in. For every one of us was so intensely bright we were blinded by each-other. ALL searching for something. A flashlight. On our path.. Not working together. I think our minds have opened. We hear you. With out hearing.. The universe has spoken. Inhale. Exhale. I breathe in my prayer. Ahhhhh I have now released it to God. Magnetic energy released into the air. I close my eyes.. On cloud.. ten. I open them. A perfect rainbow. A pelican lands.. right on top of the gold. Now the real question is.. Where is the Gold?
2 feel connected as 1 ∞ Moment of solidity.. A magical reminder of why I’m traveling down this road. Because, it is a choice and to ALL of you one day it will ALL make sense. Why I’m here. What I’m attempting.. ALL in the name of LOVE.
I met him so long ago.. a BRIGHT and sunny day. Big HUGE sunglasses hiding my face. Dusty truck in need of suds and some serious elbow grease love.. Their he was.. nurturing his so so shiny drop-top. Oh my my.. Who is he…? Jet black hair with flawless caramel skin. Light green-blue eyes oh my.. OH MY.. say.. it isn’t so! This dudes fine as hell and.. Oh sh*!# I just derailed. Literally off the track. My knight and shining armor, Prince of piercing looks.. euro-ess-ness with an unknown edginess.. Hmm… He’s got me completely out my box. Back in my head.. deep in thought. Perplexed. Mr. Gorgeous. Hmm! I mean.. Mr. Mysterious just happens to also be a romantic.. fine diner.. race car driver.. door opener.. poker competitor.. intellectual Oh no. No way! This is not plausible.. Not in my back yard.. Right here ALL along. This is it…! This is the moment. (my inside voice attempting to awaken my inner me.. tickling my insides.. reminders in disguise ALL telling me.. this is him.. this is love.. together again as 1) Back in real light.. I look to myself in my rear-view.. Who is this guy? and what is he?…? Cuban, Persian.. Colombian..? Maybe Syria.. Combination of ALL? Hmmm whatever, whomever.. here he is.. (TALL dark and handsome) guiding me through this drive-through car wash (modern-day fractal or wormhole).. Time elapsed this was our connection. Our free-fall. Another encounter, chapter, incarnation, magnetic vibration formatting LOVE.
DING! DING! There’s the bell.
For me; Life has never been the same. Yep he found me that day. Long long ago.. he promised me somewhere.. someplace… we would be together again someday.. someway.. he would find me. Manifest me into creation and on that blustering snowy December evening.. The wind was roaring. I was formatting.. it’s chill was comforting. The sky’s sparkled. The air was crisp with a hint of vanilla-lavender-coco Chanel ish scent.. Mmmm…
ALL this.. many moons ago.. the Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ butterfly’s Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ never left my tummy.. happily fluttering.. in love ♥ like the very first telephone call… in my grandparents kitchen, I closely listened. We planned our next encounter.. Gravity took over, Best-friends and lovers.. Beginning on a hot spring day.. beginning of May.. My path was laid.. I have climbed and crawled. Been drug while kicking and screaming obscenities with displeasing psychotic behavior from my own insecurities, bad programing, misleading interpretation of my lost misconception of my idea of love.. and here He is. programmed with compatible software under a custom created exterior. Pre-programmed with patience and ALL my missing components, virus defenders and ALL access passwords.
We have just advanced to the next level. ↑
This is my destiny. This is our fate. True-life ∞ Soul-mates. Right on track. Thanks for jogging along with me.. I enjoy the company.. as of right now.. Life can get a little lonely.. We got time. Time is one thing we do have. Hope to make the best of it. Give him lots to come home to.. Make him proud as freewill in hell. So upon you I cast a love spell.. I AM the potion and to “YOU” I pass the goblet. I hold on tight to my kingdom, smile (sword) and gauntlet.
Good night.. TBC