sabbatical

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , on July 15, 2014 by hold card

I’ve been away for quite awhile. I completely lost my passion for writing. I’ve been blocked. Just lately… I have felt the intense urge to begin writing again. A hunger within me. If you’ve followed my memoirs from the beginning. You’ve seen me at my darkest hour. And although I shared so much. I was still incredibly guarded. Paranoia. It did destroy me. My last post years ago. And now I write. STRONG. blessed. Progress-ion. A new frame of thought. I am still on my journey. A husband in prison. I grind daily. On a mission. For a better life. I’ve swallowed my pride. Learned to walk again. One step at a time. My confidence is back. I’ve earned that. My journey is one which should be shared. If you knew me… in this outside world. You might be surprised by my story. I share it with few. Where do I begin telling you what I’ve been up to?

Thank you for all the encouraging messages since I stopped writing. Through email, facebook and twitter. I appreciate you. My life was quite dark when I originally began this blog. It was my refuge. My way to release the rage, sadness, emptiness inside. You witnessed my nervous breakdown. You witnessed my rawness. My ending and new beginning. My life had collapsed beneath me  and I had no idea how to fix it. Stop it. Accept it. Embrace it. I wanted to die. I wanted to DIE.

So, much has transpired. Eventually I shut down completely. I hated myself in such away. What I had become. But, still I did not completely give up. God never left me. Ever. I have witnessed more in my 35 years then most will ever see. I moved away from that magical strawberry scented beach town. Where I used to write. I love that place. I believe the sound of the ocean saved me. I was so high… not on life. Trying to escape the misery. But, the time came and I knew I had to leave. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. Going back to my hometown. Home the furthest thing I felt. My grandpa. My rock. Fell ill. It was time. Time was ticking. This move would change my life. My brother was missing. Mastermind was gone. They took him. Again. I spent every single dollar on  lawyers, marijuana, and never-ending bills.. while I wallowed in my self pity. I promised my grandpa I would never forget him. I knew what I had to do. That time had come. My high gone. Rawness. Realness. Hollowness. I was frail. Meatless. Bones. A walking ghost. I slept on the floor. In my car. Not my new BMW. I lost that too. I had myself and my little dog. He is my constant. I faced humans who I share the same blood with that despise me. Frown upon me. Share the same air in the same room. Yet will not speak. I faced them. I faced them ALL. ALL by myself. I held my head. I stood my ground. Alone. Ready for battle. Ready for anything. Whispers. Snickers. Looks of disgust. I sat there. I stood there. And I was proud. I was silent. Lethal in strength. While each domino fell.

My brother surrendered. He was home. He was safe. He was back. My brother. My twin soul. My mirror image was back. My grandfather could rest. He was so tired. He was so ready. My brother was safe. My grandfather let go. For me three traumatic blows. At this time I witnessed miracles. Miracles that no words can describe. Feelings of intervention from the divine. My heart forever changed. I could never view the world again the same.

We awaited trial. Court rooms after court room. I’m losing ALL my men. Mastermind. My Grandfather. My brother. My stepson. My nephew. I am all alone. But, I have my constant. I have Capone. #TBC

SuperGlue Tears

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on February 22, 2013 by hold card

My nervous system. Very nervous. In a matter of 15 minutes. Apprehensive. Life suddenly appears fuzzy. One hour ago everything in me seemed swarovski clear. Now my eyes a flowing stream.. every-time I get an airbrush tan I seemed to stain my cheeks. It’s been months since I’ve swam in this deep sea. Tears flow like a silent film. My wish I could take it still by still. Airbrush the nightmares and curdling night terrors. Pause frame to cradle my fears. Like serious I go to change the song. Something more upbeat. I can’t feel my heartbeat. Frozen accepting the choppy channel. Surrender I can not. I’m not ready and for that I fight. I could take on water and drown. All the weight I’ve gained. Healthy and UN-pained. Insanity at bay. Appetite now gone again. Gone with the wind. Take out those double zeros from that salvation army bin. Chin dragging. Tripping over untied combat boot straps. I need a moment. I gotta step back. I have taken on a whole lot. Battle fields. Gun shy wounds. Bruise after bruise. Suicidal fumes. I made it through. Still waters. No doubt I’ll bounce back. But, I got an overweight monkey on my back. Heart beating way to fast. Almost welcome a heart attack. Roller coaster off the track. Living out of boxes yet they only see my Savannah smile. My pain written in words. I write in ghost. I once eagerly said ditto. Now I sit silent. Watching. Praying. Contemplating.
My hand do I finally fold? Only hold card knows. All in on a bluff. Tired. Tournament duration. Decade plus. Am I living to my full potential? Am I doing what I love? If I could be doing anything would I choose hush? Or… Rather singing hush little baby don’t say a word mommas gonna.. do Nada cause a baby I chose not to birth. My living nightmare here on planet earth. Will haunt me for this lifetime of mine. Still searching for my lifeline. Option off the table. Solo movie nights. Late night pillow fights between my broken heart and teary eyes. ALL believing I’m healed and fine. My bedtime story titled me chaos complimented with polar shifts my soul adrift. My grandfather his star my guiding light. Full moon. Quarantined to my room. Energy in negative. My clients deserve exuberant magical gravitation. I need an emotional vacation. To gather myself. Recoup. Regroup. Bury this pain deep. Brick by brick. Padlocked. Super-glued in stingy tears.
I check.

