This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH

PicsArt_1375128074029At thirty-five. I’ve lived a few lives in this lifetime of mine. Wild Wind, Billets Doux, Love Letters, Imagine Me, Memoirs of a Masterminds Hold Card, Hush Tan. ALL have made me who I am. I grind with grace. I grind like I’m a contestant in the Olympics race. It’s taken me until now to gain the courage to merge the characters of each of these chapters of my life. ALL of these businesses began with a dream. A glimmer of hope inside me that came to light. Mostly red. Hush Tan turned green and I have been fiercely on the GO. The sole bread winner. I carry a heavy load. So many ask me how. Ask me why? I’ve chosen to live my current life. My “why” is quite complex. Every business I’ve ever started came from love. Has to do with love. Love is who I am. It’s what I wish to sprinkle ALL over the world. I’m currently doing it soul by soul. Inspiring. Lifting. Listening. Comforting. Dis-comforting. Then bringing them back with a laugh attack. This is my therapy. “Hush” has taught me more about me then any other singular chapter in my life’s work.

I’ve learned to trust. Have faith. Work harder then I’ve ever worked before. I’ve learned how to be alone. Not take on self pity. I’ve learned to LEARN. Educate myself on everything and figure it out on my own. Sacrifice. Lots… and lots of sacrifice. I now know independence. I know what it feels like. I’m a solo business owner and a prison wife. I’m a dog mom. I’m a homemaker. I’m a cleaning woman. I’m a book keeper. I’m a daughter and daughter in-law. I’m a step-mom, granddaughter, sister, aunt and cousin. What I’m not much of is a friend. I’m a great acquaintance. I have not mastered friendship. I can’t figure it out. I’m private. Yet I’m an open book. I don’t have time and people take that personal. I work a gazillion hours per week. I have four facebook, twitter, instagram and email accounts. Which ALL receive a mass messages. I’ve been reluctant to merge my lives. I’m now ready and realize. This is who I am. And to be successful. I can no-longer keep up with the divisions, the characters. I’m ALL-in. This is me. I’m Hold Card. I AM MAHRIAH.

My brother once said to me… which I’ll never forget. I said to him over that recorded prison call.. What if my clients find out who I really am? He said, are those clients you’d really want anyway? I said, right now I need every client I can get. He said, that is not true. You just need a few who are loyal. He then went on to say… Mahriah it’s normal for people to judge. It’s what we do. It’s our instincts. We judge everything and everyone. For instance, the guy on the corner holding the sign. We say to ourselves should I give him my last five dollars? Does he need it more then me? Even though he looks so clean?? We must judge. It’s when we pass judgement. That’s when we lose. We should never pass judgment on one another. We should never condemn another. That is wrong. We judge. We do-not pass judgment. It took me a long time to understand the difference and process that. I said isn’t it the same thing?! He said just think about it.

I did think about it. A lot.

My clients and I talk about everything. It’s a vulnerable position to be standing naked in front of anyone for up-to an hour. If they ask me a direct question. One thing I’m not is a lyre. I’ve eluded to where my husband is. But, if they directly ask me. I’ve told a few. Which was not easy for me. Anxiety flutters through me. Will they pass judgment on me? Will they be afraid to pay with their credit card? Do they think I’m a bad person? Do they still trust me? What do they think of me? Do they think I’m beneath them? Will they come back? Will the word get out?

My brother said are those clients you would want anyway? They tell you their truths. Trust you with their pain. Do they deserve to know yours? Where do you draw the line of professionalism?


 

He’s absolutely right. I’m ready to merge my lives. #HUSH (now… you really know) #FREEDOM

You have arrived

GPS-arrived1

Good morning. Slept late. Later then I should have. A struggle of mine. A night owl at heart. Living in a silent house makes it difficult to get up some days more then others. Today is Sunday. I truly believe a Sunday well spent brings a week of content. I need a week off so bad. No phone. No contact. No internet. No appointments. The whole universe is telling me; this is what I need. When will I listen? When will it be forced? Why can’t I just tell people/clients NO. My schedule is booked solid. Between work, family, weddings, birthdays, and more work. I just want a me moment.

I woke up today laid there in bed. Deep in thought. Daydreaming about coffee. I said to myself… You are BOLD. But, it’s time to become BOLDER. It’s time to advance. One of my favorite secret moments is when my GPS is directing me someplace and then she magically says “you’ve arrived” I LOVE THOSE WORDS. I say to myself… Hold Card. Yes, darling you are on your way. Soon you shall do just that. Arrive. I know in my humbled heart I have not arrived on the level of which I so desire. The destination is close. The journey is in process.

Anyway, as you can see I suffer heavily from ADD. What I was saying to myself this morning was. I must not be afraid to be BOLD. Fortunate favors it. If I don’t want to do something. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. If everyone wants to eat somewhere that I do not. Garbage I don’t want to ingest into my temple. I need to say politely, thank you. But, no thanks. I don’t have to participate. I am a true leader. And true leaders do not create followers they create more leaders.

