Month: July 2010

Sprinkle… Kazam! She’s back. (Exhale)

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I woke up feeling extra grumpy today.. not for any one particular reason. So I put on a dress. In passing..  I notice (her) reflection in mirror pretty and sad.. Whip in a snap¦ Sprinkle… Kazam! Forget all that sadness and madness. It’s time to begin living my life. I’m back. She’s back. Please don’t come at me with no craziness! Hasty? Slightly. Okay, well Yes., Today is the day. Nothing but love coming your way. I love you baby. ♥♥♥ 

Enough’s enough! I’m losing my mind over stuff.

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I’m going nuts! I’m losing my mind over stuff... Enough’s enough! I understand the discouragement.. in the minimal return on your spontaneous over priced not too long ago purchase. Unneeded object that temporarily fulfilled your inner black hole. Focus. Focus on the goal. De-clutter even if I must give it away. From one room to another continuously adding to my clutter craze. My bankroll decreasing. Heavy baggage increases.

Lesson: $ Save € SAVE £ Save ¥

Going through changes

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Changes are happening and I am so afraid. I can pull the covers over my head. But, when I awake guilt stricken at the loss of another day. This nightmares not going to go away. I’m conscious and in denial at the same time. If I could make just one wish it would be to rewind the hands of time. Then all wrongs could be made right and this sometimes depressing memoir I wouldn’t have to write.. I’d probably be in Africa taking pictures of giraffes and stuff in safari khakis singing, dancing, acting a nut. Living the real me. Not under twenty-four hour scrutiny of the pure irony of each and every misery held in contempt. No one to talk to. Nowhere to vent. Damaging our health. Depleting ourselves. Let it out. Let it out! Sometimes it takes a shout or two. To release my inner demons. My rage is off the rictor. It’s making me sicker than I was before.

FUCK I thought I already closed that door. Two dead-bolts and three master locks. My own locks been hit. Picked. Aware and conscious. Obviously asleep at the wheel. Should have set the alarm. Oh yeah..  (virus protection canceled).

Sunday 10:11 am

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End of the week. First day of my cycle. Maybe that somewhat explains.. The breakdowns; the jolts of rage. The never-ending pain. I lay here lonely. Feeling unsure. Insecure. What am I doing here? I don’t belong.. My approval rating has severely dropped. Still the show must go on. Lie here alone in thought. With paper in pen. No telephone. Dream about being held. Tight-Caressed. Kissed. I’m a mess. I just miss the feeling of being missed. Touched. Oxytocin running high. Well, I am getting off track… It’s Sunday 10:11 or something. I’m laying here covered in bed. There’s a slight bite in the air. I’m crampy and so many other things. That yes, I guess this feels like the safest place for me. I’m very blah today. Don’t care about too much. Maybe, I don’t  know how to. Maybe I don’t know where to start. What do  you do with a day like today? Waste it in bed. Listening to other people live and laugh outside the window?

Story of my life. Burnt out and Tired… No desire to get things right.