on tilt

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2011 by hold card

Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly  washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.

grandpa

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on October 4, 2011 by hold card

 

to function or not to function. is that the question?
my Grandfather would not only want me to function. but, persevere and LIVE boldly, simply, humbly with love through love. he surrounds me at this very moment. will forever be a part of me. energizing me. pushing me. fueling me through love. my strength, my heart, my universe. my Grandpa. aka my father, my provider, my confidant, my King. a true supreme being. dignified with truth blue eyes. an extraordinary magnificent human being. whom is already so missed. now in the heavens living eternal bliss. i shall never forget his last breath. my last kiss laid upon his tender cheek. day and night by his side a mountain climbed so very steep. glossy eyes. starry skies. the brightest star lights up the sky. shining through my soul and out my eyes. radiating a glow from my perfectly placed golden halo. to know or not know is not a question. not for me.
he meant what he said and said what he means. he walked the path. never followed. always lead. listening to me. guiding me. unconditionally loving me. never, not ever judging me. what i know for sure is that my Grandpa loved me. adored me. believed in me. he still does. always will. through his peace. he fills me up with strength, calmness and serenity.
forever and always, may you rest in peace. i love you Grandpa. your brown-eyed girl.

Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2011 by hold card

Need to start writing again.. My end of the evening cleanse. Like journaling.. writing to ALL of you is a true form of therapy. Venting. Breathing through my pen. Letting you in.. Instead of just expecting you to understand.. why it’s taken me so long to come back.. Reflecting on my most intimate moments. Refueling your love. I miss your comments.. Must keep this blog running. Solid. No cracks. So, you ALL continue to show love and have a reason to check back. Check on me.. No more holding back.. No matter how HEAVY life continues to get.. I shall never forget. ALL the love. ALL the support. ALL the feedback. Reminders. Fuel for court. I have shut down again in a sense. Moving ultra fast. Different location. Everyday new destinations. Attempting to fit as much as each new day allows. No longer stopping long enough to write about what happens on my journey of my daily prowl.. Becoming as direct as Simon Cowell. I blot my forehead after HOT yoga with a downy softened towel. Stopping to write means forcing myself to rethink , relive, re-breathe the pain I just exhaled. Moving onto the next obstacle, next step keeping my stamina for what I know is coming next…

I close my eyes in hopes to forget. Push aside.  No more puff puff pass.. to subside the anxiety lurking inside. If I stop to explain I mean say.. anything about any I mean ALL of it.. I may just possibly sink quicksand deep. With no coming back. Because……………………….. I’m tired. I truly am. I arrived here.. to what feels like a whole new planet.. Instantly to massive wait. I came ready for battle. As if I were conditioning for Kuwait. BAM, BOMB, HATE, FATE, State of disaster, Fast. FasT, FASTER! One thing after another. CONFLICT. Mishaps. Compiling. Merging disasters! Passing by mirrors. I don’t recognize this girl. Only reacting to smoke signals. Everything most important. Love potent. Directing me. Through feeling, desire, GOD. Time moving FAST. No moment appears to last. Replaced by Rage. Igniting to flames carried along in the wind. Love conflicted with Sin. Stretched…. ALL the way out. THIN. In weight as in wealth. Gaining richness as in health. I bide my time. Needed. De-pleated. Sucked empty. Manuka honey. I find very little funny. Serious as I want to be. I AM energy. Resourcefulness enough to lighten up a mood. Brighten up a room. Flip you like a light-switch your attitude. Smiling with sincere gratitude. Blessed, Happiness, Luck, Joy I exude when I AM ON. off I shut down when I am alone. Calming my inner soul. I speak to my Grandpa with such.. clarity. Crisp clear words flow from my lips. I practice patience where he lives. I am forced to slow down . Becoming.. gentle. Docile with a fiery inner strength. I choose my words with great care. I do not curse. I feel blessed beyond words to have this time. As time is limited. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime and into the next. I keep my telephone near. To hear the calls I anticipate daily. My daily bread. Lifelines. Hanging up recharged. In bed at night I say my prayers. No-longer picking up my pen. Feeling power in my prayers. My God. Granting my desires. Forgiving my sins. Blessed. Oh Yes, I AM.