10 Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

hold card:

This is a great read. I suggest you check it out. If you learn one thing. Your taking away one thing you didn’t think of before.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

1. You ascribe intent.

Another driver cut you off. Your friend never texted you back. Your co-worker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a steady basis. So what caused you to be offended? You assigned bad intent to these otherwise innocuous actions. You took it as a personal affront, a slap in the face.

Happy people do not do this. They don’t take things personally. They don’t ascribe intent to the unintentional actions of others.

2. You’re the star of your own movie.

It is little wonder that you believe the world revolves around you. After all, you have been at the very center of every experience you have ever had.

You are the star of your own movie. You wrote the script. You know how you want it to unfold. You even know how you want it to…

View original 985 more words

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sabbatical

I’ve been away for quite awhile. I completely lost my passion for writing. I’ve been blocked. Just lately… I have felt the intense urge to begin writing again. A hunger within me. If you’ve followed my memoirs from the beginning. You’ve seen me at my darkest hour. And although I shared so much. I was still incredibly guarded. Paranoia. It did destroy me. My last post years ago. And now I write. STRONG. blessed. Progress-ion. A new frame of thought. I am still on my journey. A husband in prison. I grind daily. On a mission. For a better life. I’ve swallowed my pride. Learned to walk again. One step at a time. My confidence is back. I’ve earned that. My journey is one which should be shared. If you knew me… in this outside world. You might be surprised by my story. I share it with few. Where do I begin telling you what I’ve been up to?

Thank you for all the encouraging messages since I stopped writing. Through email, facebook and twitter. I appreciate you. My life was quite dark when I originally began this blog. It was my refuge. My way to release the rage, sadness, emptiness inside. You witnessed my nervous breakdown. You witnessed my rawness. My ending and new beginning. My life had collapsed beneath me  and I had no idea how to fix it. Stop it. Accept it. Embrace it. I wanted to die. I wanted to DIE.

So, much has transpired. Eventually I shut down completely. I hated myself in such away. What I had become. But, still I did not completely give up. God never left me. Ever. I have witnessed more in my 35 years then most will ever see. I moved away from that magical strawberry scented beach town. Where I used to write. I love that place. I believe the sound of the ocean saved me. I was so high… not on life. Trying to escape the misery. But, the time came and I knew I had to leave. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. Going back to my hometown. Home the furthest thing I felt. My grandpa. My rock. Fell ill. It was time. Time was ticking. This move would change my life. My brother was missing. Mastermind was gone. They took him. Again. I spent every single dollar on  lawyers, marijuana, and never-ending bills.. while I wallowed in my self pity. I promised my grandpa I would never forget him. I knew what I had to do. That time had come. My high gone. Rawness. Realness. Hollowness. I was frail. Meatless. Bones. A walking ghost. I slept on the floor. In my car. Not my new BMW. I lost that too. I had myself and my little dog. He is my constant. I faced humans who I share the same blood with that despise me. Frown upon me. Share the same air in the same room. Yet will not speak. I faced them. I faced them ALL. ALL by myself. I held my head. I stood my ground. Alone. Ready for battle. Ready for anything. Whispers. Snickers. Looks of disgust. I sat there. I stood there. And I was proud. I was silent. Lethal in strength. While each domino fell.

My brother surrendered. He was home. He was safe. He was back. My brother. My twin soul. My mirror image was back. My grandfather could rest. He was so tired. He was so ready. My brother was safe. My grandfather let go. For me three traumatic blows. At this time I witnessed miracles. Miracles that no words can describe. Feelings of intervention from the divine. My heart forever changed. I could never view the world again the same.

We awaited trial. Court rooms after court room. I’m losing ALL my men. Mastermind. My Grandfather. My brother. My stepson. My nephew. I am all alone. But, I have my constant. I have Capone. #TBC

SuperGlue Tears

My nervous system. Very nervous. In a matter of 15 minutes. Apprehensive. Life suddenly appears fuzzy. One hour ago everything in me seemed swarovski clear. Now my eyes a flowing stream.. every-time I get an airbrush tan I seemed to stain my cheeks. It’s been months since I’ve swam in this deep sea. Tears flow like a silent film. My wish I could take it still by still. Airbrush the nightmares and curdling night terrors. Pause frame to cradle my fears. Like serious I go to change the song. Something more upbeat. I can’t feel my heartbeat. Frozen accepting the choppy channel. Surrender I can not. I’m not ready and for that I fight. I could take on water and drown. All the weight I’ve gained. Healthy and UN-pained. Insanity at bay. Appetite now gone again. Gone with the wind. Take out those double zeros from that salvation army bin. Chin dragging. Tripping over untied combat boot straps. I need a moment. I gotta step back. I have taken on a whole lot. Battle fields. Gun shy wounds. Bruise after bruise. Suicidal fumes. I made it through. Still waters. No doubt I’ll bounce back. But, I got an overweight monkey on my back. Heart beating way to fast. Almost welcome a heart attack. Roller coaster off the track. Living out of boxes yet they only see my Savannah smile. My pain written in words. I write in ghost. I once eagerly said ditto. Now I sit silent. Watching. Praying. Contemplating.
My hand do I finally fold? Only hold card knows. All in on a bluff. Tired. Tournament duration. Decade plus. Am I living to my full potential? Am I doing what I love? If I could be doing anything would I choose hush? Or… Rather singing hush little baby don’t say a word mommas gonna.. do Nada cause a baby I chose not to birth. My living nightmare here on planet earth. Will haunt me for this lifetime of mine. Still searching for my lifeline. Option off the table. Solo movie nights. Late night pillow fights between my broken heart and teary eyes. ALL believing I’m healed and fine. My bedtime story titled me chaos complimented with polar shifts my soul adrift. My grandfather his star my guiding light. Full moon. Quarantined to my room. Energy in negative. My clients deserve exuberant magical gravitation. I need an emotional vacation. To gather myself. Recoup. Regroup. Bury this pain deep. Brick by brick. Padlocked. Super-glued in stingy tears.
I check.

on tilt

Brunette locks. Gold shocks. Air pressure on tilt. Need water. Looking slightly wilt-ed. Warm and comfy bundled inn my homemade quilt from miscellaneous scrap material pieces. To me a treasure like the family kieshla. Kinda an inside secret. A stunning family heirloom. Memories to surely leave you speechless. Moved back to the town.. Had to learn to turn my frown upside down. It’s a hard knock life. Your never fully dressed without a smile for sure and for me my smile happens to be my sword. Every night I’m on me knees.. Praying to the Lord. Please God wont you save me! I surrender.. Done with my kicking and screaming. My star is beginning to brighten. Damn that I’m beaming. Eating. Appetite is back. Give me a few more months.. Between that and HOT A$$ Yoga.. I’m bout to be stacked. ALL coming full circle. This was a hell of a test. I was a hell of a mess. Oh me oh my.. Life has been a fight. ALL adding to my story. Glory. Sun-dance kid. Missionary. Visionary. Sworn in to secrecy. HUSH hush.. baby. You better not say a word. ha-HA-ha-HA-ha Were coming for you. Door number two. Running through. Shiny lights. Taking flights. Mesmerized. By my skull-cap and contact eyes. shy. ALIVE. Blue eyes tonight.. Shiny Golden high-lights. Snow-white wrangler. Hard top. Coming through. Edgy. crystal clear. blunt free. AHCHOO! bless me. bless me. Life in the fast lane. Carpool lane. Riding dolo. With a crazy team. Powder puff cream puffs. Popping Rolo’s. Pit stop – Me and Ms. Molly.. Feeling real jolly. Pollinating. Politicking. Time. No ticking. Whispers of love.. Passed to my sisters. Triplicity. Tinkerbell casting spells.. Fairy dust.. glitter. designer skin shimmer. glow angels with halos on tilt. Motivated by the best. Quadruplicating our quest. Wont stop. Don’t know how to stop. Tried to take me down.. a very windy road. Cut throat. Nearly  washed away by the stormy coast. Giving up ALL flesh. Alive and Dead. Hard to rest. No more roast. Sleep in bed alone. Holding my ground. Protecting my throne. I see you.. seeing me. I got a royal flush.. ALL hearts. Am I bluffing? Are you brave enough to call me? I’m ALL in. Get the fuck outta here.

grandpa

 

to function or not to function. is that the question?
my Grandfather would not only want me to function. but, persevere and LIVE boldly, simply, humbly with love through love. he surrounds me at this very moment. will forever be a part of me. energizing me. pushing me. fueling me through love. my strength, my heart, my universe. my Grandpa. aka my father, my provider, my confidant, my King. a true supreme being. dignified with truth blue eyes. an extraordinary magnificent human being. whom is already so missed. now in the heavens living eternal bliss. i shall never forget his last breath. my last kiss laid upon his tender cheek. day and night by his side a mountain climbed so very steep. glossy eyes. starry skies. the brightest star lights up the sky. shining through my soul and out my eyes. radiating a glow from my perfectly placed golden halo. to know or not know is not a question. not for me.
he meant what he said and said what he means. he walked the path. never followed. always lead. listening to me. guiding me. unconditionally loving me. never, not ever judging me. what i know for sure is that my Grandpa loved me. adored me. believed in me. he still does. always will. through his peace. he fills me up with strength, calmness and serenity.
forever and always, may you rest in peace. i love you Grandpa. your brown-eyed girl.