Fantasy “Me”

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2011 by hold card

Early, late.. Depending how you look at it. Missing you.. Wishing I could’ve crawled into bed with you.. (huge problem) HUGE. Inserting myself between the sheets.. My whole, full body.. fine like vintage wine.. absent of you. Not there waiting.. rushing me, or carrying me.. tucking me in…

When that day does cum again.. and yes, it shall cum. I am going to appreciate you that much more. Everything, you, us, so much. I have in store for you. More than just a trick or two.. or three or four…. Fuck it keep the lights on. DON’T close the door. Leave the window open while you’re at it.. or shall I say we’re at it.. Naked.. HOT pink patent leather peek a boo six-inch heels.. kissing and caressing you.. I start with your neck, moving to your ear, then to your d.. uhh you know what. I have a big mouth. You, yourself well en-doubt.. MMmmmm my extra long tongue.. You squirm.. as you’re not ready to cummmmMMmm.. It’s okay.. daddy.. we’ll do it again, again and again.. Passion to fun, romance to grunge. Tasting ALL of you. Taking my time to satisfy you. KISS ME. Devour me. Conquer me while I submit. Taking in your scent.. Loving every single thing about you.. My King. Your Queen Jewel. Tease you.. I need not. We already tied the knot. Fully committed. Infatuated, obsessed, smothering you while we make love and fuck. Janet Jackson, Maxwell, Goapele, Jill Scott.. Surpassing 12 rounds.. Championship/Mastermind bound. Taste me. Don’t stop. Just kicking off my heels.. For something a little.. more enticing..   Strapping on stiletto highrise thigh highs.. BLACK, matte, Leather. Stitched with army green threading. Getting on top.. Riding wild. Pretty girl rock style. NOW SAY MY NAME. That’s an order. Fair exchange, No robbery. Please honey.. I’ll do a couple  squats for you.. Dog-down position. Doing that thing I do.. Driving you sexually insane. Submitten’.  while you give yourself to me.. Pumping mad blood through your veins. Pulsating. Convulsing. I want it ALL. Every fiber of your supreme being.. Pinot Noir in hand. Damn near doing a one hand, hand stand.. In our two-man band. Play me.. Play with me.. No auto tune needed.. We are fully in sync. Kinky, freaky, so dripping wet.. I’m squeaking..

Drip..

drop.. puddle of love.. flowing.. like Floetry.. Little yous swimming inside my chamber. Glowing I am. Radiating our synced energy. I’m still ready… Madly, deeply, in love.  Secreting.. Deeper.. DEEPER.. push.. HARDER screaming in perfected ecstasy.  As your inside of me.. Grinding with me.. to the sounds of love. Feening.. for more and more.. don’t stop.. Not ever. Watch me as I shiver.. in orgasmic bliss. KISS ME. Your my forever crush..  Giving me a fucking rush.. honeymoon love. Well after a decade. Your personal lush.. more like luscious.. lips. Phat. Up and down. So, tiny you spin me round and round, my personal  mary-go-round.  Our sexual playground..  Friend or foe.. Fuck that hug..  I’m ready to suck. Lick and Love. Round fourteen. It’s official. I’m aDICKted . Cumming back for more and… more. Loving our open door policy.. Nipples hard. Your direct. Erect. Just about four am.. Do we need to think about if we want to get another session in..? Fuck control. You’ve taken over me. Just the way I love..

Choke me. Fuck me. Spank me. Pull my pony-tail. You’re the fucking me best! Got me seeing in stereo. Just a moment while I straighten my halo. Your dark angel.. Kinky and playful. Naughty and sweet. Better than a hash sprinkled treat. Gorgeous feet. Adore me Poppy.. You got a bad bitch. Fantasize with me. But, you better only have eyes for me. Lastly, slide your tongue across my clit.. Give me a treat.. while I show you my tricks.. Lickity splits. Humming with ice-cubes. I’ll be a fool for you. Sweet and silly. DARK. With no frilly.. Panties. I prefer nothing. While you dust me in diamonds.. ALL pressure between my legs. Flawless and starstruck by.. US.

Peaked

Posted in Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by hold card

Wrenching. Stench of terror. Despair. Scorned. Violently awake. Shaken. Shook. Crooked. Steep creep. Can’t. Won’t. Refusal. Refute. Futile. Denial. Cry. Pain. Shame. Infamous. STRESS. West. Longing for a bullet in the chest. Peace. Serene. Rest. Left.. Question.. Everyone. I’m the crazy one. Emotionally challenged. A beautiful wreck. With an elegant neck. Train wreck. Expectations.. Exasperated. Breathing on a ventilator. Unbalanced equator. Abuse. Used too. Abuser: Self made. Hatred. Shapeless. Darkness. Cartwheels in a past life. Distant eyes.. Lifeless. Shouted out. Permanent pout. Dazed. Unconfused. Forever bruised. Deep purple, cobalt blue. True. Real. Raw. Tell me have you seen her..? A fragment of what’s left of her.. Being.. Cream.. Dream… of that girl.. I used to know. Pure like winter snow. Darkened by contaminated guilt.. Spilled milk. Crowd control. Floored. In the corner. Holding my knees. Daggered.  Watch my heart bleed Out. Crouching tiger. Hidden dragon.  Drip drop. Tick tock.. Stop watch. Gods clock. Road block.  Violation. Destination.. Space station.. Ready for take off.

Is this ALL a lesson to see what I’m made of? Crumbling. Numbing.. Mind blowing.

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